I ain’t a winner, got a hot hand–place your bets, ladies & gentlemen!

March 3, 2010 18 Comments read Travel

Wake up, wake up, nothing could be worse, oh yeah! -Imarobot

9am came entirely too early on Sunday. I rolled out of bed, eyes bleary and red, face even puffier than normal, hair whipped up in a frenzy like it had self-styled in a tribute to the bride of Frankenstein, mouth like the Sahara (and I suppose it’s possible that at some point during the previous evening I actually DID lick something at the Sahara), and still I needed to get my stuff back in order and get out of the room before eleven. I drifted back and forth across the room, eventually collecting everything together or at least I think I did, stumbled to the elevator, made my way to the ABC store and croaked that I needed water or I was going to die. I then proceeded to chug an entire liter in front of the clerk who I believe attempted not to openly laugh at my clear dysfunctionality.

Semi-rehydrated, I plodded from the tower I was staying in to the front desk, stopping to press a penny along the way, as I cannot pass a penny-pressing machine without checking in every single pocket for the appropriate change or demanding it from the people around me. I have handfuls of elongated pennies and while I have no idea what I will actually do with them besides have them, their procurement is important to me. To this day, I’m disappointed that I didn’t have change when I went to the Oregon Vortex to use their penny machine. That was six years ago.

After checkout, I walked to the monorail and made my way back to Bally’s, where Kirsti and Matt were beginning to stir. Our collective hearts went out to Jason, who must have had enough time after he’d gotten back to his hotel to just sit on his bed for thirty minutes before he had to catch his flight out. The rest of us had a few hours to hang out before my mom was scheduled to come and pick me up, and we spent the majority of it just hanging out in their room, talking. We eventually headed downstairs to the casino to see if there were cheaper blackjack tables, given that it was a Sunday afternoon as opposed to Saturday evening, and lo and behold, we found a $5 minimum table. Matt and I sat down; I’m familiar with blackjack but had never played in a casino before and stumbled through some of the learning process. The dealer was surprisingly patient with me, my hand-motion idiocy, and my inability to add while hungover, even giving me advice when I was about to do something stupid, and I ended up having quite a bit of fun at the table. I even got blackjack two hands in a row!

After we played, it was pretty well time for me to leave, so they both walked me to the pick-up/drop-off area and waited for my mom. On our way to get some food, my mom told me that she was dating a magician and I choked on my snort of laughter. EVERYTHING about that scenario is funny to me. I keep thinking about him pulling scarves out of his wallet when going to pay for a movie, or ‘finding’ money behind my mom’s ear or whipping flowers out of his pants and I just want to die laughing. No one even wants to think about their parents having sex and yet I swear to you throwing a magician in there makes the idea of that funny as well. Seriously, a magician? What, a rodeo clown wasn’t available? No Elvis impersonators on the market?

At the airport, they announced that the flight was completely full and they were offering bumps. I tried to get on the list as I would have liked to spend another day; I didn’t get to spend any time with Frank over the weekend as he was busy with other stuff, and I was hoping to get to go with him to shoot automatic weapons, but it just wasn’t meant to be.

Until next time, Vegas. You stay classy!

I’m a sexy hypnotist/lost on the strip

March 2, 2010 26 Comments read Attractions, Travel

On Saturday, I woke up at a semi-reasonable 8am and then flopped around in bed until 11. What is this blazing death ball in the sky that insists on my being up and about? Why won’t it leave me alone? …Where did it go?

That’s right, folks. It had started pouring outside, to the dismay of all of the NASCAR people who had flooded the city this weekend and four Seattleites who were hoping to engage in more shenanigans.

We immediately decided to head to the tacky end of the strip (aka the end I was staying on) to find the world’s tackiest hoodies to protect us from the elements. I had already predetermined that I was most interested in something that had ‘had the shit bedazzled out of it’ but I was also willing to consider a particularly gross or offensive picture or slogan.

What wonders might we find in the world’s largest gift shop?

Elvis, for one!

A book on proper pole-dancing for two!

Penis nose glasses for three!

We were all pretty taken by these totally fetch velour hoodies, but then I found one that was so tacky, it made me catch my breath in shock and awe. Something that had had the shit bedazzled out of it. We also found butterfly princess crowns that were topped with sparkling fiber optics and bubble wands, and couldn’t pass those up, either. We also considered all hitting the town in matching leopard print snuggies.

