After lunch, my dad and I spent some time in the cesspool–that is, we went to the La Brea Tar Pits. All these years, I’d assumed that the rotten egg smell of Los Angeles was a mere byproduct of the rotten, narcissistic attitudes of the people living there, or fumes given off by the metric tons of plastic surgery performed daily, but as it turns out, it’s hydrogen sulfide bubbling to the surface with methane gas. Alongside the tar pits is the Page Museum, which displays a selection of the fossils they’ve uncovered and puts scientists safely behind glass, where they can be observed without danger. It’s only inhumane if you put the Amish in a terrarium. It was about this time that both my dad and I were struck by how overtired we were–my flight didn’t arrive in San Diego until fairly late the night before, and we got a very early start to miss traffic on our drive up to LA, and all of a sudden, everything was funny and we became Those People. It started when we went to watch the movie on how the tar pits trapped animals, and, as a dutifully accessible museum, it was subtitled for deaf viewers. All it took was one [horse neighs] and I was on the giggletrain to That Persontown. If you’ve never heard a neigh, does that word even have any meaning? How about [dramatic music]? You’d never see a porno subtitled with [vaginal fart]–hearing some things just doesn’t add to the experience. But I digress. The oldest fossil found in the pits has been dated at 40,000 years, which means, if you have any sense of Earth’s timeline whatsoever, that no dinosaurs have been found in the pits, as they fell off the face of the Earth 65.5 million years ago. They have, however, found a number of now-extinct large species, and their disappearance from the face of North America is a mystery–animals like giant camels. 
This fellow here is an Antique Bison. This is where we became Those People in earnest, nearly crying with laughter over jokes as stupid as seeing what we could get for it on Antiques Roadshow. One guy commented that he couldn’t in good conscience follow us around the museum as we were having far too much fun doing something that was supposed to be educational. 
Note the Shasta Ground Sloth. Shasta, if you are unaware, is also an off-brand soft-drink, and I, for one, would like to see a Ground Sloth flavored beverage on the shelves right next to the Tiki Punch. 
They call this creature a saber-tooth cat. I, personally, defer to the Yellow Ranger, and if she calls it a “Saba Tooth Tiga”, then I shall as well. 
The pits also nabbed a unicorn! 
Something about this skull in particular I find terrifyingly freakshowish, but I can’t pinpoint what exactly about it is so creepy. 
They’ve got an interactive display up where you can see what it would be like to be trapped in tar–it’s pretty safe to say that if I got a foot trapped inside, the only way I’d escape would be to gnaw off my own leg. 
I also find this skull to be freaky, so I suppose there’s something about elephants and mastodons that I find unsettling. Did you know that mastodon and elephant bones and teeth were portrayed by the church as belonging to antediluvian giants until science stepped in and ruined their fun? It’s true! Some religious scholars went so far as to attempt to prove that all of our ancestors were much, much taller, with Adam topping out at 330 feet tall, or 63.95 Mellzah units. In the noncanonical book of Enoch, angels were so taken with the beauty of human women that they took them as wives and together spawned the race of evil giants, the Nephilim, and it’s been further postulated that the great flood was to destroy the giants–that it was worth it to God to destroy everything he had made in order to wipe out what his angels had wrought. However, there are references to giants in books taking place after the flood–King Og, for one, and Goliath, for another, which would mean that God destroyed his creation yet failed at his objective. This spawned another debate as to whether Noah and the other ark survivors were giants, which would explain the post-flood giants in the bible. Also: Lutherans blamed Catholics for the disappearance of Nordic giants, saying that all of their toils and fasting prevented their descendants from attaining the heights of their ancestors. During the seventeenth and eighteenth centuries, elephant and mastadon bones were being sold to kings and churches as the remains of their mightiest heroes. Forgive the digression, I just find this sort of thing to be fascinating. 
I like to imagine the middle skeletal bird as saying “WHAT UP, GUYS?” but that might just be me. 
