Category Reviews

Lady who Peed in the Pool

So M. Night Shamawhosawhatsit’s new movie is coming out soon. All these new horror movies seem to follow a formula, and this guy is no exception. Craptacular acting (Bruce Willis is an optional, but surefire, way to make me hate it right off the bat) + weak writing + OMG WHAT A TWIST, NO REALLY, I AM VERY SURPRISED, REALLY YOU GUYS = summer horror movie.

I can’t imagine that this movie will be anything but awful. In fact, I predict that the ‘twist’ will be that horrible churning your stomach does when you realize you just wasted 10 bucks and a few hours of your life. What I REALLY want to know is: Who decided that a child whispering nursery rhymes was the ultimate in scary? I can’t walk by the TV without hearing “Who’s afraid…of the big bad wolf?” “This little piggy went to market…” “The wheels on the bus go round and round, round and round…” “99 bottles of beer on the wall….99 bottles of beer….if one of those bottles should happen to fall….” Broken glass and wasted booze. Now that’s scary, people.

I am going to make a movie called “Senseless Violence” and the protagonist is going to go around committing random atrocities whilst a group of merry children follows behind, chanting nursery rhymes. Then you’re going to find out it was all a dream…that a murderous, insane PURPLE turtle was having on another planet, right before he got tossed in the cookpot by a 4 year old whispering ‘ring around the rosy’. Fade to black. Most awesome movie, ever.

Hollywood, fund me! For the right amount of money, I could be convinced to call it “Wolves on a Submarine”.

We’re gonna need a bigger boat.

I’ll admit to being out of the loop when it comes to new games being released. Since I quit working at gamestop, I haven’t been keeping up with what is coming out, and when.

Imagine my surprise and delight to discover they are releasing a ‘Jaws’ game. Oh wait, they already DID release a Jaws game. For the NES. But now they’re doing it AGAIN. Only better! Just check out these stats!

* Players take control of Jaws the Great White Shark with themes and locations from the original JAWS universe.

Jaws has its own universe now? Also, to be nitpicky, I don’t believe the shark itself is named ‘Jaws’.

* More than 10 meticulously detailed, destructible environments, each with unique themes and intense action.

OMG 10? That might be too much INTENSE action for me, especially if there’s a wet & wild room. (and you know there will be.)

* Unleash real-time damage on intelligent enemies, vehicles and structures.

Since when are vehicles and structures considered to be intelligent?

* Perform a variety of stunning underwater, surface and air attacks via a user friendly combat system.

Ah, yes. I must be forgetting the part of the movie where Bruce the Shark learned to FLY.

* Dismemberment engine provides 25+ points of disconnection allowing for game characters and objects to be torn apart piece by piece.

I have no snarky remark for this. Oh, wait, I do! It must be based on the Jeffrey Dahmer Engine!

* Follow story based missions or choose to freely roam the island and its surroundings causing havoc.

‘So dig this, you guys. It’s like….it’s like GTA only you’re a SHARK, man.’

* Encounter multiple side missions/challenges including timed destruction, stealth, chase and others.

What sort of reward system would someone use for a shark?

* Face fearsome arena bosses including killer whales, powerful boats and more.

Apparently you will be facing these fearsome killer whales in a pool outside of a Hyatt somewhere. Tourists will watch in horror until your FLYING SHARK ATTACK starts dismembering them, as well!

orca eating

* See your victims before they know you’re coming and target lock on enemies from afar with Shark Vision.

Why oh why didn’t I ask for Shark Vision for my birthday? :sob:

This game is either going to be terrible or terribly awesome. I vote for multiplayer where you can tag-team giant orcas and or battle each other to the death. THAT would be awesome.

Taiwan Part Six: Double Ten Day

Although Taiwan was officially founded on January 1, 1912, the events on October 10, 1911 are considered to be the spark that brought down the Manchu dynasty and led to the establishment of the ROC. October 10 commemorates the Wuchang Uprising; the Chinese people were fed up with the Manchu court. When people in the Szechuan Province found out that their railway company–built by the Chinese, for the Chinese, with hard-earned Chinese money–had been sold to a foreign interests, they rioted. The government tried to suppress the rioters and restore order. However, an accidental bomb explosion on October 10 precipitated the revolt. Troops mutinied, and within a few days, 15 provinces had declared their independence from the ruling Manchus, causing their downfall. Traditionally, displays of nationalism are everywhere. Flags are hung. Parades put honor guards, dignitaries, celebrities and traditional dance and music on display. Spectacular fireworks light up the sky over the Tamsui River in Taipei. On 10-10-2000, I went with my host mother to Chiang Kai-Shek Memorial Hall to watch the performances. They also had a huge market set up with all manner of traditional Taiwanese crafts and foods. Aunt Tracy bought me a gorgeous silk fan, and I’m STILL trying to figure out how to hang it on the wall without damaging it.

