“Are you playing the town drunk?” “I’m actually supposed to be the mayor!”

May 8, 2012 Comments Off read Attractions, California, Pacific, Travel, USA, West

On our first day in San Diego, we had some free time in the afternoon, so we decided to pay a visit to Old Town to see what life in Ye Olde San Diego was like: as it turns out, it was full of gift shops and booze, so I don’t know why historians keep going on and on about how tough things were for settlers. No, there wasn’t a churro stand on EVERY corner, but that’s really less a hardship and more of a motivation to walk the twenty or so steps to the next one.

^{A child’s fantasy? What with the horrorshow rusted marionettes, I was thinking more along the lines of “A Child’s Nightmare”.}

Near one of the churro stands, we saw the “Old Town House of Jerky & Root Beer”, which is what I will assume that settlers ate and drank exclusively when they weren’t busy cramming tubes of cinnamon-sugared fried dough into their face holes. I believe in authentic experiences, so I was definitely game to sample their wares. Upon entry, the twenty-something year old shopkeep eyeballed us, gave us a knowing smile, and said “You guys are nerds, aren’t you? I can just tell, there aren’t a lot of nerds around here.” Well, yes, Jason was wearing a Green Lantern shirt, but I still feel that “nerd” is a strong word from someone dressed in full 1820s regalia.

It was a particularly educational day to visit the donkeys as they were less in a “Let’s teach people about history” mood and more in a “Let’s have state-protected donkey sex through the gate that separates us” mood. It was also educational to hear how parents explained donkey business to their children. We thought about panning for gold, but figured we’d have better luck for the same money panning out of a bottle of Goldschläger, and, as a bonus, we’d smell minty-fresh afterward.

The whole time we were in Old Town, Jason talked up his candle-dipping prowess, bragging about how he’d received an award in elementary school for “best candle” and that when he burned it, it brought peace to warring nations and appears next to the word “beauty” in some of the world’s finer illustrated encyclopedias. But when we got to the candle dipping shop, he utterly refused to defend his title in the Candle Dipping Battle of the Century, so I feel like he may have exaggerated his skills somewhat. Unfortunately, I’ll never know.

“If you could describe this experience in one sentence, what would it be?” “I can do it in a word: Harrowing.”

January 31, 2012 Comments Off read Everything is Terrible, Masticating With Mellzah, Pacific, Travel, USA, Washington, West

On Friday, we went to Wing Dome (which used to be a clever play on words on Seattle’s King Dome, but now that it’s gone and so are the Sonics, it’s more like a subtle way to confuse tourists and recent transplants) to celebrate Chris’ birthday. I ate my very first chicken wing, and as with most things that come with dipping sauces, I rather enjoyed it. Chris, who decided to embark on the 7 Wing Challenge, enjoyed his somewhat less. The 7 Wing Challenge is as such: eat seven of their chicken wings smothered in seven alarm sauce in under seven minutes without using any napkins or drinking any beverage. If you win, you get the wings themselves for free, a t-shirt, and your picture on the wall of fame. If you lose, you have to pay for the wings…but not as much as you’d pay the next morning if you ate all seven. The only thing allowed on the plate at the end of seven minutes are clean bones. Our waiter helpfully added that one of the challenge-takers likened the flavor of the sauce to the devil’s dick. But Chris had just tried the five alarm sauce, and he wasn’t concerned.

He started out strong, but in the end, couldn’t make it past three wings. I don’t blame him–I tried a dot of the sauce on my pinky finger and my mouth exploded in flames while my face went numb. And not only is the sauce hot, there’s an ungodly amount of it ladled over the wings, which seems unfair. If you were to order any of their other wings, there would be only enough sauce on them to coat the surface–this was a chili bowl full of sauce dumped on top. A ten-gallon hat full of sauce.

This was an after picture. An AFTER–there’s so much sauce, you can’t even see that anything has been eaten or disturbed. Bad form, Wing Dome. Bad form.

The Bigfoot Diet: Pork Chops Aplenty!

December 7, 2011 3 Comments read (f)Art, Attractions, Pacific, Travel, USA, Washington, West

Anacortes: a town with the world’s second best fish and chips, smoked salmon phone cards, and more Sasquatch paintings than you can shake a stick at. The first Sasquatch came as a surprise. “Stop the car and look at that house!” A Sasquatch bid welcome, while an attack cat warned us to keep our distance and a mermaid floated further off indifferently. We parked the car and found more on our way to a restaurant–a Sasquatch couple, the lady of the pair holding a strategically placed flower. A Sasquatch peddling juice. A Sasquatch clutching a painter’s palette. When we found ourselves in a ceramics-painting coffee shop, what else could have served as our subject?

I began thinking about the lady Sasquatch and her carefully placed flower, and inspiration struck. While my painting skills fall somewhat short of Botticelli’s, my “Birth of Sasquatch” spoon rest will bring a touch of class to my kitchen. After we were finished, we left the pieces with the shop owner to be fired and asked if we needed to leave our names in order to pick them up–he took one look at our subject matter and figured he’d be able to keep them together without any difficulty.

I can’t wait to see them after they’ve been fired. While our masterpieces are not for sale, you can see more Anacortes sasquatch art and buy your own giant sasquatch at the artist Christine Olsen’s website.