Nom or Vom: Well…it IS a vegetable

April 13, 2012 5 Comments read Nom or Vom

Today on Nom or Vom, we bring you a pizza currently being offered by Pizza Hut in the UK, decidedly upping the pizza ante: pizza with hot dogs in the crust. No, the Brits cannot be satisfied with mere cheese in their crust–they need encased meat! To make the meld between pizza and hot dog a bit more smooth, they have thoughtfully added a free mustard drizzle and advertised it as such, as though the drizzle itself were a selling point.

Well, maybe it is.

Pros: Even more meat for a meat lover’s pizza, free mustard drizzle, you’ll probably get to eat the whole thing even if you order it for a party Cons: Yes, it’s extra meat, but said extra meat is hot dogs, perhaps these two worlds were never meant to meet, now the US is going to have to sell something even more outrageous in this ever-escalating food war.

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Now hit me (hit me) hit me with those laser beams!

April 3, 2012 4 Comments read Everything is Terrible, Reviews

I come from a long line of extremely hairy women. Not Lady Godiva-style, either. No, I’m talking mustaches and unibrows and veritable shrubs of hair growing everywhere other than from the tops of our heads–the first and only time that look has ever worked for any member of my family was a brief period in the 1970s, and sadly I was not around to enjoy it. In the mornings, it’s like Helena Bonham Carter is trying to push her head out from under my arms, and if I let it go for a day or two, Tim Burton joins her. If I lop it off in the morning, I actually get a five o’clock armpit shadow.

So when I got an email from Groupon last May saying that not only were we now living in an incredible and hairless future world created by lasers but that I could be part of this world at a steep discount, I leaped all over it. I was so enthusiastic about my smooth and hair-free underarm future that I actually took a before picture to share with all of you: I’m a giver.

Before I could be zapped by any frickin’ laser beams, I needed to have a consultation with their doctor. He explained to me how the process worked, and in what felt like an eerie callback to Bridalplasty, he told me that I have the perfect skin…for laser hair removal. Basically, my pasty, translucent fishbelly skin makes it easy for the laser to “see” my dark, coarse hairs and zap them. The light of the laser is absorbed by the pigment in the hair, which should retard future growth. Hair grows in cycles, so it takes multiple treatments to completely eradicate the hair. I was given three rules to follow over the course of my laser treatments: don’t tan, shave the area immediately before the laser treatment, and don’t apply any lotions/creams/deodorants to the treatment area on the day of treatment so that nothing impedes the laser. I followed these rules to the letter because I wanted the treatments to be effective, but also because I am a nerd who doesn’t know how to go about breaking rules.

I didn’t experience much pain during my treatments, more of an unusual armpit-based tingling. Some people experience a mild soreness afterward that feels like a slight sunburn; I did not.

I also did not experience any hair loss whatsoever. I have as much ratty teenage goth under my pits as I ever had, the only difference is that my wallet is lighter, 7 treatments in. I haven’t even experienced any hair shedding which is supposed to happen as the remainder of the zapped hair is pushed out of the skin. Each time I’ve visited the office, a different person has performed the treatment, and each time they’ve had a different explanation as to why it hasn’t been working on me:

*That I was on birth control *That I went off birth control *That my hair might be finer textured now than when we started *That they haven’t had the machine turned up high enough *Outright incompetence was hinted at but no one ever came out and said it

On the seventh visit, they switched me to their “most powerful machine” and turned it “all the way up” and they have comped me one more free treatment, scheduled three days from today, but at this point I feel it is safe to say that it simply did not work on me. Or that you get what you pay for, as upon doing further research on the company, it seems that the business is not BBB accredited (it is in fact rated an F), and the owner of said med spa had previously operated a med spa in Texas which underwent investigation by the state for not training their employees, for using lasers that didn’t work, for treating people with expired Botox and more.

As I can’t afford (or won’t pay for, which amounts to the same thing) full price laser treatments from a reputable company, Helena Bonham Armpit lives on. On the positive side of things, maybe I’ll be able to get her some work as a stunt double in the next Burton film.

Well…uh, that’s…interesting.

April 2, 2012 8 Comments read Everything is Terrible

This Easter, I get to prepare a holiday meal: something I have not done for approximately eight years, as I normally mooch off of other people’s hard work. I don’t give a rip about the reason for the holiday; to me, it’s Thanksgiving with fewer root vegetables and a more moist main course. All the same, I want to do it up right. Cute, delicious, and seasonally appropriate. So, looking for inspiration, I turned to everyone’s favorite internet aggregator, Pinterest, and what I found there horrified me.

Here’s the top five nightmarish things I found for my Easter table.

5. Resurrection Rolls

Now, to be fair, the rolls themselves don’t look bad. I’m more disturbed at what this recipe tells us about Jesus: namely, that he was the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man who was betrayed by four disciples when they crossed the streams of cinnamon and sugar, and this recipe has you recreate said betrayal. If you listen closely to the oven door, I’m sure you hear a high pitched whisper “My Kraft, my Kraft, why have you forsaken me?”

You know, I could have gotten behind the idea of Communion a bit more if it involved smores instead of that papery wafer that leaves a coat of film on your tongue that only bad wine can burn away.

4. It’s Lamb Chop’s Play Along!

I guess if you’re going to make a cake shaped like an animal, the least you can do is make it look like you’re carving meat when you cut a slice. It’s even better if you wear a Hannibal Lecter mask while carving it and muttering “Well hello Clarice…good to see you again.” I think the only question remaining is whether to serve it with a raspberry sauce or mint frosting.

3. The Tale of Peter Rabbit

Well, now we know what Mr. McGregor has in mind for when he finally captures Flopsy, Mopsy, and Cottontail: he’s getting his vegetables back directly from their viscera.

2. Chick Murder Eggs

All of your guests will want to eat eggs that look like there are partially stillborn deformed chicks inside! It’s like visiting a country that serves Balut minus the sex tourism! Who wouldn’t want to eat their sad little bulbous faces and put them out of their misery?

1.J-E-L-L-OH MY GOD.

There’s always room for Jello! Especially when encased inside its shimmering, wiggling exterior are the components of a balanced meal: ham chunks, corn, peas, greens, and red pepper. It’s like head cheese that follows US nutritional guidelines–I only hope there’s also a gelatinous mold with suspended Jesus particles for dessert.