I have now officially entered the point in my life where my friends are having babies, as evidenced by the not one, but TWO baby showers I attended on Saturday, and the several more over the last month that I was unable to attend and a couple MORE over the next month that I’m totally going to skip out on (SHHHHHHHHHHHHH). It’s not that I don’t love my friends. It’s not that I’m not happy for them. It’s just….how much time do you think YOU can devote to ‘ooohing’ and ‘aaaahing’ over tiny clothes? Take that number and divide it by five, and that’s about my level of baby tolerance.
Plus, this is exactly the sort of idiocy I hate contending with:
Really? Diapers for a baby at Babies R Us? You’re shitting me.
And the HENS who attend those showers, all broody and clucking and bawking about all sorts of things no decent person cares to hear about, like their scrapbooking fetishes and intimate details about their sex lives, bearing in mind, of course, that you’ve never MET THEM BEFORE and, OH YEAH, NEVER ASKED THEM ABOUT THOSE THINGS.
So, what I’m going to need from at least five friends is a sworn affadavit stating that they do not intend to have children, for, say, at least five more years. Notarization is appreciated but not required.
I, _________, do hereby swear to remain baby-free for a period extending to at least five years hence, because my friend Melissa is totally a selfish you-know-what and doesn’t want to share me. I am aware of how babies are made and understand the necessary precautions. I further understand that if I HAVE a baby during this five year period, I am not to ask ‘auntie’ Melissa to baby-sit, for the safety of both her and the baby.
Signed on the ______ day of _______, ______
__________________
I think I will be joining the baby-having in the next five years, but I promise I won’t make you bring me a diaper/burpclothflower arrangement. Ugh, all that stupid crap makes me want to throw up.
But, but…don’t you want to play a shower game where someone melts a whole bunch of candy bars into a diaper, permanently ruining candy for you? For forever and ever?
:retch:
what.
I KNOW, RITE?
:spew:
People do that? Oh my god.
At both showers, candy was related to various disgusting body functions, ensuring that I stick on my healthy eating path for a long time to come.
The alternative is to be pregnant nowhere near family. That’s how we had Anna. Nearest relatives were 3.5 hour drive away. SHAZAM no baby shower with no clucking hens.
I’m signing your thingy there. Of course, it’s easy for me to do. However I am hurt that you don’t want to babysit.
Do you really want me to accidentally kill your baby?
I think the more likely scenario is that Anna lavishes Napoleon with so much attention and affection that they run off together.
Well, as long as they stick together, I’ll be able to get them back as Napoleon is microchipped.
knowing Anna’s mom, Anna might be as well.
That would be sort of handy–I know *my* mom wished she had a tracking device for me when I hit about 17. The cell phone that was only for ‘dire emergencies’, she tried to use as an electronic leash, so I just kept it turned off all the time.
Signed, sealed, and delivered, baby.
~Aramada
America! Fuck yeah!
whatever. i’m betting ‘diapers … especially for poop fetishists’ is just out of frame.
I’m guessing their ‘1 for baby, 1 for grandpa’ campaign didn’t work so well.
I will sign it! I am never having babies. (mostly political reasons like wtf right do I have to make a baby when I have the option not to…in the state of this world. PLEASE!)
ALSO! I’m not even going to my own sister’s baby shower. Mostly because it’s in Spokane, and on my birthday, AND I DO NOT WANT TO SPEND MY BIRTHDAY IN SPOKANE!
But…you don’t want to visit Spoklahoma on your special day?
(Seriously, why would your sister do that? Did she forget it was your birthday or what?)
yep. My mom called to invite me and said “It’ll be at my house on June 28” and I said, “………………………………………………………………………. my birthday?” and she goes, “……………………………………………………………………….. ye…..ah. :)”
I am planning on hitting Boom City on the 28th if you want to come. FIREWORKS!
ooooh feck yehhh!
I love such things as those.
spoklahoma.
You’ve got at least 5 yrs with me. I’m pretty much lacking the maternal instinct. I enjoy seeing my friends’ children for bits and pieces of time as the bad-influence ‘aunt’, but I don’t really have any desire to have any of my own.
Woot! I’m going to be the friend who gets kids drum kits.
welcome to my world.
I,, do hereby swear to remain baby-free for the rest of my Petedamn life and I will freely show anyone the scar to prove it for I am SPAYED, because my friend Melissa is totally awesome and doesn’t want to share me. I am aware of how babies are made and understand that they suck donkey balls unless they belong to someone else and I can give them back after irrevocably corrupting them as a good Crazy Auntie should. I further understand that if I HAVE a baby ever, I am to ask ‘auntie’ Melissa to shoot me through the right eye and bury me in a shallow grave near the Green River, for I have lost all remnants of sanity and common sense.
Signed on the 19th day of June, 2008
Jeanine, aka
You’re writing from the future?!??!
I HAVE MAD SKILLZ, BITCH!
Can I borrow your time machine this weekend? I want to do some Quantum Leap-style shenanigans.
I’ll do you one better.
I, gray_jedi, do hereby swear to remain baby-free for a period extending to the END OF TIME, because I am a selfish you-know-what and don’t want to share any of my time/energy/money. I am aware of how babies are made and understand the necessary precautions. I further understand that if I HAVE a baby during this five year period, I am to immediately give the spawn to an orphanage and myself to the nearest mental hospital.
Signed on the 19th day of May, 2008
Heather the Magnificent
Fuck yeah!
i would like it known that should i ever marry OR procreate, i don’t want any showers, of any sorts.
No bachelorette party with booze and strippers?
No.
But…however will you get a hangover for your wedding day?
from normal every day behavior? heh. i am a courthouse girl, myself.
