“Ugh, I’m going to throw this crap away before I vomit.”

September 14, 2011 2 Comments read Masticating With Mellzah, Pacific, Travel, USA, Washington, West

It’s fair time in Washington, which means it’s time to dress down, slather ourselves in sunscreen, and broaden our palates by eating things we normally enjoy, now battered and deep fried. In honor of this occasion, Jason and I rewrote the lyrics to Rebecca Black’s “Friday”, which served to pump us up and thoroughly annoy Tristan over the course of the forty minute drive to the fair:

It’s fair day, fair day, gotta get down on fair day Everybody’s lookin’ forward to the weekend, weekend Fair day, fair day Gettin’ down on fair day Everybody’s lookin’ forward to the weekend Corndogs and corndogs (yeah!) Funnel cakes and funnel cakes (yeah!) Fried fried fried fried Lookin’ forward to the weekend

Our game plan was fairly straightforward: Walk around the fair once to determine the foods we were going to attempt to cram down our throats, then eating round one commenced. After eating, we’d go to a barn to check out some animals, after which came food round two, then came checking out arts and crafts and the “miracle” As Seen On TV crapfest of booths, and then the third round of eating, the danger round, in which you consume the things you feel are most likely to kill you or cause you to violently eject the contents of your stomach over a square block. Round one was the scone round. I’m not typically a scone fan, finding them dry and bland. Fair scones, stuffed with raspberry jam and butter, are another story.

Then we looked at some mini-horses and some normal size horses and some really big horses, and then some chicks for good measure. If we collected one of each of the animals I squealed over and asked if we could take home, our backyard would now be quite a menagerie.

I pledge my Head to clearer thinking, my Heart to greater loyalty, my Hands to larger service and my Health to better living, for my club, my community, my country, and my world, which does not leave a lot of room for pledging my computer to more spell-checking.

Round two was the krusty pup and funnel cake round. Jason’s funnel cake sense had been tingling all week, so when he received a burnt, overly dense funnel cake, it was a sad disappointment. He took a few bites and was ready to throw it away, Tristan took a bite and also declared it a piece of funnel crap, and I elected to pass in order to attempt to save room for the third round.

We made our way to the Hobby Hall, and couldn’t believe our eyes. Lurking inside were some of the ugliest and most horrifying pieces of artwork ever created. Ever.

“Hi, I’m Captain Nightmare!”

“Hi, I’m Bug-Eyed Sparkle Torture Jesus!”

“Hi, I’m a Lego model replica of the 9/11 terrorist attacks, but you can call me by my nickname: Tasteful.”

“Hi, I’m a Lego model replica of the crucifixion of Jesus, complete with magic marker blood, made by an 8 year old.” Seriously, what 8 year old thinks “CRUCIFIXION!!!!!!” when it’s time to play with Lego bricks?

We were all too eager to leave the Hobby Hall to get to Round Three: The Danger Round, which took place at the Totally Fried booth, where anything you’ve ever considered eating has been coated in batter and deep fried. Tristan ordered deep fried butter and deep fried kool aid. I noted that they had deep fried Rocky Mountain Oysters, and since it was potentially the most vile thing on the menu and therefore a dare, I stepped up to order and consume some bull testicles for the entertainment of my friends and blog readers. However, they had not yet received their bull ball shipment and I was turned away empty-mouthed.

^{Deep fried butter on the left, deep fried kool aid on the right.}

From others’ accounts of deep fried butter, it’s supposed to taste like REALLY buttery dough–that is, the butter inside should have all melted and absorbed into the coating. This was not the case. Tristan picked up one, and at least a quarter stick if not more of nearly solid butter dropped out from the batter. He gamely took a bite of the other, and butter squirtled (it was too solid to have merely “squirted”) out from the sides of the dough and his mouth. It was pronounced disgusting and we moved on.

It’s hard to imagine, but deep fried kool aid was even more disgusting. We all came to the table with different ideas as to what deep fried kool aid might entail–a puff of dry sugary powder in the middle, that the dough itself was infused with the kool aid flavoring, so the reality of it came as a surprise. We each took a bite, and we each made a horrible face. Deep fried kool aid can best be described as a ball of fried dough surrounding raw pancake batter flavored with cough syrup. It coated our tongues with the taste of evil. While Jason and I tried to flush our mouths with lemonade, Tristan ran off to throw it all away before getting another krusty pup to cleanse his palate.

Cause it’s fair day, fair day, Throwing up on fair day Everybody’s looking forward to some salad.

“I’m pretty sure they offer barrel rides from the top.” Multnomah Falls, Oregon

September 8, 2011 3 Comments read Oregon, Pacific, The Great Outdoors, Travel, USA, West

After visiting the Vista House and learning about wind and bathrooms, we drove the short distance to Multnomah Falls, where we learned about waterfalls, poison ivy, and jerks. The lessons about jerks came quickly, as we waited patiently for someone to finish fiddling around with their seatbelts and hats and GPS and radio and waistbands and wallets and finally leave their parking spot, only to have a man pull out of the queue behind us, drive his van up in front of us, and try to take the spot. Someone jumped out, explaining “We’ll take this spot, and you can take another one back there.” Uh, no. That’s not how parking and lines work, but thanks for playing! Maybe if you’d offered us money for the spot, we’d be more inclined to go to the trouble of turning around and trying to take a different place, but as it was, the lot was jammed full and the idea of circling around for an hour looking for another spot just for the sake of giving up our spot to an overly assertive person didn’t tickle our honor bones. We ended up taking the parking spot, and the man and his van sat in the wrong lane, blocking traffic, for quite some time, shaking his head in disbelief that his stellar plan didn’t work out as anticipated.

The falls themselves were gorgeous and awe-inspiring, and we hiked to the bridge to get a closer look. A trail is available to hike to the top of the falls, but none of us made it up there. The trail itself is uneven and narrow, one side being a rather steep drop-off, and the other side choked with poison oak. Everyone and their brother had decided to visit the falls that day, and they all brought small children and dogs, the better with which to obliviously block the entirety of the trail to force you off either into the poison oak or teetering on the edge. It simply wasn’t worth attempting to hike the entire thing, as I didn’t want to travel home with a terrible rash or in a body bag. I’d definitely like to visit again, but only on a low-traffic day, lest I learn more about jerks and less about waterfalls.

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Ascending Thor’s Heights: The Vista House At Crown point

September 8, 2011 Comments Off read Attractions, Oregon, Pacific, Travel, USA, West

As part of our roadtripstravaganza, we stopped at the Vista House at Crown Point. Their website indicates that one will learn “about the building, the highway, the Gorge, local history, sights to see, the flora and fauna, and visitor “comfort” facilities and rest area.” I learned one: that there were no lines for the women’s restroom (a rarity at any place in the United States but particularly at a roadside attraction) and two: if you’d hooked someone the size of my grandma (about five feet tall, 75 pounds soaking wet) up to some string and put her in a billowy sweatshirt, I’m quite certain you could fly her like a kite off of the side of the building as the wind there is unbelievably strong. There were a few occasions when the wind nearly knocked me off my feet and I’m considerably heftier.