 

double102 Drum Dance

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The ‘Waist-Drum Formation’ is also known as ‘Waist-Drum Planting Songs’, which originated from a dance of the inhabitants of the northern Shensi Province. It was intended to celebrate the yearly harvest and Chinese New Year. Afterwards, it became a rain dance due to the frequent droughts in the Huang-Tu plateau. ‘Jump-Drum Formation’ is a dance originating from soldiers and people celebrating victory after a war along the coastal provinces of China. Both dances are accompanied by percussion instruments (gongs and drums) in order to create an atmosphere of excitement.

God of the Wind Procession godofthewind

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In the past, processions have been in integral part of temple festivals and celebrations of Taiwan’s mainly agricultural society. With the advance of industry in Taiwan, the processions have become an important way to remember their cultural heritage. The Banchia Chao-Ho Association performed “Heavenly Generals and Northern-Style Music” which included six large effigy puppets: the four generals Hsiao, Chang, Liu, and Lian, along with ‘good eyesight’ and ‘good hearing’. The puppets led processions in an act called “Asking for General-Gods”. In addition to the procession, acrobatics and music are performed to help welcome the gods. These acrobatics include Chung-Chow stilts; said stilts originated in the Yellow Basin, where soldiers tied wooden sticks to their legs in order to walk through the marshes. According to legend, the Generals are in the service of the Gods, and their official duty is to expel ghosts and devils during the Gods’ inspection trip.

Hakka Songs and Dances hakka

The Taoyuan, Hsinchu and Miaoli counties are the main areas inhabited by Taiwan’s Hakka communities. A majority of Hakka communities spend their time growing tea trees in the mountains. During the (arguably boring) process of picking tea leaves, they created folk songs sung by two singers who respond to each other. In the song, they express their feelings regarding all matters in life (with the exception of perhaps their feelings about red staplers and gay marriage.)

Harvest Ceremony Celebration harvestceremony

The harvest ceremony is the most important celebration of the Ami tribe. During the slack season from July to August, Ami people hold a grand celebration to express their gratitude to the earth and their ancestors for the plentiful harvest of grain, rice, and bamboo shoots. Note the traditional costume, including the traditional electronic watch that has been passed down for generations by the ancestors.

Lanterns and Colored Hangings lanterns In traditional Chinese society, decorations of lanterns and colored hangings have been an inherent part of weddings and other celebrations. Red lanterns and red silk hangings symbolically create a joyful atmosphere. This dance was performed by the Lukang Art Troupe to symbolize the importance of said lanterns.

A Meeting of Lions from the North and South lions The lion dance tradition of the north and south of China are divided by the Yang-tze River. Magnificent mountains and hills spread out south of the river, and the southern lions are therefore magnificently decorated. The cold weather to the north of the river causes the northern lions to grow long manes, mostly vibrant reds and yellows. In “A Meeting of Lions from the North and South”, two groups of lion dancers demonstrate their virtuosity individually and then play and frolic with one another. The acrobatics performed while in these giant costumes, by what looked like mostly little kids were AMAZING.

Harmony eightimmortals The “Eight Immortals” Taiwanese opera and the “Handsome Monkey King Sun Wu-kong” Peking opera were combined into one performance for this celebration. The story premise is that the Immortals and the Monkey King are engaged in an argument on their way to Formosa to attend the Jade Emperor’s birthday celebration. The Jade Emperor sends his most revered grandmother and the Old Immortal of the South Pole to settle the dispute, turning the two sides from foe to friend. Awwww. I’d like an Old Immortal from the South Pole to accompany me and settle my road rage disputes. After the performances at Chiang Kai-Shek Memorial Hall were over, Aunt Tracy and I went back to her apartment, where we met up with Dave and watched the incredible fireworks show from their roof. I can only imagine what the celebration will be like when Taiwan is truly free.