My house looks like a goddamn werewolf!

August 17, 2010 25 Comments read Movies, Reviews

Saturday, I intended to hang around home and chill out since I was out late on Thursday and was so busy on Friday and I had plans for Sunday as well–plus, given that this week had been turned into a five day workweek due to a corporate inventory audit (AAAAAARGH) as opposed to my usual four, I knew I would need to relaxbe lazy as much as possible when I had the opportunity.

I spent the majority of the day falling asleep watching Babylon 5, and would likely have wasted the entire day in that manner had I not received a text message from a friend saying she was in the area and would I like to meet for dinner at the Indian place that is going to be the death of me? Yes. Yes, I would. I seriously don’t even care if I die with veins pumped full of tikka masala because it will have been worth it, damn it.

After stuffing my face with entirely too much food, we went to the nearby cheapy theater and saw “Get Him to the Greek”, which completely defied my expecations based on the trailer (“Oh, that looks painfully stupid.”) and was actually very funny and entertaining, which was extra surprising since I didn’t care for “Forgetting Sarah Marshall” at ALL. I also clued into the fact that my period is rapidly approaching, because I almost cried near the end, and really, the only time the imaginary problems of the attractive affect me that much is when my blood is chock full of hormones.

And chicken tikka.

P.S. How is it that Russell Brand is so utterly disgusting and yet so attractive at the same time? Like that thing about Tootsie Pops, the world may never know.

Oh! You have saved me! I love you!

August 10, 2010 21 Comments read Movies, Reviews

On Sunday, I went to see ‘Hausu’ at the Northwest Film Forum with Nicole. The description on the theater website read:

“Get ready to have your mind blown! This exceptionally wild and funny horror-fantasy is like nothing you’ve ever seen before—we guarantee it. A teenage girl brings six of her classmates along for a summer vacation at her grandmother’s country estate. What the girls don’t know is that grandma is a ghost and her house is haunted. They start to catch on when an evil housecat convinces a piano to eat one of the girls…and then it starts getting weird! Hausu is a truly absurd and thrilling rediscovery.”

At one point during the film, I leaned over to Nicole and said that I must have accidentally ingested acid at some point, because that’s the only way what I was seeing onscreen made sense. This movie has, in no particular order: dancing skeletons, magic cats, creepy aunts, a man made out of bananas, detached limbs performing kung-fu moves, a bottomless pit disguised as a girl, magic oceans of blood that peel off clothing, and a woman who exists almost entirely in slow-motion with floaty scarves. I didn’t expect it to be nearly as funny as it was, but now that I’m aware of its existence, it will have to be included in the lineup at some future Blood & Guts & Punch & Pie.

WXPFL: HOT LEAD

August 9, 2010 29 Comments read Live Shows, Reviews

On Thursday, Tobie and I attended the World Extreme Pencil Fighting Championships VI: Hot Lead at The Funhouse. Pencil fighting started in the schoolyards, but most experienced pencil fighters dropped the sport upon graduation. Only the truly dedicated went on to the Pro Leagues and risked all for the chance to call themselves champion. Many organizations and leagues formed, each claiming to be home to the real Pencil Fighting Champion…UPF…WCCPFC…WWPFW, but the true fan’s choice and gold standard for Pencil Fighting was always the WPFL. In 1995 longtime WPFL owner Silas Ticonderoga III sold the company to his oldest son Silas Ticonderoga IV, who took it to the “Extreme” and rechristened it WXPFL. This move angered and alienated longtime fans, but opened up pencil fighting to a whole new generation of young fans. These Extreme Pencil Fighters – now called “Gra-fighters” – are now touring the world and bringing the splintered wood and bloody knuckles of Pro Pencil Fighting straight to you! In these matches, Pro Gra-Fighters take on each other and some randomly-selected audience members for the highly-coveted Pencil Fighting Championship Trophy.

In pencil fighting, two challengers face off, each armed with a regulation wooden pencil taken from a factory-sealed pack. The only recognized regulation competition pencil is the Dixon/Ticonderoga #2 yellow – graphite core, cedar shaft, latex eraser with aluminum stay.

The pencil may not be sharpened or altered in any way prior to initial combat.

A Pink Pearl Eraser flip determines which fighter strikes first.

The loser of the eraser flip becomes the “Defender” and holds his or her pencil firmly with both hands in a horizontal position.

The winner of the eraser flip becomes the “Striker”, and then brings his pencil down in a vertical strike across the opponent’s pencil with full force, attempting to break it in two.

If the Defender’s pencil does not break from the Striker’s attempt, then it becomes the Defender’s turn to strike.

This repeats until one player’s pencil breaks in two and cannot continue.

If a pencil is cracked, but not fully broken in two, referee determines whether said pencil can continue.

The current WXPFL Champion “Balls Deep” Brian Chesbrough was suspended by WXPFL Officials for using a body-enhancing steroid OTHER than WXPFL Sponsor Buff Nuxx. So, WXPFL owner Silas Ticonderoga IV has vacated the title, and now the tournament was a direct shot at the championship…if the most dangerous pros in the business can be beaten!

There is a lot of crossover in this league from Seattle’s other extreme sport, SST: Ronald McFondle, Big Show, etc. There are even MORE theatrics in Extreme Pencil Fighting, however. The first competitors, the Asshole Brothers, came out to loud boos from the audience–they whipped out pencils from their too-tight pants, broke them, and flung them at the audience. I myself was struck in the vulnerable right boob with a shattered pencil from one of the Assholes. Real danger abounds around every corner in this club. I should consider myself lucky that I took a pencil to the chest as opposed to the lit incense that was chucked out into the crowd.

Two Assholes entered the ring, and only one Asshole left: the remaining Asshole was moved into the next bracket toward the championship. After the Asshole Brothers came Ronald McFondle, who has also taken up MCing in addition to flashing his balls at the audience. He performed a number about fisting his clown hos with the current Top Pot Donut Eating Champion, and then got down to the business of fighting with the first audience member: benzarius.

Somehow, Ben ended up with a crotch full of clown paint and a broken pencil.

The next match was the Yellow Dragon versus the Librarian, in which the Librarian was victorious.

Then came Big Show vs the next audience member, who dubbed himself the Annihilator, I believe.

The Annihilator…annihilated Bill Bates, and then it was time for one more audience volunteer to take on the Hundred Dollar Man.

That volunteer was me.

I stepped onto the stage, informed everyone that I was a dildo barbarian, carefully selected my pencil, which was then inspected by the judges, lost the eraser toss, and held out my pencil for the first strike. It was broken on the very first strike. The referee said he’s actually never seen that happen before, which are words that I am sadly getting used to hearing. It’s my family curse. “I’ve never seen that happen before!” Yeah, buddy? Stick around.

The Hundred Dollar Man eventually went on to win the championship, so I don’t feel as badly about my loss. The swag bag I got for participating helped ease that sting as well. Plus now I have two new classy shirts to wear should I ever have occasion to throw another White Trash Extravaganza.

All of the good photos are by someone other than me who I fully intend to credit when I find out their name. If it is you, please tell me and I will credit immediately, or remove your photos, whichever you would prefer. All of the shitty ones are me or someone with my phone.