“I know you have a fucked-up idea of animal husbandry!”

November 16, 2009 8 Comments read Movies, Reviews

On Friday, I had some of my favorite people in the world over for Blood & Guts & Punch & Pie III: Victor Bloodenstein’s Revenge. For the third and final installment this year, I selected ‘Black Sheep’, which I’ve seen before (the horror genre is overrun with so much garbage that it’s important to pick at least ONE thing you know is genuinely entertaining). Then I realized–I’ve thrown several (two this year and one the year before) Friday the 13th parties already and had not yet shown a Friday the 13th movie. Sure, we COULD go for the original, a horror classic, widely acclaimed…but it wouldn’t be a party if I couldn’t get the people I adore to watch the TRUE horror of JASON IN SPACE.

So, no shit, the premise is that because Jason is an unstoppable killing machine, the only way to safely contain him was to put him in cryogenic stasis…in space. Then, 400 years from now, SOMETHING happens (I will admit to maybe being over-ginned at this point), and he gets picked up by a spaceship of the future staffed by young coeds in cutoffs and halter tops. I, for one, do not think that a self-respecting scientist would show that much skin when performing an autopsy, but what do I know?

Anyway, CaptainDoctor Tube Top took Jason’s machete at some point, and then after he magically reanimated, he found a new, space machete. With speed holes. What purpose does a machete serve in space? Aside from fashioning yourself more cutoffs from boring space pants, of course.

There was only one scene in this movie that made it worth watching, and it is one of the greatest movie killing sequences of all time. Seriously. Someone’s robot girlfriend (again, not paying all that much attention and also sort of boozed up) creates a hologram of Camp Crystal Lake, complete with two sexy hologram campers who take off their tops, profess to love premarital sex, and then climb into sleeping bags and giggle; when it cuts back to this scene, Jason is using one girl in a sleeping bag to beat the other girl in the sleeping bag to death, and then smacks the sleeping bag girl he’s using as a weapon against a tree for good measure.

Kind of brings a tear to your eye, doesn’t it?

Next Blood & Guts & Punch & Pie will be in August 2010!

Twirl around and move around–and put a little mustard on it!

November 16, 2009 4 Comments read Live Shows, Reviews

The Electric Six show last night was AMAZING. Millions of Brazilians and The Gay Blades were incredible, powerful, dancetacular openers and were pretty much the exact opposite of last week’s opening bands. Millions of Brazilians ended their set with the singer grabbing a drum off the kit, running out into the audience, setting it up on a stool and going to town, handing the sticks off to an audience member and indicating she should continue playing, and then running back onstage to create some fabulous noise. The Gay Blades’ singer let us know exactly how unloved and unwanted Portland made him feel, decked himself out in a wreath of fake leaves, and danced like the world was ending while rocking out.

Dick Valentine rocked a crumpled pinstripe suit, and while he cut out a majority of the falsetto in his songs, he was incredibly powerful vocally. There are bands with singers who sound NOTHING live like they do in the studio; that is not the case here.

In between songs, he ruminated on the quality of falafel provided by Mediterranean Express, indicated that Seattle is sort of the QVC of music (!?) (“But no offense, guys”), and covered up the fact that he can’t dance (fact) with a lot of microphone stand gesticulating and firing finger guns at the audience.

It was easily, easily the best show I’ve seen this year, with no offense at all intended to thehifi who also brought it but good.

Nom or Vom: WORLDS ARE COLLIDING

November 13, 2009 34 Comments read Nom or Vom

More evidence of Christmas Creep: Pumpkin flavored eggnog. Or it’s pumpkin creep. Either way, a holiday is encroaching somewhere in dairy form. What am I, a scientist?

Poll #1485074 Nom or Vom: Friday the 13th Edition Open to: All, detailed results viewable to: All, participants: 42

Would you drink this?

View Answers NOM NOM NOM 19 (45.2%)VOM VOM VOM 23 (54.8%)