I like chocolate. I like cheese. I like triple chocolate cupcakes, and I like extra cheese on my pizza. Hell, I like a slice of cheddar cheese after eating a slice of apple pie–sometimes ON said pie. If it’s the artery-clogging, blood sugar raising, bastard lovechild of a passionate mating between Wilford Brimley and Paula Deen that took place in a hot tub of bubbling trans fat oil, give it to me now.

What I’m saying here is that I’m no stranger to the delicious marriage of salty and sweet when it’s consummated in my mouth. Even chocolate and cheese together in one place are not unknown to me: chocolate cheesecakes are awesome, and in Wisconsin, we have an amazing smooth cream cheese fudge that goes by the unappetizing nickname “Chudge”.

But I look at sharp white cheddar and dark chocolate swirled together in bar form and I shudder a little. However, my opinion on the matter is not the only one that counts. Am I wrong? Is this a taste sensation?

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Late to the bacon craze, Jack in the Box has nevertheless jumped in wholeheartedly, advocating that we marry bacon…or at least eat their blt burger and bacon milkshake. Wait, bacon what?

BACON MILKSHAKE. Creamy. Smoky. Surprisingly kosher AND vegetarian. But would you eat it?

Pros: It’s a way of cramming more bacon into your lunch, especially for those who cannot normally eat bacon. It meets or exceeds government-established daily ice cream recommendations. As it’s neither artifically colored nor scented, it would be a wicked funny prank to give it to someone who thought they were getting a vanilla shake.

Cons: Isn’t bacon kind of over? If it’s vegetarian, is it even technically bacon? There is every possibility that the combination of smoky and sweet might make you instantaneously heave up everything you’ve eaten for the last week.

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I’ve heard that red wine and chocolate compliment one another. I’ve heard of wines that have a chocolate note, and dessert wines. Chocovine has taken these things and applied the “if some is good, more is better” logic that has worked so well for purveyors of bacon and developed a chocolatey milky thick semi-wine-like substance. It’s chocolate milk, but for adults! It’s BoKu without Richard Lewis! It’s Yoo-hoo that burns! It’s the bacon of chocolate!

Pros: The color is the same as the chocolate river that Augustus Gloop nearly drowns in, and anything that brings to mind the idea of a naughty child in mortal peril brings a sparkle to my eye. Their website indicates that it is the “#1 selling chocolate wine in America” (incidentally, I have the number one comedy blog written by a Mellzah). If you were in the middle of a desert dying of thirst, this would probably stave that off for a little while, though the booze would dehydrate you a little further and might give you a wicked case of drymouth so, you know, weigh your options. The videos on the website are funny, in a “We’re trying much too hard to be hip” kind of way, especially with that jazzy sex and the city style music in the background.

Cons: Probably not classy to bring the equivalent of an adult milk box as a hostess gift. They really emphasize using this product in cocktails, which defeats the purpose of calling it wine: wine exists so you don’t have to think about stocking a billion different mixers before a party. Sweet booze is already a road to Headache City, and they want you to blend this already sweet booze into boozy sweet milkshakes? Better set up an appointment with the toilet, you’ll be getting to know it intimately after a few of those. Who has ever had a glass of chocolate milk and thought “You know what would make this better? Heartburn!”

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