“My earth chakra came to me in a dream last night and told me a lover would come to me the next morning, and that he would want to get to know me. Are you the man of my dreams? The one who can carry me out of this humdrum existence and, lo, into untold rapture?”
I think we’d be fab roomies but I can’t for a number of reasons–I seriously can’t afford you (for reallllz) since I’m saving for a car that doesn’t both suck and blow at the same time, Napoleon would be the noisiest secret ever and would terrorize your cats, and I just signed another lease that keeps me where I’m at through July. 🙁
I’m sorry that turned out so horrifyingly bad for you so quickly. I love little gay boys, too, so I’m sure if I was in your situation, I’d have been blinded by OMGADORABLE, too. I’ve never actually lived with someone I didn’t know beforehand, and find the concept of living with a near strager kind of terrifying.
He’s not on the lease, though, just tell him you have buyer’s remorse and to GTFO, thanks.
It’s true. He is still adorable. but I can’t get past the bullshit. I am not 22. I like sleeping through the night without thinking someone has broken in because he came and went without disarming the alarm. I like paying bills on time. If he doesn’t, I can’t. He didn’t, so I’m going without. He is a pain in the neck.
I wish it’d been lovely and kisses and rainbows and ponies and unicorns and glitter, but it is not. It went sour, fast. Annnnd i’m looking for a new room mate. he does not know this. He also doesn’t know that I’m smarter than a four year old and know it’s bullshit when he says his parents own a chanel store. BULLSHIT. Chanel isn’t scouring for franchisees… I doubt there’s a little link at chanel.com for parties interested in owning a little piece of chanel. idiot.
Haha omg. My bet is that his parents sell “Channel” bags from a table downtown.
I can cover my rent…barely…. but only because I have two incomes and taylor has one with a promotion on the way. The general concensus is homegirl has got to go.
“I am willing to ignore what my spirit animal is telling me about you if you have a very large penis. Do you have a very large penis? The wolf and I anxiously await your reply.”
Depends. Are you looking to fuck with him and lead him on before turning him off in the cruellest way possible, or are you just wanting to tread him into the dirt and get rid of him as quickly as you can?
I favor the latter; if that’s the case, I’d go with “I’m sorry, but you must must have an IQ of at least 100 to ride this ride. You clearly have the intelligence of a rock and so fail my requirements completely. Have a nice day”.
Oh god, latter. The former is unspeakably mean, the latter is at least sort of funny to mean people like me. My figuring is that if he was genuinely interested, flipping off a one-sentence email thereby putting the entire burden of conversation development in my court is not cool, therefore he deserves an inbox full of WTF.
Y’know, I’ve been getting that a lot, particularly lately. For example, a friend exclaimed “Sometimes you just REALLY need penis (sidelong look at me) or, uh, vagina. Whatever.”
I tend to play relationship stuff pretty close to the chest on LJ after a couple of bad experiences a few years ago, and I very rarely introduce people I’m dating to my friends, so I’m sure that has a lot to do with it. Also, I tried to marry myself on Facebook, but when it wouldn’t let me, I’m now listed as being in an open relationship with a female friend…so there’s a number of factors in play.
Girls are hot, no doubt, and the ‘b’ word has flitted through my mind more than once, but a girl was super into me at the New Year’s Eve party I attended and it became painfully obvious that I’m pretty goddamn straight.
Which is a very long-winded way of saying that I’m not on the team, but I’m a pretty vocal cheerleader.
I just like to wait to introduce someone until I’m sure about them–because if he hits it off with my friends and then the relationship goes sour, it’s time to ride the drama train with the dalai drama llama*. I used to be REALLY bad about blogging everything and have gotten busted on more than one occasion by delicate emo flower bois.
*Also known as the M. Night Shamalamadalaidramallamadingdong Train.
FAR MORE than its share. I really don’t want a guy who wears more makeup than me, can’t take a joke, and to whom the concept of acting like a man even occasionally is horrifying. Sure, gender roles are kinda BS, but if I wanted to date a girl, I’d just date a girl.
I doubt I could deal with SUPER WINTER again–I grew up in Wisconsin and dealt with more than enough snow for my lifetime.
It’s funny, a few years ago you would have never heard me say that I want a man’s man, and even when I say it now, it’s not what I really mean. I appreciate the more progressive liberal values Seattle has, but I’m oh-so-tired of overly passive men. It’s like most guys here are so afraid of rejection, they won’t even try–I’ve had TWO friends now send me emails saying “Oh, my so and so friend likes you, you should go out.” Like it’s up to ME to make things happen. No, and thank you.
