A couple of weeks ago, I picked up Batman R.I.P #678, even though I should know better than to start something in the middle of an arc by now. I read it, but absolutely nothing made sense; it was like somewhere along the way DC decided to parody itself and published the Cracked! magazine version of Batman. Equally nonsensical was this ad in the middle:

Oh yes, that will come in handy when I go to the dealer’s lot and buy myself a goddamned Batmobile. Why am I even considering test driving any other vehicle when Batmobiles are now available to the general public? Why wasn’t I informed that we could all buy Batmobiles? WHO DROPPED THE DAMN BALL ON THIS ONE?

None of this dampens my enthusiasm for The Dark Knight, which I *will* see in an IMAX theater just as soon as I can get tickets for a decent hour. I’d set up Fandango to send me an email when opening night Dark Knight IMAX tickets were available, and Fandango failed me. Subsequently, they can go shove their handpuppets into the darkest area of their bodies. If they film it and put it on youtube, they might win me back.

Still. BATMAN. BATMAN! BATMAN.

They should really be releasing this movie in porno theaters so I don’t have to worry about going to prison when I touch myself in public.

DundundundundundundundundundundundundundundundunBATMAN!

Comedy last night was sublime, the polar opposite of the last time I was there. The only exception was the headliner, a guy going by the name of ‘Rusty’ whose schtick was basically “Hey, I’m a big fat guy who thinks getting put in the drunk tank is awesome and I hate fat chicks because they’re like, all up in my shit.”

Swell, dude. You’re the whole package, the real deal. What kind of ass do you think you’re going to pull when you’ve got bosoms that put Pamela Anderson to shame? This just in: Angelina Jolie Ditching Brad Pitt For Biggest Loser On Earth As She Needs Help Nursing Her Newborns. Next time, why don’t you try telling some jokes instead of presuming anyone gives a shit about your Halo score? How the fuck is this guy a headliner when there were great comics like Heneghen present?

I just got this in the mail recently:

Let me tell you something. If I’m one of this nation’s most accomplished women, this country is fucked. This became especially clear when my cereal box informed me that I had not accomplished 18 key goals before I reached the age of 18:

Imagine that. 26 and already washed up!

I’m considering sending in my application and telling the Cambridge people I cured cancer in my sleep, but then forgot how I did it when I huffed paint. I’m also the 2005 International Basket-Weaving Champion, as well as a leading contender for the upcoming Miss America pageant.