But…but….I’m a ‘Fat Elvis’ girl. I don’t know that we can be married. 🙁
oh, the exception is surely made for a Vegas wedding. VEGAS BAAAAAABY!!!! WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Can we stay in the Luxor and watch the Thunder from Down Under?
i don’t know what any of that meant, so sure!
The Luxor
The Thunder from Down Under (Totally blocked by my prudish workplace filters. JEEEZ.)
i wish the Luxor still had the river inside – and isn’t that the one that does/or did have rooms with no windows?
man, i HATE male strippers. i find them too cheesy and too muscular. so if i can mock, i will go.
That whole show is about mockery. Carrie and I even wholeheartedly mocked the other ladies who were there. ALL OF THEM.
I’m not sure about the rooms in the luxor, I just always dug the egyptian theme. I could be easily convinced to stay in Caesar’s Palace instead. Or really, anything other than the Stratosphere, which sucked truck nuts.
lol. i used to dj for a “male revue.”
If these guys didn’t dance they didn’t get paid, so you’d often see a guy with a 103 degree fever strutting about to make his next check.
As someone who has been to both types of strip clubs (well, there are smaller sub-types, but I’m not going to nitpick), I was shocked to see the difference between how women treated the male dancers vs how men treat the women dancers. I mean, guys are not allowed to touch the women at all, even during lapdances, whereas women put their hands right down in a guy’s g-string!
The only good thing about the Strat is the fact that it’s dirt cheap.
I don’t necessarily need to stay in the most posh of rooms, as I understand I’d rather have the money to do fun vegas stuff, like mack on Penn Jillette. However, little signs all over the room warning you that if you steal anything, we’ll know when the last time anything in the room was steal-worthy was in the 70s is a touch too obnoxious for me.
Seriously? I stayed there last August and didn’t notice anything of the sort. There weren’t any signs like that in my friend Avi’s room, either. So weird.
Hey, maybe I just look like a thief and they put me in the ‘don’t steal shit’ room on purpose.
i am way more into egypt than ceasar. i heard, at least, when it opened, the rooms had no windows to keep the pyramid look on the outside, and it made people feel like they were in a tomb. it think they “fixed” that. tomb-like with the river [absent cos of ghosts! noooooo!!! WANT ghosts!] sounded like the coolest thing ever.
i’ve never been to vegas.
I will never have a baby or corresponding shower because I have no uterus. Which is a perfectly acceptable agreement for me.
If, for some reason, I do become pregnant, you will all bear witness to my inevitable alien hellspawn, which will ravage the earth as the rivers and seas run red with the blood of humanity.
Um, if you get pregnant, that’s going to put a serious kink in my plans to be overlord of earth. How in the @##$! am I supposed to defeat hellspawn!?
I’ll go you one better. I hereby swear to remain baby-free, period. Also, I sympathize. My friends who are spawning already know better than to ask Uncle Phil to EVER babysit.
cheers,
Phil
*snork* When I minded the two wee Spamettes belonging to my friends Brian (aka Spamhead) and Donna last summer while we were all on vacation, the girls ended up with Sharpie tramp stamps, courtesy of Auntie Chile. 😀
Ah, so Brian and Donna learned their lesson, then? 🙂
cheers,
Phil
Nah, they thought it was funny. I only have cool friends, regardless of their parental status.
Thank you for your solidarity! 😀
Can’t make any promises
I would sign your agreement but I may, at some point in the future, need 147 tiny washcloths. If that need does not arise, however, the coast should be clear.
Re: Can’t make any promises
The best part is when you’re done with the washcloths, you can use them for scrapbooking!
I am never having children ever. Ever, ever ever. Unless you count the cats.
As it is less socially acceptable to send out invitations that say “Hello, I am buying a pet, please ‘shower’ me with gifts!”, no, I do not count your cats. 😉
I’ll thank you that MY shower you missed out on was a kegger complete with shots AND a pinata. So take your anti-baby snark and shove it.
You know my anti-baby snark is not directed at you. 😛
You say that, but it cuts like a knife. 🙂 I am fully aware that your whole post has nothing to do with me or Pinto, because you are fully aware that he will be spending some time with his favorite Auntie Mellzah… who else will teach him the ways of the force and give his parents time to drink heavily and fornicate with impunity?
You say that as if you believe I am someone who can be trusted with a baby, ever. When I try to picture it, I see the below scenario:
Nicki: Here is my precious baby Jack, Mellzah. Can you watch him while I go off to fornicate and eat tacos? lalala!
30 seconds later
Mellzah: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO.
Nicki: Mellzah, HOW IN THE FLYING CHRISTLY HELL DID MY BABY END UP IN MOLTEN LAVA? We aren’t even anywhere near a goddamned volcano! I WAS GONE FOR LESS THAN A MINUTE.
Mellzah: ….I don’t know. It was all kind of sudden.
I never EVER said anything about tacos, A. And B, this is MY KID you are talking about… you don’t think that he would be sitting there, smoking a cigarette and telling me that “Hey, everything is cool here, Mama.”
At which point I will be blamed for giving your child cigarettes using my jew-man-face. I know you!
I totally forgot about your jew-man face.
MAN! This makes me wonder what ELSE I have forgotten about!
Babies scare me. Never, ever, ever will I have them, much less ooh and aah over them.
Cats are another thing altogether. They actually ARE cute… and smarter.
What scares me even more than the babies are the shower hens. Some brainwashing (or brain removal) is required, apparently.
You’ve got my signature forever, baby!
It got to the point where I was pretty sure that if I heard the word ‘precious’ one more time, I was going to spew.