An Open Letter to Funcom

May 23, 2008 24 Comments read Games, Reviews

Dear Funcom,

As the developer of the highly-anticipated Age of Conan, I feel that you should take a good look at the below screenshot:

In case you cannot read the text, it goes:

“I am Sancha, mistress of the Bearded Clam – the finest whorehouse in Tortage! Loveliest girls, strongest boys…Or have you come to ask me of the Hall of the Black Ones? I know where it lies on White Sands Isle. I was there once, with no less a personage than King Conan, and the memories still ravage my sleep.”

FIRE YOUR WRITERS NOW. Also, fire whomever had final dialogue approval. “I am Sancha”–oh cute, an Orgazmo reference. “The Bearded Clam”–oh tee hee, how subtle! “The memories still ravage my sleep”–THAT DOESN’T EVEN MAKE SENSE.

The only place you’ll read or hear asstacular dialogue like this is in a video game. Even PORN DIALOGUE is more realistic. No wonder people can’t take games seriously as art–when you write like horny, inexperienced fantasy dorks, it shows.

So please, get with the firing.

Love,

Mellzah

I don’t care who knows it.

May 23, 2008 31 Comments read Reviews, TV

‘Lost’ SUCKS.

THERE, I SAID IT.

Amy has been renting all of the past seasons from Netflix and I’ve watched it on and off, or I hear it in the background while I’m screwing around on Al Gore’s InterTrucks. I tried to give it a chance. I tried. But I hate it.

HAAAAAAAAAAAATE it. I thought the show was merely ok until they introduced ‘the others’, and then my indifference turned into flat-out, full bore, all-systems-go hate. Oh hi, we’re mysterious people on the island for mysterious purpose, and we have a shitton of supplies (that we don’t believe in sharing) and some sort of stupid hidden agenda because the writers needed some more spooky bad guys in case the (ooooooooo!) smoke monster and random horses and polar bears weren’t spooky enough. Also, a complete medical facility, and all manner of electronics that are powered by….? Hamsters?

Introducing more people from the plane as they’re needed? HATE. “Oh, hi, I just happen to be a science teacher at the exact moment you needed someone to tell you about science! My name is Deus. Deus Ex Machina!”

Everyone having sordid backgrounds? HATE. I know a lot of people. A LOT. And not one murderer. Weeeellll, ok, one. But only incidentally because my roommate was dating him. 40 people survive a plane crash and most all of them have killed someone, either on purpose or by accident? Seriously?

Why do people think this show is so brilliant? I just don’t get it. It seems to me like the writers have been careening around, fairly lost themselves.

THERE, I SAID IT.

What Is The Worst Thing You Got?

May 18, 2008 18 Comments read Reviews

I’ve been sifting through the music on my computer recently, listening to things I haven’t listened to in a long time, when I happened upon a gem of a song, something that is clearly, irrevocably, The Worst Thing I Got*. This is coming from someone who owns an Ed Wood box set. Who can glean moments of enjoyment from both House of the Dead and Manos: Hands of Fate. Believe me when I say this song tops all of those things.

I’m fairly certain I acquired this song through IRC, with the sender informing me that it was a GREAT song. I doubt I even listened to it once. Now, through a sense of duty to hilarity, I’m not certain it’s possible for me to delete it.

It starts with a man unironically reading perhaps the worst poem of all time, and then segueing into gutteral screams, followed by more awful poetry with vague racist undertones, some gothic gloom and doom and at that point, you still have not reached the very best part, as the very best part is where he starts passionately shouting color names. PURPLE!!!!!!!!!! BLUE!!!!!!!!!

I give you this, The Worst Thing I Got. Make certain to listen to it in a place where you will not feel compelled to restrain your laughter, as you will give yourself a hernia.

The Worst Thing I Got.

What’s The Worst Thing *You* Got?

*See: Achewood