^{Photo by Marsmet473A}

How many times have you had a show, book, or movie spoiled for you by someone who couldn’t wait to announce they’d seen it first? For you west coasters, how many times has this happened before it’s even aired in your time zone? While we can’t stop dipwads from posting whatever they want on Facebook, we can keep ourselves from seeing it with my latest Mad Science Invention: Spoiler Alert. Simply plug Spoiler Alert into a free USB slot and use the included clip to attach it to the side of your monitor.  After you complete the initial Spoiler Alert software profile, it will keep track of movie and book release dates and TV airing schedules and will scan the websites you visit for any references to your chosen media.  If it’s safe to scroll, the Spoiler Alert light will remain green. If it’s unable to parse whether or not someone has actually posted a spoiler from context (for instance, many people abbreviate Game of Thrones as “GOT”), Spoiler Alert’s light will change to yellow: proceed with caution. If the light turns red: SPOILER ALERT!

Should you have seen the most recent episodes and want to join the discussions your friends are having, changing your settings in Spoiler Alert is easy!  Just click the Spoiler Alert software tab and check “I’m up to date!” and Spoiler Alert will cease notifying you. For television shows, Spoiler Alert will automatically revert when a new episode has aired so you can go out and live your life and watch your DVR’d shows at your leisure without accidentally reading all about the episode when even so-called news outlets are putting spoilers on their main page the next day.

Never be spoiled again, buy Spoiler Alert today! If you buy now, we’ll also provide you with a roll of duct tape for the mouths of your friends who stream Downton Abbey months before it airs stateside and can’t wait to tell you all about what happens to Lady Mary. CALL NOW.

^{Photo modified from one by Turatti}