Since I was denied entry to the caucus on Saturday by a snotty old man who told me I’d get another chance ‘in four years’, out of spite I have decided to run for benevolent dictator. Vote for me, and I will rule you gently with my iron fist!
Platform:
*Insurance companies will be summarily firebombed. The jillions they have in the bank will be seized and used to rebuild the areas ravaged by Hurricane Katrina and some swanky new levees. If there’s any money left over, use it to get socialized health care rolling.
*You heard me. Socialized health care. If Canada can do it, goddamnit, so can we.
*Abortions for some! No abortions for others! Miniature American flags for all!
*Reinstate corporal punishment in schools. If bullies got the shit kicked out of them regularly, and knew their teachers were packing stun guns, they’d think twice about driving angry loner children to the point of hit lists.
*Minor drug offenders will be set free. Violent offenders, however, will all be shipped to Utah for a ‘last man standing’ gladiatorial match. Weapons will be dropped inside at random–a sock full of pennies, a sharpened broom handle, and giant sporks. This will be televised on pay-per-view.
*Opposing politicians? Sorry guys. You’re all going to be shot. Goes for the House and the Senate, too. You’re useless, and the money we were paying you is better spent elsewhere. Except Russ Feingold. You’re cool, you can stay.
*The war? Done. Fuck that shizz in the EYE. The Sunnis and the Shiites want to blow each other to kingdom come? Have a blast, guys. Here, have a giant spork.
*Paris Ho-lton, Lindsay Ho-han, and Slutney Spears (and potentially more) will be shot on a rocket to Mars. For science. Riiiight.
*True freedom of religion (and non-religion!) and absolute separation of church and state. You can worship any invisible man/blue man/ blue man group you want, but don’t you dare tell anyone else what they should and should not be doing.
*Scientologists will be free (read: forced) into another rocket ship to go battle Xenu. Let me know how that shit goes.
*Illegal immigrants will be granted amnesty. Have YOU ever picked blueberries? Awful, awful work. But I’d still like blueberries on my cereal, so, y’know, amnesty.
*Cuba? Sanctions lifted, y’all. Quality cigars should be plentiful and cheap.
*Drunk drivers will have to walk home naked from the point where they are pulled over. Second time, with a matchstick squeezed in between their butt cheeks. Third time? You’re GOIN’ TO UTAH, BABY!
Doesn’t my mustache make me look like a natural born leader/dictator? I sure think so!
“You heard me. Socialized health care. If Canada can do it, goddamnit, so can we.”
Reasons to not use Canada an example of what to do: Poutine. Quebec. Celine Dion.
I’ve not had Poutine but it honestly sounds heart-attackingly delicious.
Quebec? Not really a problem. If they want to splinter off and speak French and be snotty, let them. Less jackholes everywhere else!
WTF do you think all of the rocket ships are for if not ilk like Celine Dion?
I’ve had poutine in Memphis and Toronto. By all accounts, the stuff in Memphis was much more authentic than the stuff in Toronto; apparently I should have looked further afield than the stand at the base of the CN Tower. Both were indeed delicious.
See, Rob? SEE? Canada’s new motto: Not So Bad, All Things Considered.
I do not see. Ends do not justify means and NOTHING justifies mushy freedom fries.
Freedom fries? Get out of my country.
Um, as far as i’m concerned, the presence of the fries barely justifies there not being more cheese curds and gravy.
This is by far the most cogent objection to poutine that I have heard, or could imagine.
This implies to me that Tim Horton’s could profitably sell hot gravy and cheese curds in a cup. They could call it ooooh-tine.
Don’t forget the bottom layer of cake donuts! (Tim’s donuts are dry enough to practically REQUIRE gravy.)
POUTINE IS AN EXAMPLE OF CANADIAN SUPREMACY.
Thankfully, that, its health care, and the Hart family are the only three. Well, NoMeansNo, too. The only four.
There’s at least five.
