Chocolate Onions by Andrew Watson

What the hell, Philadelphia? What the hell? My gut did a flop just contemplating this photo of a real thing that’s sold in Chocolate by Mueller: chocolate covered onions. They’ve sold this ‘treat’ in their shop since the flipping 1980s, so either someone is buying them or these are 30+ year old onions languishing in their display window. I don’t know which would be worse.

Pros: Uh…chocolate is involved? Maybe it’s a sweet onion? It has sprinkles? I got nothin’.

Cons: Sweet baby jesus they didn’t even remove the papery skin, chocolate and onion together, there’s no way this is delicious

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Sometimes I think I should rename this column “Herr’s presents: Nom or Vom” just due to the sheer amount of times they’ve introduced something the thought of which makes my tastebuds give up the will to live. This time it’s Sweet ‘n Crunchy Cotton Candy Balls, a bright blue concoction that looks like they’ve spent some time putting the screws to a number of residents of Smurf Village.

Pros:  Crunchy is a pleasing texture, the ball is a tried and true snack delivery method, a way to get the cotton candy experience without needing to go to a fair

Cons: Blue is one of the least-appealing food colors, they’re sure to stain your tongue the color of shame, they’re corn snacks so they may taste like cotton candy with an undercurrent of corn which is somehow worse

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Here to wrap up this series of posts about New York is an east coast treat: Dr. Brown’s Cel-Ray soda. Celery flavored soda. I don’t know about you, but I think of celery as a sauce delivery vehicle, not a taste sensation by itself. Celery exists as an excuse to shovel ranch, french onion, and blue cheese dips into my mouth and the occasional bit of peanut butter with raisins. It’s the palate cleanser between wings, the bit of crudite that you use to feel good about eating your vegetables and getting fiber, the crunchy part you add to you chicken salad if you’re too cheap to buy pecans. Celery is made of  flavorless water and stringy bits: who said, “Yeah, let’s blend that shit up and carbonate it”? What’s next, essence of romaine and corn syrup?

Pros: You will probably be more hydrated than you were before drinking it, the can is pleasingly green colored, you’re just the addition of part of a packet of hidden valley ranch away from a much more interesting drink, could be good with gin (especially Hendricks) or maybe with a bloody mary if that’s your thing, it’s kosher, it’s been around forever so someone must like it

Cons: All the fiber has been stripped out, you may end up wishing celery had even less flavor after taking a sip, sugary vegetables

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