Awww, thank you! I’ve actually met a lot of really cool people friend-wise here, and I don’t mean to discount them at all. It’s just dating that’s been tough. Then again, I pretty much took myself off the market for a couple of years, so I really only have myself to blame there.
in my okcupid profile i write that i will only consider reading/responding to messages that contain bionic in the subject line. it totally helps. prior to implementing that, i was wasting a lot of time reading stupid messages from people who very obviously had nothing in common with me and were just desperate for any warm hole to stick their penis in.
it also provides a built-in excuse not to need to respond should they ever yell at you later for ignoring them 🙂
I used to at least respond to every message I got, because I know that it sucks when someone leaves you hanging. This, coupled with my “I will at least meet up with anyone who has the balls to ask me out” policy has led me down the path toward some nightmarishly bad dates (I hate to be Shallow McShallow, but there was one guy who seriously looked like he could’ve been a stand-in for Gollum should Andy have fallen sick during filming LOTR), and now I really only respond to messages/people I find interesting, or if someone actually put effort into it. One-sentence “Hey u seem cool, let’s chat” almost always get binned immediately, but this one seemed to call for something more.
Another guy a while back sent me a message asking me out THAT DAY, I already had plans and didn’t even see his message, and the next day, he sent me another email all butthurt about my lack of response. Yes, because exactly what I want is Mr. High-Pressure Needy.
I bet you’ve gotten some blindingly hilarious messages.
honestly, i’m not sure i would even take it as a good sign if i asked someone out for the same day and they said yes. i feel like the average person has a lot going on in their life even if they aren’t dating anyone… gym, friends, etc… or even just a plan with themself to watch a movie that night =P i wouldn’t necessarily want to date someone who would drop everything in their life for me (as a stranger) or just plain not have stuff going on already. someone who freaked out about that = whoaaa, creepy alert! red flag to the maximum! heh.
i rarely respond to anyone. but to be fair it does note in my profile that i’m already dating someone and that i’m pretty strapped for time as it is, so it doesn’t really lead them on to believe that i’m necessarily going to reply 😉 i get a lot of messages from 50 year old men who are unattractive both mentally and physically. they seem to believe that me mentioning i’m cool with dating multiple people means that i want to sleep with them and their 50-year-old wife. i probably should put a disclaimer in there noting that i’m not very interested in a “romantic” relationship with someone who’s more than 10 years older than i am. it doesn’t occur to me to mention it because i would never think to go on okcupid and start picking up 19 year olds.
Hell, it makes me feel creepy when OKC points out all of my 21 year old matches–I don’t know what’s up with all the guys messaging me who are old enough to be my dad. I don’t consider this ageism (Is that a valid ism?) because I really honestly feel that at 26 and 50, we should be in very different stages of life.
You’re never, EVER going to be able to top my super-duper BEST online ad response.
It was from a dude who was, I shit you not, a Hulk Hogan impersonator! There were multiple photos and EVERYTHING! It was so many layers of awesome, I nearly peed myself. Especially at the part where he said he wanted to “put a headlock on my heart”!
And you know what? If the guy hadn’t lived in friggin’ Ontario, Canada, I’d have actually made it a point to meet him, at least once. Because it wouldn’t have failed to be one of the best date stories of my life.
PS: As for this responder, just ignore it. His approach sucks, but that just means it’s an effective way for you to weed him out. He’s using the scattergun approach, and he clearly hasn’t spent any time reading your profile (or working on his language skills, for that matter), so there’s no need for you to waste energy on him. And if you just want to mock him mercilessly, well, I think you’re better than that.
I’ve really been enjoying reading these responses all day, but you’re right. I doubt I’d get an entertaining response from him, even if I tried the “I am willing to ignore what my spirit animal is telling me about you if you have a very large penis. Do you have a very large penis? The wolf and I anxiously await your reply.” tactic. I should save that one for the genuinely crazy that come knocking on my intertubes door.
watchout5 January 5, 2009 at 9:14 pm
omgz god said you would come one day to be the father of my children i almost didn’t believe him but finally you have come, however before we can complete this transaction i need SEVEN THOUSAND dollars deposited in my bank account so i can give you my VIRGINITY but only after the transaction is complete because as you know i’m the princess of america
“hey how
yu doinare you doing?myMy name iscoryCory andi wud likI would like to get to know you”Haha! Simple, yet effective.
