Category Everything is Terrible

Hallo-weenie.

26 Comments read Everything is Terrible

Yesterday, I went to Target to pick out some items for my coworker’s daughter’s baby shower. I made certain to maintain a scowl the entire time I was in and around the infant department, so that the scenario that occurred the LAST time I purchased baby items would not be repeated. What happened last time, you ask? A small child pointed at me and screamed ‘LOOK MOMMY, SHE’S HAVING A BABY!!!’ No. No, I am NOT having a baby.

After grimacing my way through the infant section, I also went to great lengths to skirt around the maternity section, giving it a 1-department radius, so no women would give me a ‘knowing’ look. NOT PREGNANT, GODDAMNIT. My ‘glow’ is pure, shimmering hate.

Since I was already out and about, I had to check out all of their Halloween wares–shaped cookie-cutters, tchotchkes, and most important of all–dog costumes. The cuteness, I could hardly stand it. They had bee costumes, and dinosaur costumes, and little hoodies with a glow-in-dark skeleton print, and orange-and-black stripey sweaters…one of the best reasons to own a pet is being able to force it into humiliating holiday-themed costumes, which makes me about as fit a pet owner as Britney Spears was a mother; a government agent will be by my home shortly to take Napoleon away and give custody to one of my deadbeat ex-boyfriends. The only thing that kept me from purchasing a back-mounted dinosaur costume was the sure knowledge that my dog would maul me for my indiscretion.

However, I just couldn’t say no to this one:

frankie

napodog “Ooh, the embarrassment. SHE WILL PAY. Oh, how she will pay!”

arm

“WHO IS LAUGHING NOW?”

The costume was cute and all, but I’m not really certain it was worth the loss of my left arm. Why, oh why did I tempt the fates?

Time to move.

16 Comments read Everything is Terrible

Last night, I was working on embroidering a hat band for my Halloween costume while wearing some fuzzy flannel pajamas–the weather was particularly gross yesterday and flannel makes me feel warm and happy; now you all know where the whole grunge look came from and why it originated in Seattle. You’re welcome. In addition to the PJs, I was rocking out to some tunes on my ipod and wearing the top hat in question when Napoleon indicated that he had to go outside. Right now. So I threw on the closest shoes and rushed outside, dancing to the salsa blasting through my headphones and mouthing the words while Napoleon does his business…when I spot a neighbor smiling and waving at me while he gets out of his car. This isn’t someone I know, so I can safely assume it’s the equivalent of pointing and laughing. I must’ve looked quite the picture–flannel pjs with penguins printed all over them, cowboy boots, top hat, dancing like a damn fool, while attached to a dog in the process of marking his territory…

I’ve mocked my neighbors as white trash meth-smoking nascar-lovers, and yet somehow I’ve just turned into the insane one in the apartment complex.

I’m still cringing.

Ride the SLUT

29 Comments read Everything is Terrible

aka the South Lake Union Trolley.

Oh god this made my morning. I would totally wear a ‘Ride the Slut’ t-shirt. How did they not notice this before?

Maybe they could go back to calling that area ‘Cascade’ and then they could call it the Cascade United Northwest Transit System.

Oh, Seattle. I’m not mad. I’m just disappointed. And dying of laughter.