Don’t forget Coffee Crisp!
ALL HAIL HYPNOSTACHE
With a moustache like that, how could I say no?
Re: ALL HAIL HYPNOSTACHE
YES. I will be making all sorts of campaign posters shortly (nicer than this MS paint crapfest made at work) and they will ALL prominently feature the mustache!
Re: ALL HAIL HYPNOSTACHE
Will these include a monocle, too?
Re: ALL HAIL HYPNOSTACHE
I’m trying to avoid the ‘monopoly guy’ look, but will see if I can work one in! (Step one: Acquire monocle.)
Re: ALL HAIL HYPNOSTACHE
You could make it shoot out lasers!
Re: ALL HAIL HYPNOSTACHE
I’m saving lasers for my ROBOT LEADER poster.
Now there’s a campaign I can get behind.
cheers,
Phil
America! Dictated by Mellzah–FUCK YEAH!
that is one sexy ‘stache! Even if I didn’t agree with your platform, I would vote for that facial hair.
Thank you! Mustache rides are typically ten cents, but for you, my dear, FREE.
There was a rumor afloat that the Hillary supporters were going to try and force the caucuses to start early because the Obama supporters tend to be younger and “would be too partied out to make it in time”. Not to say that’s what happened there nor that it worked out to well for her. They were still letting people in at our caucus past 1:31 though… so it sounds that old fart was just a particular dick. Then again at our caucus… and not saying the two tables for my district were the norm, but our district was 18-2 for Obama.
The new rumor going about is that Hillary’s camp is trying to get voters to vote for her in the inconsequential primary in the hopes that she can a) claim a win for once and b) continue her complaining that caucuses give too much power to party insiders. Yes that’s right, the candidate that’s relying on superdelegates is complaining about party insiders.
Good to know that democracy is for everyone and not just the ones who are’t too ‘partied out’. Y’know, or the poor who have to work on caucus day.
Whether you vote for Clin-TON or Kodos, it’s all the same: If she wins the nomination, Mccain will win the presidency. No one will turn Republicans out in droves more than Hillary.
Superdelegates, frankly, scare the hell out of me. Just like the electoral college. They’re both completely and utterly WRONG and have no place in our election system.
Indeed. The level of nonsense is just ludicrous. Someone needs to call Shenanigans.
I still can’t believe that no two news agencies agree on how many delegates the candidates currently have. That alone makes me want to scream “Shenanigans!”
This is where I get my delegate counts, because they’re nice enough to specifically separate normal delegates from superdelegates.
Superdelegates have no proper place in our election system, but they’re a logical consequence of the sort of party setup we’ve got. It naturally follows that our party setup has no proper place in our election system. I mean, honestly? Spending hundreds of millions of dollars to decide who is allowed to run for President?
I’m still a fan of the electoral college, because it’s one of the last reminders we’ve got that the federal government is supposed to be about how the states relate to each other and to other governments, and have hardly any bearing on the daily activities of individuals. If that structure were working properly, the fact that it’s really the states (and not the people of the states) voting for President would be sensible.
Stupid HTML.
Thanks, I think that may be the better site.
I furthermore think it’s interesting that on the Republican side, they stopped counting and declared it for Mccain (in our state, that is). 13,000 ballots was apparently too much for them to handle.
Did you hear that ‘Super-thanks-for-asking’ delegate Cantwell has declared she’s voting for Hillary, regardless of what the people want?
I’m sure Murray will follow. Cantwell is evil and political, Murray is well meaning but idiotic and easily manipulated.
Oh, Murray, too. Classy bunch!
After seeing this McCain Video I was swayed to his side. Now that I’ve read your position I think you’re the better candidate. Apparently I like whichever candidate I’ve heard speak most recently. Maybe that’s why I haven’t swayed to Clinton; I haven’t heard her speechify yet.
The politics of DOOM.
You can listen to others speechify all you’d like, I am confident that in time, you will return to me and my awesome policies.
