Category Reviews

She’s my radiation baby, my teenage fallout queen.

2 Comments read Movies, Reviews

I finally got a working copy of The Curious Dr. Humpp from Netflix yesterday. Bad horror movie meets Skinemax really only begins to describe it. It’s a 70’s exploitation film from Argentina about a doctor who has his in-house monster kidnap nymphomaniacs and bring them to his mansion/laboratory to perform experiments on them, extracting fluids from them which he drinks to keep from turning into a monster himself. Strangest movie of all time? It’s in the running, for sure.

If you ever wondered where Rob Zombie gets his movie samples from, I recognized quite a few in this movie, and I would imagine the rest come from the rest of the Something Weird video line. Most notably “Use my body to keep you alive!”, “The effect is disappating at least ten minutes faster now. I’m going to need stronger doses, more frequently”, “Nonetheless, humans are more sexual than animals, you know it!”, and “That’s all you think about. Me give you all the sex you want, oh PLEASE!”.

Also entertaining were the special features. What did I learn from a woman making love to a paper skeleton? I think the more appropriate question is, “What DIDN’T I learn?”

A Public Service Announcement

9 Comments read Masticating With Mellzah, Reviews

By now, so long as you don’t live in a hole or are not under the age of 21, you will have seen alcohol mixed with energy drinks in bars. Red bull + vodka or jaeger = a jittery buzz. In case you ever felt the urge to recreate this mixture at home, but go about it the lazy way by purchasing an item called ‘Liquid Charge’, PLEASE RECONSIDER. It is quite possibly the worst thing I’ve ever had in my mouth. And I’ve eaten stinky tofu AND squid on a stick.

I was so moved by this alcoholic abomination, I decided to write the company an email.

I recently purchased some of your Liquid Charge beverage at my local grocers. Imagine my surprise when I opened a can and discovered that it not only SMELLED bad, it also tasted like beer and red bull that had been vomited back up into a can. Shame on you for selling this. I had to commit a sin by throwing alcohol away. And I can’t use food stamps on booze. So now you’ve wasted seven dollars of my hard-earned money. This opinion is not only mine, it is shared by my best friend who said, and I quote, “This tastes like the shittiest shit that was ever shat out of a shitty butt.” Liquid Charge? The only thing I charged toward is the bathroom, to get it out of my body. You should call it ‘liquid death.’ You could use it to spread the plague. Or perhaps you could use it cure alcoholism, as not even hardcore alcoholics would find your drink even remotely palatable. I would like my seven dollars back. Please do not send me coupons because this will only anger me further. Sincerely Mellzah Dildarian

p.s. I’m not kidding.

The ‘shittiest shit that was ever shat out of a shitty butt’? I lied. That wasn’t Lesley. That was me. She, however, almost threw up at my kitchen table.

Do yourself a favor and never EVER buy this.

Wherein I leap from topic to topic like a 3 year old with ADD

2 Comments read Games, Reviews

I’m having a bit of difficulty kicking this cold..I’ve had it for a week now and it shows no signs of getting better–rather, I’ve had to take yesterday and today off of work because I felt like such utter ass. When I go into work tomorrow, I am going to force GC to let me sign up for insurance, because I think I need to go to a doctor. My cough is starting to sound like a death rattle, which is some exciting stuff!

I picked up a copy of ‘Sprung’ for the DS on the cheap, and played through it in one evening. Holy CRAP that game is terrible. Aside from one liners such as, “You keep flapping your gums and you’re gonna make the yeast in my anger loaf rise,” the game looks and plays exactly like an episode of Elimidate. Everybody hooks up with everybody else, the guys give each other high-fives about it, and the girls call each other fat whores. However, if this has ANY application in real life, apparently it’s not all that hard to get into girls’ pants. I don’t know what any of you guys are complaining about. It’s just a little ‘hey baby’, plus some ‘can I buy you a drink’, with a dash of ‘you look amazing’ for good measure. BOOM. You’re in for some hottub handjob action.

The grammar is pretty stellar, too.

 

My mom called me this morning and said she was looking at activities and things for us to do while I’m in Vegas, and I asked her if she could find out if Penn and Teller would be doing any shows while we were there. As luck would have it, they were (something like the 2nd day of my vacation is their last show for a month..). So I’m going to be seeing Penn & Teller at the Rio ($75 tickets nonwithstanding. Thanks, mom!) I’m getting excited about going to Vegas–even though I lived so close before, I still have never been there. I’m not a gambler, the only money I’m intending on putting in slots is the money that’ll get me my free drinks. Carrie and I also plan on going into Cheetah’s–apparently they don’t allow unaccompanied ladies inside the building. But how could we not go see the place where one of the most craptacular films of all time, ‘Showgirls’, was shot? Also, the quote I found absolutely slays me: “If you can’t find one you like here, you’re obviously not serious about topless entertainment. On most weekends Cheetah’s features 500 girls in a 24-hour period.”

YOU’RE NOT SERIOUS ENOUGH ABOUT TOPLESS ENTERTAINMENT! How DARE YOU???!?