To be perfectly honest, I don’t even remember know how this disgusting idea came to be. One moment, I was chatting with The Harpies, and the next, I was trying to figure out why no one else had ever tried to market an at-home period suction device that looks remarkably like a turkey baster–the room went silent, I looked up, and everyone had the most horrified looks on their faces, like I’d just suggested we create and sell a photographic version of “The Kama Sutra” with posed taxidermied animals wearing jaunty hats: I knew I had a winner.

I give you The Goddess Juicer. Why wait for nature to take its course, when you can ease its passage and take control of your womanly destiny with a sparkling, rose-scented squeeze bulb?