When I arrived home late Wednesday night, there was a note in my mailbox stating that a package had been left in the office–the office which was already closed, and would remain closed for the next two days due to the holiday. It must be kind of sweet working as a complex manager, what with the banker’s hours and a bunch of extra days off a year that most people on the planet don’t get. “The office is closed due to Saint Swithin’s Day.” “The office is closed for the Feast of Maximum Occupancy.” “The office is closed because, frankly, it’s cold outside.”

However, this afforded me the opportunity to ride on the apartment manager’s nerves a bit more; I was waiting outside the door when she arrived on Saturday, and after I grabbed my package and skedaddled, she then got the pleasure of listening to no less than six answering machine messages from yours truly. “Hello? Um…I wanted to see if you were open today. I need my insulin.” “Um, hi, um, I guess the office is closed today or maybe you’re out showing an apartment, but I kind of really need my insulin…I guess I’ll try back later…” and so on and so forth.

I’m not on insulin, I’m just in the habit of making evil wenches feel guilty.

Instead of insulin, waiting for me was this package from crazyfaeriegirl!

I used to have a surprisingly similar voicemail greeting, but both my mother and grandmother were horrified by it. Damn relatives, ruining my fun!

A ROBOT!

Here he is, leading my robot army in Napoleonic fashion.

Thanks, Erica! You’ve helped make an evil woman feel guilty with your wonderful contribution to the cause.

Unfortunately, as the despotic robot ruler of these parts, I am going to have to decline membership in your club AND eventually I’ll have to destroy you.

That, or you could join me. I promise all meatbags submitting prior to the revolution fair and equitable treatment–those submitting later must either die or toil in my underground sugar caves.

The other day, keebler138 said she was sending me a shoebox that was sure to cheer me up–and it certainly did! The first part of the cheeriness came from getting the notice on the door and waiting until just before the office closed to go down and pick up the package, leaving Queen Bitch to stand and sigh and huff and puff with her arms crossed, while I carefully and slowly sorted through packages, with a soft and delicate touch usually reserved for those who are handling tiny bird eggs.

The package itself, however? JOY.

It took me some time to actually open the package, as the last time I encountered a tape job that thorough, it was when I wrapped a friend’s birthday package in strapping tape, duct tape, and three colors of electrical tape–eventually said friend had to resort to using a razor to cut through everything, as did I.

When I opened the box, there was a wonderful rendition of the US and our respective places in it, reminding me of how much it sucks that many of my awesome friends are far, far, far away. Also, I would like everyone to note that this drawing is to scale–I could theoretically stomp across the country in less than fifty steps, but have refrained thus far out of concern for the environmental catastrophe I would cause. The giant foot of Mellzah would crush the just and unjust alike, and that is unacceptable–I would much rather smite people who deserve to be smoten, using my own particular scale of 1-Asshole.

Naturally, I opened the envelope first.

I must say, I was very, very impressed with not only the selection of contents, but the reasoning behind it. Now, every single time my lips feel even the tiniest bit chapped, I will feel motivated to swipe on yet more chapstick–I could run into Johnny Depp at any moment, and wouldn’t THAT be a shame to have dry lips at a critical juncture?

Incidentally, Annie, did you know that ham plays a very important role in pirate adventures, or was it a supremely awesome guess? If you were not aware, ham is the most favored of all pirate foods. Pirates depend on ham; they must have ham. When they go on adventures they absolutely have to make sure they have enough to last the duration, plus extra to impress other pirates. Ham is the great equalizer, uniting Captain and crew in purpose and harmony. Whether it’s boiled or roasted or smoked (and there is contention among pirate crew members as the best way to prepare it, in terms of flavor and volume loss in preparation), ham is a force for good. The pirate captain himself has a special prize ham, glazed and bedecked with a ribbon, but that is neither here nor there. This must be some sort of dehydrated ham sandwich, as it requires washing before consumption. As it is specially prepared, I can’t taste-test it now or I risk not having special ham with which to impress other pirates. This is truly a valuable currency on the open seas, and a very thoughtful gift! Thank you!

I was also super-excited to see that the pirate cannon actually fires, and have already created battle scenes involving it as if I were a hyperactive five year old. The only thing keeping me from following the battles to a giant ‘king of the ring’ style showdown is that I cannot decide whether in a battle between a pirate with a cannon, a robot, and vampire hunter d, who would win. Throw Morrigan in the mix and I’m even more dumbfounded.

The pirate and cannon have already taken their rightful place in my pirate bathroom, near the bitching pirate hook sword that pandemoniachick sent me. Speaking of which, here’s a video that I meant to post in that entry–Cautionary Tales of Swords:

Swords will FUCKING KILL YOU. They could fucking SLICE A BABY IN HALF.