Hello, and welcome to today’s lesson: The RSVP. These are four letters you’ll often see at the bottom of an invitation for a social gathering; they stand for the French phrase ‘Répondez s’il vous plaît‘. This indicates that your hosts have requested a timely reply from you regarding your intentions to attend said social gathering, yes or no. An invitation bearing the postscript ‘Regrets only’ only requires a response from you should you find yourself unable to attend.
Your hosts have thought kindly enough of you to wish to include you in their planned event; it is your duty to extend them the same courtesy so as not to cause them undue stress in terms of food, favors, and seating arrangements.
Times have changed, and people are busier than ever before, however, rules of etiquette still apply. Hosts requesting an RSVP require a ‘yes’ or ‘no’ answer, not a ‘maybe’. Replying with a ‘maybe’ is insulting; either you can commit to attend, or you cannot. A ‘maybe’ is akin to informing your hosts that you might attend unless something better comes along, which, as you might well imagine, is very nearly the height of rudeness.
When you receive an invitation out of the hosts’ warm wishes for your company and you choose to ignore it, be warned that your hosts may not think to include you the next time, as you’ve quite clearly indicated that you do not think as fondly of your hosts’ company.
If life interferes, if weather conditions don’t permit travel, if transportation issues arise, it is important to notify your hosts of your inability to attend so that they do not hold up the proceedings on account of someone who will not be arriving.
As in all things, it pays to be courteous to your hosts. They are expending time and money on your account, and there may come a time where you would certainly appreciate the same courtesy in return.
Ruh-roh. I will lend you a blunt object to break kneecaps with if need be.
I’m just peeved about it in general. Why should I go to the effort of planning anything if it’s like pulling teeth to get people to say whether they’ll attend or not?
Since it clearly doesn’t seem to be a common knowledge good manners sort of thing, some education was in order.
*edit* I lied. I’m not peeved about it in general. On Friday, I had to buy food for an amount of people that could number anywhere between six and thirteen. How do you buy food for between six and thirteen people? Counting me, final count was 4 people. It’s not that I’m ungrateful for the company of the people who DID come over, because I did/do enjoy their company. But to have people just blow me off with a ‘maybe’ when I went to the expense of preparing for their attendance really, really pisses me off.
I always get nervous about people who don’t respond but DO show up and then I don’t plan for them to do that. An excess of stuff for entertainment and food/drink is fine by me, but too little stuff going around makes me feel like a bad host. 🙁
I’m all right with *some* excess. I’d rather over-buy and have everyone sated and happy than have people slouching out early because they’re hungry because I also want to be a good hostess. But I’ve been picking at leftover food for DAYS now, leftover food that wouldn’t be here if people had committed one way or the other rather than “Oh gee, maybe”.
I’m all right with *some* excess. I’d rather over-buy and have everyone sated and happy than have people slouching out early because they’re hungry because I also want to be a good hostess. But I’ve been picking at leftover food for DAYS now, leftover food that wouldn’t be here if people had committed one way or the other rather than “Oh gee, maybe”.
I always get nervous about people who don’t respond but DO show up and then I don’t plan for them to do that. An excess of stuff for entertainment and food/drink is fine by me, but too little stuff going around makes me feel like a bad host. 🙁
people barely RSVP for even WEDDINGS anymore, and those include the little prepaid card! my friend had to end up calling most of their invite list so they could actually place their catering order. not cool people!
There is no frigging excuse for that. The bride/maid of honor should not have to hunt people down to find out whether they’re attending or not! If a bunch of people decline late in the game, they could’ve rented a smaller location, they could have spent hundreds of dollars less on food and favors, etc. What is wrong with people? Didn’t their mothers teach them manners?
There is no frigging excuse for that. The bride/maid of honor should not have to hunt people down to find out whether they’re attending or not! If a bunch of people decline late in the game, they could’ve rented a smaller location, they could have spent hundreds of dollars less on food and favors, etc. What is wrong with people? Didn’t their mothers teach them manners?
people barely RSVP for even WEDDINGS anymore, and those include the little prepaid card! my friend had to end up calling most of their invite list so they could actually place their catering order. not cool people!
that among other reasons is why most of the food-related gatherings at my house are potlucks.
i love my friends but i honestly can’t afford to feed all of them myself. plus that way i know for sure that they’ll at least have one thing they like to eat and i don’t feel as much pressure to try to please everyone with the dish i make.
I don’t mind spending the money to feed people and cutting down on frivolous stuff for me elsewhere but damn it, if I tell people I’m buying food for them and they don’t show up, it seems pretty disrespectful. 🙁
I don’t mind spending the money to feed people and cutting down on frivolous stuff for me elsewhere but damn it, if I tell people I’m buying food for them and they don’t show up, it seems pretty disrespectful. 🙁
that among other reasons is why most of the food-related gatherings at my house are potlucks.
i love my friends but i honestly can’t afford to feed all of them myself. plus that way i know for sure that they’ll at least have one thing they like to eat and i don’t feel as much pressure to try to please everyone with the dish i make.
