Dear Starbucks,
Why does the dancing snowman on my drink cup have a schlong? No, seriously, why does he have a schlong? It’s really hard to capture with my cell phone camera, but he’s practically doing a “worship my boner” dance. AND I WANT TO KNOW WHY.
Sincerely,
Mellzah Dildarian
He wants to inject you with his hot “beverage”
That’s funny, because he was just whispering in my ear about doing that to you.
Not until I have enough money. I guess it’s Starbucks’ “beverage with leverage.”
PUT IT IN YOUR MOUTH AND SUCK IT DOWN
Yeah, baby: I got some “foam” for your “latte”
(quotes can make ANYTHING dirty)
I heard you like it “extra hot” and “sugar free” if you know what I mean.
Yeah, I’ll take a “grande”
Wait.
“Three pumps”.
hahahahahhaaha
*taps out
LOL nice
It’s really Jack Frost.
Thanks for reminding me of the snowman rape scene, I’d been hoping the brain cells hanging on to that one had died off. 😛
He’s just happy to see you.
Then why won’t he look me in the eyes!?
He’s too hypnotized by your glorious bosom. Also, he’s sort of a pig. I mean, he’s waving his wang at your after all.
Why not start with a handshake, snowman? Or a high-five? Did we have to go directly to boner?
Snow men know nothing of subtlety. You probably shouldn’t go to bed with him either. He knows nothing of foreplay. I’ve heard complaints about his cold demeanor too. Oh sure he’s all boners and caffeine when he wants you to put it in your mouth, but once it’s gone he’s hollow and cares nothing about your needs.
Frankly, I think it’s good you’re learning this now before you do something you’ll regret.
Cold demeanor? I’ve heard it’s borderline icy, and when you finally think he’s starting to warm up to you, he just disappears.
Not to mention his um… member just shrinks the more attention you pay it. I think he’s got performance anxiety.
…
Or so I’ve heard! I don’t know myself! Some girl told me!
There are a lot of contradictory rumors going on about the guy, I’ve also heard carolers going on about his magic thumpety-thump-thump.
Everybody has a group that tells tales about them.
I think the more important question is why you have a problem with worshipping red snowmen’s boners.
It’s an anthropologically important dance.
I get coffee because some mornings I’m not up to dealing with ANYTHING the world has to throw at me, up to and including snowman boner dances.
Better that than stumping, amirite?
I see it. I SEE IT! Finally, Starbucks goes Freudian.
It’s very symbolic of what they’re doing to you when you overpay for coffee.
Man, I wish I got boned every time I over paid for coffee.
Actually… my free coffee from loving boning boyfriend does the trick:)
99.99% of the time, other people in the office are paying for my coffee.
I should ask them if they’re getting boned.
Wait.
No.
When you ask, make sure you use the air quotes.
Are you getting “boned” when you get coffee?
Airquotes or not, I think that question would send me directly into a conference call with HR.
The real question is if you’re the lone special recipient of the snowman’s schlong or if he’s waving his tackle in everyone’s faces? 🙂
I went to check everyone else’s cups in the office, but they all had different designs, so I can’t be certain if every Starbucks snowman has a boner or not. :\
Hmmm, at least we know he’s Happy the Snowboner for you.
Gee, lucky me!
Seems like a perfect conversation starter. “Hey! I’ve got a boner on my cup. Do you have a boner?”
I am going to storm straight into Starbucks and start demanding to see people’s snowman boners.
Show me your snow boner! YOU! Let’s see what you’re packing!
I’m either going to be the most popular girl there or banned for life.
You’re cute, they’ll love you.
fuck yes. i’m getting some coffee.
Watch out for the icicle!
I’ll never think of a double shot espresso quite the same way again.
I, for one, am a little concerned about the source of the cream for my americano.
And just how do you think baby snowmen are made?
They want to make sure the caffeine is really working.