Properly outfitted, we decided that the next thing to do was have a lightsaber joust on the moving sidewalks at Bally’s.

Only, when we got outside, as it turned out, the moving sidewalks were broken down and closed off. This was somewhat of an advantage as we figured there wouldn’t be people getting in the way of our picture-taking, but after we climbed over the yellow rope and walked up the escalator stairs, we looked back, and hordes of people were following us up, demonstrating the lemming effect. When I asked them why they followed us, they shrugged. One woman insisted there was no sign or anything that told them that it was broken, so clearly she was either blind or illiterate. Can YOU find the yellow rope, ladies and gentlemen? Hint: It is not as difficult as finding Waldo or doing the Magic Eye pictures.

Jason got video of Matt and I charging one another for our joust, Matt stabbing me with his lightsaber, and me subsequently falling down…in the magnificently sparkly crown. As soon as this assuredly hilarious video hits the internet, I will link it here. (And make a new post about it.)

Jason and Kirsti then did battle.

We got some more pictures and then happened to look down the escalator, where security guards had now taken up residence. We ran for it. They weren’t coming for us, but we ran anyway, and then Jedi-posed on the escalator coming down on the inside.

After these shenanigans, we decided it was time to actually do some gambling and get some free drinks. First things first: Felix has a tradition. Every time one of his friends goes to Vegas, he sends them five bucks to place on the roulette wheel for him. I remembered this earlier in the day and texted him about it:

We couldn’t find a blackjack table for Matt with a reasonable minimum bet–the majority were at $15-$20 min a hand, so we set up shop at the video poker terminals at the bar in Paris.

The bartender was very attentive, and I was plowed in very short order. I began blowing bubbles with my bubble wand after each hand to milk the booze:money spent gambling ratio and also because they were “scho….pretty”.

Some dude came by and asked me to blow a load in his face, and who was I to refuse?

I then got four of a kind twice in a row, struck up a conversation with strangers who were talking about ordering some funky-ass drink called the ‘sparkling wiggle’, told my friends to guard my winnings and my one and a half drinks already at my terminal, and wandered off with said strangers to do shots with them. They were visiting from San Diego, I got phone numbers and supposedly we are going to hang out when I’m in San Diego next month and the Sparkling Wiggle is DELICIOUS. The lady standing next to me won $200 with a five of a kind, high-fived me, everyone screamed ‘HAPPY BIRTHDAY’ down the bar to Kirsti, and then I roamed back, cashed out, and we continued our shenanigans elsewhere.

No one had good luck at the Star Trek machines.

Then we met this dude who wanted to show off his alcohol drinking prowess, and I was suitably impressed.

I was shooed away by a security guard when I tried to borrow someone’s Rascal scooter. He wasn’t using it! He was gambling! I would have brought it right back after a few laps. Jeez. I thought we lived in a society that shares.

Shortly thereafter, I abandoned my fiber optic crown that no longer sparkled and was denting my forehead.

We hung out in Kiki and Matt’s palatial room for a bit, and then called it a night. I ended up walking home to the Riviera, figuring it would be a good idea to try to walk off some of the booze, and also because I was feelin’ fine and wanted to strut a little and extend the evening instead of sitting for a cab for five minutes and calling it a night. I high-fived nearly every single person I passed on the way back. Only two people resisted my high-fivin’ prowess. When I saw people taking pictures of one another, I offered to take pictures of them together. Then we high-fived. One girl couldn’t stop fawning over my tacky sweatshirt, saying she had seen me before and wanted to know where I got that masterpiece. When I told her, she hugged me. Then we high-fived.

Then I walked into McDonalds, saw they were only serving breakfast, uttered ‘FUCK BREAKFAST’ and stalked out. By the time I actually got back to my room, it was 5:30 in the morning. Thus endeth day two.

It’s Las Vegas with the lights out!

March 1, 2010 15 Comments read Travel

I’m back from Vegas–I flew in late last night and haven’t had time to process photos or really even get any sleep, so the full report will have to wait until later, when my brain is back to a semi-functional state. In the meanwhile, here is a picture of me skullfucking a Jedi ape: