Why’d they build this ghost town so far away?

April 17, 2014 Comments Off read Attractions, Colorado, Mountain, Travel, USA, West

When I saw the brochure for “Ghost Town Wild West Museum” near Colorado Springs, I was under the impression that it was actually a ghost town with a wild west museum inside, something along the lines of Cripple Creek, only with something to do there other than gamble and be depressed. Now, the thought crossed my mind that it was awfully close to a major-ish city to be a ghost town, but my pressed penny-loving lizard brain pushed that thought away. When we pulled into the parking lot and saw one building, I knew I was right to be suspicious.

The Ghost Town Wild West Museum is essentially a small-scale wild west town built inside of a warehouse. This isn’t to say it’s bad, it’s just not an actual ghost town, no matter how many times it says “authentic” in the brochure. It reminded me a lot of “The Streets of Yesterday” in The House on the Rock, but on a much lesser scale. After we paid our entry fee, I asked the employee if they had a pressed penny machine. She looked at me as though I had just sprouted a second head and said snottily, “We don’t have anything like that here.” I felt embarrassed until I walked in and saw that HALF THE DAMN PLACE WAS COIN-OPERATED.

All of these machines, the shooting gallery, EVERYTHING cost extra and was coin-operated, but no, I could see how they’d be above something like a pressed penny machine. What bothers me is that they don’t have the decency to tell you outside that you need another ten dollars in quarters to see the attractions inside. House on the Rock also had a mess of coin-operated items, but they tell you in advance that you’ll need tokens and they even give you a handful. The Ghost Town Wild West Museum doesn’t even have an ATM if you wanted to withdraw cash to do these things, and then they have the audacity to have an animatronic prisoner who begs you for money to (I am not making this up) buy a gun.

So on this “authentic” sign, we learn that old-timey miners used backwards letters to evoke a sense of false whimsy, like the ‘r’ in Toys ‘r’ Us.

Also note the old-timey, authentic christmas lights.

Old timey authentic ghost town or hipster’s living room? YOU DECIDE.

I told Jason to rob the bank, and with each progressive photo, I told him to make a meaner face. Meaner. MEANER! MEANER!

This animatronic guy claimed to have a cure for everything except baldness in men and “the gossip habit” in women. Fuck you, old timey asswad.

Please tell me this is the etymology of the phrase “horse pills”: human and horse-shared medicine.

If you get the used soap, just consider that you’re getting pubes thrown in FOR FREE.

Old timey town or a hipster’s living room? YOU DECIDE.

This little girl is going to learn an important lesson about co-pays and deductibles, because this old timey doctor doesn’t work for free.

I am going to install a skinny mirror in my house and use it exclusively. I’d better eat ice cream for breakfast again, I just can’t seem to gain weight!

I really like Chester A. Arthur’s taste in bedroom sets, but his taste in quilts was apparently ghastly.

For an additional fee (surprise!), you can have your name printed into an old-timey newspaper. I decided they’d gotten enough out of me already and that a little photo editing would suit me just as well.

Garden of the Gods

April 16, 2014 1 Comment read Attractions, Colorado, Mountain, The Great Outdoors, Travel, USA, West

As I drove into Manitou Springs, the change in landscape was so astounding that I could have been convinced I was driving on Mars. Red, bulbous cliffs suddenly rise up and tower over the road, with fingers of silvery brush clinging to them. While you can see this landscape anywhere in the Manitou Springs area, the best place to be awed by nature is in the (free!) city park, Garden of the Gods. Its 1300 acres contain an abundance of plant and animal life, as well as a number of enormous sandstone rock formations, many of which are over 300 million years old! The Garden of the Gods was originally purchased by Charles Perkins in 1879, and upon his death, it was gifted to the city of Colorado Springs to be used as a park, with the stipulation that it remain free for all visitors. Sadly, their Segway tours are summer-only, so this won’t turn into a story of me careening off a cliff…this time. Near the entrance to the park is Balanced Rock, which shares a name with another, more famous balanced rock in Utah. I can only hope that one day these two rocks will have a balance-off, so as to determine which is the balancingest so they can change their names to “Most Balanced Rock” and “Not Quite As Balanced As the Most Balanced Rock,” respectively. The important thing is that it makes for a fine photo opportunity.

Only a couple of these photos accurately reflect the sandstone’s redness; my camera basically looked at these walls of red and said “No, ma’am!” so you’ll have to take my word for it. It probably didn’t help that we were there on an overcast day that was threatening to snow–I bet the colors are even more dazzling in bright sunshine.

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Biker Jim’s Gourmet Dogs

April 15, 2014 Comments Off read Attractions, Colorado, Masticating With Mellzah, Mountain, Travel, USA, West

If you tell me a restaurant has a variety of exotic meat, I’ll make it a priority to eat there, and my visit to Denver was no exception, as I planned a meal at Biker Jim’s Gourmet Dogs.

Biker Jim’s started as a street cart and eventually expanded into a restaurant, and frankly (ahem), I can see why. They’ve got a number of exotic meat sausages on the menu as well as a standard beef dog, and I think the only miss is the duck cilantro if only because I wouldn’t cry if all cilantro was eradicated from the face of the Earth. Die, devil weed! But I will never say no to a fried pickle, so they have that going for them as well.

I decided on a reindeer sausage topped with “the conspiracy”: stilton bleu cheese, bacon red onion marmalade, lemon aioli, and french fried onions. Yes, I flew to Denver to get something shipped from Alaska. Shut up. Jason decided on the Jack-a-lope topped with cream cheese squeezed out from a caulking gun and coca-cola soaked caramelized onions. I took bites of both and they were excellent. The Jack-a-lope was sweet and spicy while being comforting and familiar. The reindeer had a more adventurous flavor profile with the slight gaminess of the sausage, the richness of the stilton bleu being cut by the slight tart of the lemon aioli, with the crunch of the onions adding an excellent texture and the sweetness of the marmalade lingering on the palate. If I didn’t have to save room for another exotic meat adventure later, I would have liked to have tried more. Should I find myself in the Denver area again, I’d definitely go back.