I’m just peeved about it in general. Why should I go to the effort of planning anything if it’s like pulling teeth to get people to say whether they’ll attend or not?
Since it clearly doesn’t seem to be a common knowledge good manners sort of thing, some education was in order.
*edit* I lied. I’m not peeved about it in general. On Friday, I had to buy food for an amount of people that could number anywhere between six and thirteen. How do you buy food for between six and thirteen people? Counting me, final count was 4 people. It’s not that I’m ungrateful for the company of the people who DID come over, because I did/do enjoy their company. But to have people just blow me off with a ‘maybe’ when I went to the expense of preparing for their attendance really, really pisses me off.
Ruh-roh. I will lend you a blunt object to break kneecaps with if need be.
A reminder which we all need! I’m sorry, Ms. Robot!
It might just be that I’m hosting more events since I moved to the PNW, but I’m getting the ‘maybe’ blowoff and the blowoff entirely more than I’ve ever seen before. Last year, I threw a frigging circus for people and still couldn’t get them to commit one way or another. I’m starting to wonder why I bother.
From your native guide: Seattle, bless its little passive-aggressive heart, is actually notorious for its lack of RSVP etiquette. We’re a very polite city but we lack manners in certain areas, and this is one of them. Your lesson came at a good time – it reminded me to go RSVP for a friend’s event *right now*!
If some good came out of my furious snark, that’s all that can be hoped for. 🙂
If some good came out of my furious snark, that’s all that can be hoped for. 🙂
From your native guide: Seattle, bless its little passive-aggressive heart, is actually notorious for its lack of RSVP etiquette. We’re a very polite city but we lack manners in certain areas, and this is one of them. Your lesson came at a good time – it reminded me to go RSVP for a friend’s event *right now*!
I hear, too, that the northwest is a superlatively wishy-washy, maybe place.
In that case, is it wrong for me to hold people to a higher standard?
Ah, we might shake our fists at you now, but when we look back at how awful our behavior was, we will thank you.
Are you a forgivng robot, or a vengeful robot? 😉
I talk big about vengeance, but I’m mostly a forgiving robot. Why give the lesson if I’m not willing to forgive? 😉
And vengeance is so much work than forgiving.
ALWAYS with the smiting and the cursing and the voodoo dolls…I’m too busy for that!
ALWAYS with the smiting and the cursing and the voodoo dolls…I’m too busy for that!
And vengeance is so much work than forgiving.
I talk big about vengeance, but I’m mostly a forgiving robot. Why give the lesson if I’m not willing to forgive? 😉
Ah, we might shake our fists at you now, but when we look back at how awful our behavior was, we will thank you.
Are you a forgivng robot, or a vengeful robot? 😉
In that case, is it wrong for me to hold people to a higher standard?
I hear, too, that the northwest is a superlatively wishy-washy, maybe place.
It might just be that I’m hosting more events since I moved to the PNW, but I’m getting the ‘maybe’ blowoff and the blowoff entirely more than I’ve ever seen before. Last year, I threw a frigging circus for people and still couldn’t get them to commit one way or another. I’m starting to wonder why I bother.
A reminder which we all need! I’m sorry, Ms. Robot!
i should be better about actually saying yes or no, but if i don’t say anything at all, plan on me not showing up.
i’m bad at responding sometimes.
I’ve been mostly using that as my rule of thumb–if people don’t RSVP, don’t plan on their attendance, but then I have to wonder if people didn’t get the invitation at all or if it was a failure of communication coming from me.
Things were more clear but more infuriating when I’d invite people to events via Myspace, because you could see who had viewed the invitation and who hadn’t.
if it’s lj, i usually at least see it. i’m also super-forgetful though 🙁
if it’s lj, i usually at least see it. i’m also super-forgetful though 🙁
I’ve been mostly using that as my rule of thumb–if people don’t RSVP, don’t plan on their attendance, but then I have to wonder if people didn’t get the invitation at all or if it was a failure of communication coming from me.
Things were more clear but more infuriating when I’d invite people to events via Myspace, because you could see who had viewed the invitation and who hadn’t.
i should be better about actually saying yes or no, but if i don’t say anything at all, plan on me not showing up.
i’m bad at responding sometimes.
This is one of my biggest pet peeves.
What’s worse is when people don’t rsvp, but show up anyway (occasionally with friends). Grrrrr!
OH GOD FIRE. Why do people assume that bringing friends unasked is acceptable, especially if they didn’t bother to RSVP in the first place?