How about:
“My earth chakra came to me in a dream last night and told me a lover would come to me the next morning, and that he would want to get to know me. Are you the man of my dreams? The one who can carry me out of this humdrum existence and, lo, into untold rapture?”
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
I love you so hard.
One day, someone is going to hunt me down and give me the ass-whipping I so richly deserve for my mockeries, but erstwhile I will enjoy myself.
“hi!!!??? Are you there!??????????? i am not good with computers, hello? I just, I just, I just wanted to say that I think I’m in love. A/S/L?!
Um, where are you? You shouldn’t have written me if you arentgoing to respond ASSHOLE.”
HAHA A/S/L = ♥ he shouldn’t have extended the email if he hadn’t procured an engagement ring with intentions of marriage. Duhhhzzz.
ps. you should move in. Napoleon can be a secret. ha!
“You should take me to dinner, I’ll bring my kids so you can get to know all of us. It’s so sweet, a man who isn’t turned off by kids.
HEY KIDS! WE EATIN DINNER TONIGHT! CMON!
Tiffany, Heather, Cody, Dillan, Dermit, Jordan, Tailor, Brittney, Wesley, Rumor, Skyle, Cassidy, Zoe, Cloe, Max, Hunter, Kendel, Katelyn, Noah, Sasha, Morgan, Kira, Ean, Lauren, Kubert, Phil…”
I think we’d be fab roomies but I can’t for a number of reasons–I seriously can’t afford you (for reallllz) since I’m saving for a car that doesn’t both suck and blow at the same time, Napoleon would be the noisiest secret ever and would terrorize your cats, and I just signed another lease that keeps me where I’m at through July. 🙁
hahaha fair enough <3.
I love you anyway.
I love YOU. Let’s do a movie night or something soon!
I am for this. I need to hang out more often with people who aren’t Taylor.
You could go on a drink date with FriedChiknAngel and HaaaaaaaaaavhaaadDouche, maybe set them up.
HAHA! Chicken fried angel.
I was blinded by my love of little gay boys, and I forgot to… you know… check references and shit. so. i’m pretty fucked.
I’m sorry that turned out so horrifyingly bad for you so quickly. I love little gay boys, too, so I’m sure if I was in your situation, I’d have been blinded by OMGADORABLE, too. I’ve never actually lived with someone I didn’t know beforehand, and find the concept of living with a near strager kind of terrifying.
He’s not on the lease, though, just tell him you have buyer’s remorse and to GTFO, thanks.
It’s true. He is still adorable. but I can’t get past the bullshit. I am not 22. I like sleeping through the night without thinking someone has broken in because he came and went without disarming the alarm. I like paying bills on time. If he doesn’t, I can’t. He didn’t, so I’m going without. He is a pain in the neck.
I wish it’d been lovely and kisses and rainbows and ponies and unicorns and glitter, but it is not. It went sour, fast. Annnnd i’m looking for a new room mate. he does not know this. He also doesn’t know that I’m smarter than a four year old and know it’s bullshit when he says his parents own a chanel store. BULLSHIT. Chanel isn’t scouring for franchisees… I doubt there’s a little link at chanel.com for parties interested in owning a little piece of chanel. idiot.
I’m in full-blown cunt mode right now.
Yeah, the ONLY reason I can cover 100% of the bills is because my entire rent payment is less than half of yours, but it’s still frigging stressful.
Hey Angel? Chanel is not Avon, kthx.
Haha omg. My bet is that his parents sell “Channel” bags from a table downtown.
I can cover my rent…barely…. but only because I have two incomes and taylor has one with a promotion on the way. The general concensus is homegirl has got to go.
ZOMG those Dior boots are fierce, but I could’ve gotten those for you for like $30 from my parents’ alley store.
You can’t spell asshole without a/s/l.
Does anyone even DO A/S/L anymore?
people on forums and chatting in video games, i think.
less popular than we/s/l, which i guess asks for mustelidae status.
I like it.
Just a little D.O.L. for ya! (Or as they called it in my high school, “Caught ya'”)
What does the Department of Labor have to do with grammatical corrections?
ohhh haha. When i was in grade school that’s what they called grammar lessons. “Daily oral language”… although I am thinking that is wrong.
I saw “daily oral language” in the list of acronyms, but I was sure that wasn’t relevant, since no one is speaking.
That’s why I was thinking that my hillbilly grammar school got it wrong.
shit.
haha.
“I am willing to ignore what my spirit animal is telling me about you if you have a very large penis. Do you have a very large penis? The wolf and I anxiously await your reply.”
HAHAHAHA. Beautiful!
where would you get this email?
When I get these I assume they’re just spammers looking to verify an email address.
Okcupid.
Depends. Are you looking to fuck with him and lead him on before turning him off in the cruellest way possible, or are you just wanting to tread him into the dirt and get rid of him as quickly as you can?
I favor the latter; if that’s the case, I’d go with “I’m sorry, but you must must have an IQ of at least 100 to ride this ride. You clearly have the intelligence of a rock and so fail my requirements completely. Have a nice day”.
cheers,
Phil
Oh god, latter. The former is unspeakably mean, the latter is at least sort of funny to mean people like me. My figuring is that if he was genuinely interested, flipping off a one-sentence email thereby putting the entire burden of conversation development in my court is not cool, therefore he deserves an inbox full of WTF.
For some reason I thought you were a lesbonian.
Y’know, I’ve been getting that a lot, particularly lately. For example, a friend exclaimed “Sometimes you just REALLY need penis (sidelong look at me) or, uh, vagina. Whatever.”
I tend to play relationship stuff pretty close to the chest on LJ after a couple of bad experiences a few years ago, and I very rarely introduce people I’m dating to my friends, so I’m sure that has a lot to do with it. Also, I tried to marry myself on Facebook, but when it wouldn’t let me, I’m now listed as being in an open relationship with a female friend…so there’s a number of factors in play.
Girls are hot, no doubt, and the ‘b’ word has flitted through my mind more than once, but a girl was super into me at the New Year’s Eve party I attended and it became painfully obvious that I’m pretty goddamn straight.
Which is a very long-winded way of saying that I’m not on the team, but I’m a pretty vocal cheerleader.
Gotcha 🙂 You’re probably wise to keep relationship stuff close to your chest, especially online. I’m horrible with that.
I just like to wait to introduce someone until I’m sure about them–because if he hits it off with my friends and then the relationship goes sour, it’s time to ride the drama train with the dalai drama llama*. I used to be REALLY bad about blogging everything and have gotten busted on more than one occasion by delicate emo flower bois.
*Also known as the M. Night Shamalamadalaidramallamadingdong Train.
hah. and Seattle does have more than its share of delicate emo flower bois, doesn’t it?
FAR MORE than its share. I really don’t want a guy who wears more makeup than me, can’t take a joke, and to whom the concept of acting like a man even occasionally is horrifying. Sure, gender roles are kinda BS, but if I wanted to date a girl, I’d just date a girl.
You should totally move to Minneapolis.
I doubt I could deal with SUPER WINTER again–I grew up in Wisconsin and dealt with more than enough snow for my lifetime.
It’s funny, a few years ago you would have never heard me say that I want a man’s man, and even when I say it now, it’s not what I really mean. I appreciate the more progressive liberal values Seattle has, but I’m oh-so-tired of overly passive men. It’s like most guys here are so afraid of rejection, they won’t even try–I’ve had TWO friends now send me emails saying “Oh, my so and so friend likes you, you should go out.” Like it’s up to ME to make things happen. No, and thank you.
Geez. See if I’d have met cool peeps like you I’d so totally still be living in Seattle. I liked the progressiveness too, and the scenery.
Awww, thank you! I’ve actually met a lot of really cool people friend-wise here, and I don’t mean to discount them at all. It’s just dating that’s been tough. Then again, I pretty much took myself off the market for a couple of years, so I really only have myself to blame there.
You should totally move to Minneapolis. I can hook you up.
“get to know me? but… i’m having your baby next month. :(“
I thought we had a love connection. Like, Chuck Wollery and shit.
Thanks 4 teh email id lik 2 get 2 kno u too. I shud tell u 1 thang tho, I have a dik but im gettin it removd next month, is that ok?
ive got an angry inch 🙁 🙁 🙁 🙁 but mebe we cud mak eech other hppy!
“ohai! U has a taste? If u no has taste I not inturesded.”
