This weekend, I received a notice on my door from the apartment manager, stating that patios are to be kept clean of all items other than plants and patio furniture, and that any other clutter in this area was a violation of my lease agreement. The specific item on my patio that needed to be removed was listed as a “cone”.
…I was deeply confused, as I keep nothing on my patio. There was a branch that had fallen from a tree onto my patio, but that hardly qualified as conical. What else was out there? A traffic cone? A cone of shame? A giant ice cream cone?
I couldn’t help but be lured outside by the prospect of a giant ice cream cone, much in the same way that the song “Turkey in the Straw” can send me furiously prospecting for change in my pockets while running out into the street.
There was no cone to be found, not on my patio, not on my neighbors’–though all of theirs were positively LOADED with crap. Mattresses and garbage and broken kids’ toys and all manner of miscellania that were neither plants nor patio furniture, because I do indeed live in a classy apartment complex.
Not only was the mysterious cone missing, but also mysteriously vanished was a huge chunk of land directly behind my patio.
Dirt used to go right up to the fence, now there is a three foot mini-cliff which indicates to me that I ought not play with the dog back there anymore as he is not smart enough to avoid such a gargantuan hole.
I wonder if this means that one day my apartment building itself will slide down the hill onto the highway below, and if so, does my insurance cover it?
Before you know it, the entire complex is going to start sinking and you can charge money for people to behold your neighbors.
It’s the business opportunity for which I’ve always wished! “Come see the slanty shanty! Witness the terrible creatures inside, like Cueball–the man with no hair!!”
I think I have reached the step to Enlightenment where I am able to find a Simpsons quote or picture to apply to almost anything.
If not Simpsons, I can typically fill the gap with a quote from Reno 911.
I recently befriended someone who dressed as Lt. Dangle for Halloween.
Nice! Shorts and all?
Yep.
Also apparently the cone got lodged up his ass.
Maybe the cone was on top of the missing dirt. Maybe aliens came and took both away. Have you actually seen your apartment manager? Because they might be gone now, too.
I haven’t seen her recently but I did speak to her on the phone yesterday, if that counts.
Nah, that signal could have come from space pretty easily. I’m thinking you have a classic cone/apartment manager/dirt abduction going on here.
But that’s the trifecta, right? I don’t need to worry about being abducted myself?
No no, but I would lock up any cows or cow-products you might have. Just in case.
Luckily, I have a dairy & beef safe for just such a purpose!
Who doesn’t?
did you call the dick head to tell him that you found no cone–after seeing the cliff, I’m thinking there might have been a orange cone that slid down the cliff. geesh! I hate renting! ugh! of course, I’ve learned that owning isn’t always better
Yup! I called yesterday and said “Uh, I received this notice for a cone on my patio, but I’m really confused as I don’t keep anything back there…” and she laughed and said she had probably written down the wrong apartment and that I should just throw the notice away. I then took the opportunity to tell her about the cliff that was forming directly behind my patio, so we’ll see what they do about that.
at this point I’d rather they write it down that they gave me the notice for the wrong apartment than trust whoever answered the phone that it’s ok to just toss the notice.
Yeah, that’s a good idea, I haven’t tossed it yet and I should probably keep a record of these things.
owning is just renting but you bitch about yourself instead of a landlord.
true but since we built, we bitch about the builder 😀
All too true.
I once had a xmas cone – a traffic cone decorated with holiday lights. Maybe you should do the same – and display it proudly on the patio. 😛
Something THAT festive needs to go on the front porch.
dog cones should be equally festive.
If we can have bugs that evolve to look like people, we can have bugs that evolve to look like cones…
Clearly, it burrowed its way under your fence and waited on your patio…
And then it got tired of waiting, and went back into the woods…
Damn that Coney Pete!
APARTMENT PANGEA!
NEW CONTINENTS ARE COMING, CAN YOU FEEL IT!?
They sound a bit dysfunctional at the office. You might want to drop them a maintenance form about the new cliff, just so you can prove you told them 🙁
If they know about the issue and the building is red-tagged by the city or county they have to pay you relocation $$ 😉
I let them know about the cliff and they’ve done some sort of emergency maintenance involving rolls of sand. I sincerely hope I don’t have to move, that would be a nightmare.
Your landlords are idiot asshats..
But you already knew that.
Thank you for the card 🙂
Thank YOU for the card! Yours is proudly displayed on my mantle.
Maybe the cone dug the hole?
Perhaps that is the reason for their conephobia
That would have to be a truly monstrous cone!