Ka-KAW, betch! My dad pointed out that they tried to make the exhibit extra realistic. I think that’s how a lot of birds got trapped in the tar, frankly. They saw the larger animals playing elaborate games of chicken, triple-dog-daring one another to, come on, just stick ONE hoof in the tar, and after they were hopelessly stuck, they became like statues–and we all know how birds like to congregate around/crap on statues. Their bowel movement habits became their downfall. Clearly, I am a scientist. 
They have found a LOT of dire wolf skulls at Pit 91, more than any other creature. This display represents a very small percent of their total collection. Since they have so many, I, for one, was hoping that they’d sell off some of the extras in the gift shop. But nooooooo, science is apparently not for everyone. 
Here’s an ice age Jack Russell Terrier. 
When I look at this skull, I think it looks overwhelmingly smug. 
Here’s the bit where they started putting scientists on display for our amusement. The guy with the bright yellow hair was up closer to the glass earlier making some very animated hand gestures and I’m pretty sure he wasn’t talking about science. 
I, for one, was impressed at how no one in the fishbowl took any notice of the people gawking at them like slack-jawed yokels. 
This diagram was incomplete as it didn’t show the methane coming out the other side. 
Even 40,000 years ago, there were white trash neighbors putting pink flamingos out on the lawn. 
This camel’s thoughts: “What in the HELL is all this greenery? I am SO. FUCKING. LOST.” Soooooo remember earlier in this post when I said that it’s unknown what happened to all of these large land animals, because it’s not like you see extraordinarily large camels bopping around North America? I think I just figured out the mystery: 
The animals were likely delicious. 
24,000 years ago was when the first schlubby dude invented the utilikilt. 
Only one set of human remains has ever been found in the tar pit. I’m guessing she was the village idiot, but the (pretty clearly) male artist who decided what she looked like felt like drawing an attractive, stacked chick, with long flowing hair that looks like silk many thousands of years before the invention of Pantene. Isn’t that amazing? After we pressed pennies, it was time to start driving south to meet up with my dad’s boyfriend for dinner in orange county. I was hoping it would not go anything like when I met my mom’s boyfriend, but it would have taken a LOT to go that poorly–she sprung it on me, she couldn’t stop talking about what a jackass he was (then WHY do you think I’d want to meet him, mom? “Hello, I hear you’re a jackass!”?) and then as soon as he got into the car he started asking me personal questions–it was foul. This was pretty much that encounter’s exact opposite. My dad and I had discussed it on the phone beforehand, he’s only ever had positive things to say about J., and J. was delightful. We were comfortable with one another right away, and I’m so, so happy that my dad has found someone so awesome.
“Dad! You’re sinking!” “Naw, that’s OK. I’m pretty sure I can struggle my way out.”
i feel smarter!
Your 50-word report is due on Friday.
You have wonderful sciencey vacations. Yes, sciencey.
I’m like the Liberace of scientists. Showy, entertaining, but mostly without substance or educational value.
They don’t have any fossilized poop? I like the exhibits that feature the fossilized dino poop. They just explain that it’s used to study the diet and how sometimes they find skeletal parts.
I know what they really find.
Corn.
HAHA! Dinos were big on fiber, I hear.
No fossilized dino anything on display here, and if they had fossilizezd other animal poop on display, I must have missed it.
Coprolites only form in very specific conditions; pools of tar are very much not one of those conditions.
as if a pool of tar could break down corn. sharight.
I didn’t know that. 🙂 Why does it preserve some organic things like wood, but not, em, things made of wood/vegetation?
The things in question are soft and (one suspects, being uninterested in performing the relevant experiments) break apart rather quickly in hot liquids. Especially bubbly ones.
I would only be interested in performing the experiments if it came with a 100% guarantee that I wouldn’t be able to smell said experiments.
You…..lead an interesting life.
cheers,
Phil
I was both blessed and cursed by the Chinese, apparently.
I think you should pitch the Ground Sloth soda to the Jones Soda people!
Mmmmmm, slothy. You can really taste the matted fur!