(Basically pretend you’re a LOLcat who thinks a ‘cory’ might be yummy)
OM NOM NOM i has rumblin in my belliz!
in my okcupid profile i write that i will only consider reading/responding to messages that contain bionic in the subject line. it totally helps. prior to implementing that, i was wasting a lot of time reading stupid messages from people who very obviously had nothing in common with me and were just desperate for any warm hole to stick their penis in.
it also provides a built-in excuse not to need to respond should they ever yell at you later for ignoring them 🙂
I used to at least respond to every message I got, because I know that it sucks when someone leaves you hanging. This, coupled with my “I will at least meet up with anyone who has the balls to ask me out” policy has led me down the path toward some nightmarishly bad dates (I hate to be Shallow McShallow, but there was one guy who seriously looked like he could’ve been a stand-in for Gollum should Andy have fallen sick during filming LOTR), and now I really only respond to messages/people I find interesting, or if someone actually put effort into it. One-sentence “Hey u seem cool, let’s chat” almost always get binned immediately, but this one seemed to call for something more.
Another guy a while back sent me a message asking me out THAT DAY, I already had plans and didn’t even see his message, and the next day, he sent me another email all butthurt about my lack of response. Yes, because exactly what I want is Mr. High-Pressure Needy.
I bet you’ve gotten some blindingly hilarious messages.
honestly, i’m not sure i would even take it as a good sign if i asked someone out for the same day and they said yes. i feel like the average person has a lot going on in their life even if they aren’t dating anyone… gym, friends, etc… or even just a plan with themself to watch a movie that night =P i wouldn’t necessarily want to date someone who would drop everything in their life for me (as a stranger) or just plain not have stuff going on already. someone who freaked out about that = whoaaa, creepy alert! red flag to the maximum! heh.
i rarely respond to anyone. but to be fair it does note in my profile that i’m already dating someone and that i’m pretty strapped for time as it is, so it doesn’t really lead them on to believe that i’m necessarily going to reply 😉 i get a lot of messages from 50 year old men who are unattractive both mentally and physically. they seem to believe that me mentioning i’m cool with dating multiple people means that i want to sleep with them and their 50-year-old wife. i probably should put a disclaimer in there noting that i’m not very interested in a “romantic” relationship with someone who’s more than 10 years older than i am. it doesn’t occur to me to mention it because i would never think to go on okcupid and start picking up 19 year olds.
Hell, it makes me feel creepy when OKC points out all of my 21 year old matches–I don’t know what’s up with all the guys messaging me who are old enough to be my dad. I don’t consider this ageism (Is that a valid ism?) because I really honestly feel that at 26 and 50, we should be in very different stages of life.
You’re never, EVER going to be able to top my super-duper BEST online ad response.
It was from a dude who was, I shit you not, a Hulk Hogan impersonator! There were multiple photos and EVERYTHING! It was so many layers of awesome, I nearly peed myself. Especially at the part where he said he wanted to “put a headlock on my heart”!
And you know what? If the guy hadn’t lived in friggin’ Ontario, Canada, I’d have actually made it a point to meet him, at least once. Because it wouldn’t have failed to be one of the best date stories of my life.
It was already a great story, and you didn’t even go on the date. Did you save the pictures, at least?
This is my favorite back-and-forth ‘hey, we’re BOTH fucking around’ exchange.
Alas, I wish I had saved the photos, but I didn’t think to do it.
Oh, the CL exchange is priceless! You ever hear back from him?
No, it’s been three years so it’s safe to say that cledus and I will never be sharing the bonds of holy matrimony.
PS: As for this responder, just ignore it. His approach sucks, but that just means it’s an effective way for you to weed him out. He’s using the scattergun approach, and he clearly hasn’t spent any time reading your profile (or working on his language skills, for that matter), so there’s no need for you to waste energy on him. And if you just want to mock him mercilessly, well, I think you’re better than that.
I’ve really been enjoying reading these responses all day, but you’re right. I doubt I’d get an entertaining response from him, even if I tried the “I am willing to ignore what my spirit animal is telling me about you if you have a very large penis. Do you have a very large penis? The wolf and I anxiously await your reply.” tactic. I should save that one for the genuinely crazy that come knocking on my intertubes door.
omgz god said you would come one day to be the father of my children i almost didn’t believe him but finally you have come, however before we can complete this transaction i need SEVEN THOUSAND dollars deposited in my bank account so i can give you my VIRGINITY but only after the transaction is complete because as you know i’m the princess of america
Ooooh, the first internet dating message to potentially land me in prison. Schwing!