I’ve sometimes wondered if the most egregious offenders have never planned an event of their own and thus have no idea how frustrating their behavior is to their hosts.
OH GOD FIRE. Why do people assume that bringing friends unasked is acceptable, especially if they didn’t bother to RSVP in the first place?
I’ve sometimes wondered if the most egregious offenders have never planned an event of their own and thus have no idea how frustrating their behavior is to their hosts.
This is one of my biggest pet peeves.
What’s worse is when people don’t rsvp, but show up anyway (occasionally with friends). Grrrrr!
eVite should add a “dead beat” icon next to people that never reply so I can stop inviting them. 🙂
Exactly! There’s no point to extend the invitation in the first place if your invitation is just going to get snubbed.
Exactly! There’s no point to extend the invitation in the first place if your invitation is just going to get snubbed.
eVite should add a “dead beat” icon next to people that never reply so I can stop inviting them. 🙂
I’m the type to respond too well.
I have to assume that is why I don’t get any wedding invitations. I’m a creative writer by profession, and “No” just doesn’t encompass the level of my non-attendance.
As long as your lengthy response includes “I won’t be there” in addition to “I can’t believe you’re giving in to the institution of marriage, I give you 3 years on the outside, PS even though you’re wearing white everyone still knows you’re a whore”, I don’t care. It’s better than the void of “Is he coming? Should I order food for him? Set a place for him?” etc.
As long as your lengthy response includes “I won’t be there” in addition to “I can’t believe you’re giving in to the institution of marriage, I give you 3 years on the outside, PS even though you’re wearing white everyone still knows you’re a whore”, I don’t care. It’s better than the void of “Is he coming? Should I order food for him? Set a place for him?” etc.
I’m the type to respond too well.
I have to assume that is why I don’t get any wedding invitations. I’m a creative writer by profession, and “No” just doesn’t encompass the level of my non-attendance.
/signed.
/signed.
Amen, Mellzah! I really, really, ruheeeeally agree with you on this. I look forward to including you in my next event, because I know you understand how to value a friendship with a polite, honest RSVP.
In these times when money is scarce, it is doubly rude and callous to say you’ll show up and then ditch when you don’t feel up to it or something better comes along. Not all leftovers can be eaten before they go bad.
Has our society devolved this far? I shudder. If we can’t even commit to a simple party, then I can understand why our divorce rate is so high.
The more I think about it, the more furious I get.
People rarely ever buy tickets for an event and don’t show up, because it costs them money. It seems like people should keep in mind that when you or I or anyone else throws an event, it’s like we’re paying for everyone else’s entrance fee; that just because they decide not to show up at the last second, it’s not like those costs to us go away.
I don’t mind paying to feed or entertain people, but I take umbrage when my hospitality is rejected as ‘maybe’ not being good enough.
The more I think about it, the more furious I get.
People rarely ever buy tickets for an event and don’t show up, because it costs them money. It seems like people should keep in mind that when you or I or anyone else throws an event, it’s like we’re paying for everyone else’s entrance fee; that just because they decide not to show up at the last second, it’s not like those costs to us go away.
I don’t mind paying to feed or entertain people, but I take umbrage when my hospitality is rejected as ‘maybe’ not being good enough.
Amen, Mellzah! I really, really, ruheeeeally agree with you on this. I look forward to including you in my next event, because I know you understand how to value a friendship with a polite, honest RSVP.
In these times when money is scarce, it is doubly rude and callous to say you’ll show up and then ditch when you don’t feel up to it or something better comes along. Not all leftovers can be eaten before they go bad.
Has our society devolved this far? I shudder. If we can’t even commit to a simple party, then I can understand why our divorce rate is so high.
when i answer maybe, it’s not because something better might come along… it’s because i fear that i might be too exhausted to do anything other than sleep. i work ~50-60 hours/week, so some nights motivating myself to go anywhere, esp. if it involves driving, is pretty tough.
most of the things i attend aren’t ones where the person is going to be making me food or anything like that though… if it was a dinner party where someone was making food based on the number of people i definitely think that’s different etiquette for rsvping.
Most of the maybes I get are way more along the lines of “I think soandso and I might be doing something that night,” which pretty much lays it straight out that the invitee prefers the tentative company of soandso to definite plans.
Most of the maybes I get are way more along the lines of “I think soandso and I might be doing something that night,” which pretty much lays it straight out that the invitee prefers the tentative company of soandso to definite plans.
when i answer maybe, it’s not because something better might come along… it’s because i fear that i might be too exhausted to do anything other than sleep. i work ~50-60 hours/week, so some nights motivating myself to go anywhere, esp. if it involves driving, is pretty tough.
most of the things i attend aren’t ones where the person is going to be making me food or anything like that though… if it was a dinner party where someone was making food based on the number of people i definitely think that’s different etiquette for rsvping.