Re: The politics of DOOM.
You do have the most awesome icon of any of the candidates.
Mellzah for the win.
I and my mustache thank you kindly!
mmmmmmmmustaches.
With a stache this rad, the truth is gonna slip.
With a lip this fat, I can tickle ALL the bits.
1 vote for the ‘stache here… but what, no hitler ‘stache? Clearly that’s the more dictator-ly facial hair…
Yes, but no one will vote for a hitler ‘stache.
That part comes after I’ve taken power. 😀
*True freedom of religion (and non-religion!) and absolute separation of church and state. You can worship any invisible man/blue man/ blue man group you want, but don’t you dare tell anyone else what they should and should not be doing.
*Scientologists will be free (read: forced) into another rocket ship to go battle Xenu. Let me know how that shit goes.
those two contradict eachother, shouldn’t the scientologists be free to worship whatever alien overlord they wish?
also, socialized healthcare is a joke mostly. I don’t trust the government pave roads, why should I trust them to replace hips. Do you really want your healthcare run by politicians? Better: A federal standard in healthcare that is required of all insurance companies. Some sort of mandate that disallows them from gouging people and refusing valid claims on technicalities.
I thought it was funnier with the two next to one another.
Once they defeat xenu, they’re welcome to come back.
Also, HELLO, I will be the only politician. Actual smart people will be running the hospitals.
ALSO, scientology is not a religion. It was a fairy tale written by a science fiction author to win a bet. When someone openly admits his ‘religion’ is made up, I’m allowed to openly make fun of the believers.
What? Why Canadian health care? What did we do to deserve that? Just give that to the $cientologists and insurance executives.
BTW, what did you think of those pirate toys?
See, I didn’t mean that we’d do things like Canada, only to spark that sort of strange patriotism/competitive nature that seems to come up whenever anyone mentions Canada. I’m surpised $cientologists have any money left over for healthcare, honestly. I thought they put all of theirs in a dump truck to toss down L. Ron Hubbard’s grave.
The pirate toys were awesome! Best series of text messages ever.
DON’T TALK SHIT ON MY CANADA!!!
LOL
ps ElRon isn’t dead. They don’t even need health care. They just electrocute Thetans with faulty e-meters.
pps I got you the smallest set. It was $2.99. The others were $7.99, $9.99 and $19.99
ZOMG I AM NOT TALKING SHIT ABOUT CANADA! I expect they’ll be trustworthy allies when I take the throne.
ps I don’t know why I thought he was dead! However, to keep propogating it while he’s still alive and not admitting “Hey, whoa, this has gone too far people, I mean GODDAMN” is EVIL.
pps Sweet! Thank you!
Can I be Minister of Schoolgirls? Or Chairman for the Committee on Pole-Dancing? Or BOTH? >:-)
Done and done!
Ok, I’m in.
Do not be fooled! Don’t vote for mellzah! She only ushers in our destruction!!
Quiet you, or I’ll call in a strike team!
wait, huh, what? how were you denied entry?
Got there at 1:31, they shut the doors in my face.
I will vote for you, but you knew that already.
I do have an issue, though: I have already begun to shape myself to be your right hand… my cybernetic implant schedule is progressing nicely and I should have another new part within a month… and here I see you offering the position of #2 to somebody else? Is this going to be a cage-match kind of fight for dominance? Is it to the death? To the pain?
This is an important piece of information because I have to let them know whether to install the eye-melty lazers, the mancatcher net launcher, or gyrojet missiles.
Here’s the thing. I’m number 1, and there can only BE one number 1. However, I plan on having MULTIPLE number 2s, each of you specializing in different areas, equal to one another yet equally below me. This will protect me from being usurped as there’s no clear successor, and when I do shuffle off this mortal coil, you’ll have to have some sort of violent bloodbath, where the process starts over. Sound good?
You are totally going to be my write-in candidate.
FUCK YEAH!