Heh. The word “shenanigans” always makes me think of the show Twin Peaks. If you’ve seen it you probably know why. =P
I haven’t seen it, but I fully intend to!
I was just talking about wanting to go to the pits!
Observations:
1. The partial view of the white sign on the interactive display cries out for comment … I shall refrain, however, because it would not be scholarly…
2. Skulls + gift shop = why i love your sense of humor. This reminds me of a geology class in college where we were handling fossils and somebody broke a trilobite, I think it was, and I thought, “What?! I … you … THEY DON’T MAKE THOSE ANYMORE!”
3. I’m sure the scientists (and I think they have lab volunteers too) are used to the gawking, but I wish you could talk to them, because I would definitely say, “You bred raptors?”
4. I too am fascinated by the animals we used to have, but I do believe the camels STARTED HERE and went to Africa…
5. I remember reading about Zed, but it still makes me think of “Pulp Fiction” … “Zed’s dead, baby. Zed’s dead.”
6. I’ll bet ancient hot chick was murdered. Actually, I’m surprised they didn’t find more bodies … Ice age people must have been kinder and gentler … or the mob hadn’t been born yet…
The day you posted about it was the day I was actually there!
I can certainly guess what your unscholarly remark would be. 😀
I found an interesting book excerpt on La Brea Woman … I will point out only as an aside that it seems I may be right…
And then there was this:
“Actually, she had an ectopic tooth,” Christopher Shaw tells me. He is the collections manager. He has opened the file cabinet labeled Artifacts Pit 10: La Brea Woman and removed a skull from an old wooden box that was tied up with rope and upon which is written “Fragile, Handle with Care.” He shows me an indentation to the right of the skull’s top jaw, where the tooth would have shown above her lip.
It’s good to know that Mr. Artist decided to draw a hot lady instead of something closer to the reality of Little Miss Snaggletooth.
I am going to love it if the artist turns out to be a woman…
Hey, that museum has had financial problems, right? So, it’s either sex sells or a skeleton that comes alive and chases one of its own bones…
Uh, between the two, I’d rather pay for the latter. A drawing of boobies isn’t going to make me hurriedly grasp for my wallet!
I didn’t say it was a well-played attempt at “sex sells,” but it’s safer than being run over by a moving mammoth skeleton…
I’m sure if they find a male human skeleton, they’ll throw some beefcake up on the wall…
He’d better be hung to the knees.
OK, but remember, people were awfully short back then…
[vaginal farts] seems to have left the most outstanding impression. Hahah
I want to go to museums with you! You have fun!
Life is too short to NOT have fun. 🙂 If I had my druthers, I’d set up a weirdo museum ala Ripley and subject SCORES of people to my idea of fun!
I’m married to a science geek, so we are subjected to all sorts of weird information on a daily basis. His latest obsession: rain found on Mars. So last night I dreamed we lasso’d Mars and pulled it into the Earth’s orbit, created a new atmosphere and started to populate the place. There’s food for your comic genius.
After Mars got an atmosphere, did it stay in our orbit? It would be awfully convenient for transporting people back and forth, but I suppose it would wreak havoc with the tides!
I didn’t think about the tides. Other planets have more than one moon. Of course other planets aren’t inhabited. I guess in my mind, the problem of the atmosphere was solved with the proximity of the Earth.
Guess I’ll have to leave that up to the real brains.
Other planets aren’t inhabited.
Foolish Earthling…
I keep thinking about that crazy cult that all committed suicide because they believed they were going to follow a comet or something like that. They were intelligent people. Just cooky.
George Noory would have loved the dream.
The Yellow Ranger died back in ’01 🙁
That long ago? Wow. 🙁
my favorite thing to caption at work is [toilet flushing].
AHAHAHA
[evacuating bowels]
What movie are you referencing in the title? It’s driving me crazy!
It’s from the Simpsons episode ‘Bart Gets an Elephant’. Season 5, I think.
I’m watching these tar pits on Dirty Jobs right now!!
I’m watching these tar pits on Dirty Jobs right now!!