Date Archives November 2008

Pumpkin stabbing ’08

This year’s turnout was great, and the weather couldn’t have been more cooperative–Halloween in Washington is almost always rainy and cold, but I have been fantasically lucky as for four years in a row now, in that the day that I have picked for pumpkin picking and corn mazing has been consistently glorious!

This year, Carpinito Bros had two corn mazes–one shaped like an alien, and one shaped like a spaceship, each one running just over two miles long.

We only had enough time to do one maze, so we picked the alien maze and set out boldly, almost immediately ignoring the maps we were given at the start–the logic behind that move being ‘What is the point of a ‘maze’ if you know your location at any given moment?’.

We VERY soon realized our folly, as almost immediately, we became quite lost and wandered around the same section of the maze for quite a while.

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In a corn maze, EVERYTHING looks familiar, rare is the moment when you can say “Oh, I’ve seen this place before” and that’s typically when you walk past the same punch-station six times in a row.

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After a time, Aisling, Dick, and Ryan were eaten by the maze monster, and Jim, Tonya, Anne, and I tried to catch up with them, but ended up somehow traveling in the opposite direction. People kept calling and asking where to meet us, and my answer was “…I don’t know, I’m lost in corn. :whimper:”

Eventually, we came to a section that was clearly a side-wall as we could see people and pumpkins on the outside, and we also found a punch-station. This was the point when we decided it was time to take out our map and try to figure the way out from where we were.

 

Very soon afterward, the four of us were outside waiting by the exit for Aisling, Dick, and Ryan to finish. At one point, I called Aisling, and they had just found a punch-station out near the highway and were themselves trying to figure out how to get out of the maze using the map.

When they finally showed up, the exit is not the point from where they emerged–they had found a spot on a side of the maze where some other group had broken through the corn to freedom and said ‘Fuck it, let’s get out of here’–only now they also had to contend with climbing over the chain-link fence to get back on the correct side of the creek.

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Outside the maze, we met up with James & Katy, and Nicole and Shana called to say they were running late but they’d meet us at the patch later, so we set off a-pickin’ and a’group-photoin’.

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Here’s James with the two pumpkins I’d picked out–one for myself and one for Amy, who had graciously agreed to stay at the cabana to decorate for the party as even though I had stopped into the office six times to confirm the time I needed the cabana unlocked for my party, Snoozy Suzy apparently decided it wasn’t a priority to get it unlocked for me on time so Amy and I had barely enough time to haul everything over in the half an hour I had before we were supposed to meet people at the patch. Snoozy Suzy, in turn, wanted to know what time *I* was going to be out of the cabana so she could begin setting up for HER party the next day. Turnabout is fair play, so Amy and I decided it wasn’t a priority for us to leave before midnight, even though the party had ended hours before. So sorry.

I had spent the whole day prior to the party baking–I made some super-awesome pumpkin cupcakes made with fresh-grated pumpkin, popcorn balls (which are a huge mess and I will probably never make them again), ‘witch finger’ cookies, and what were suppose to be brittle bone crackers that ended up just destroying my kitchen and not even being worth a fraction of the effort.

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We watched movies and carved and listened to music and made filthy, filthy jokes, and this is what we ended up with:

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In Mellzah’s communal pumpkin-carving activity, pumpkin carve you!

Nicole fully intended to place this pumpkin next to her neighbor’s Obama pumpkin, but I have yet to see photographic evidence of this.

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Tonya (amazoni) carved the three on the right–the one with the smooshy face on the far right makes me laugh every single time I see it.

Anne (poetrix618) made the pumpkin shark with candy-corn teeth–it actually has several rows of teeth for extra authenticity and deliciousness.

Katy (goosezilla) carved the teeny one in front in honor of her dog Phoenix.

James (too cool for an LJ) carved a witch and a skeleton into one pumpkin, representing this year’s Republican ticket.

Katy also carved the goatse pumpkin, which was super-awesome to have up on the porch when random packs of Kent children started wandering around, checking out our work.

Mine is the squinchy-faced, large-toothed one on the left.

Aisling (conceptcanibal) made the one on the right–she had originally wanted to do something different, but when she sat the pumpkin upright, the part that faced up was scarred, so she just followed the scars and ended up with that silly character.

I’m pretty sure Katy also carved the white pumpkin, but I couldn’t tell you for a fact.

Ryan carved the two orange sugar pumpkins, one of which was left behind so I kept it on my office desk for a week.

Dick chose a green pumpkin, the better to turn it into a Green Lantern pumpkin.

Amy’s pumpkin is the one in the back, with a ghost popping out from behind a tombstone.

Jim’s (jimhark) pumpkin, although hard to see, depicts the DOW crash, which he characterized as “pretty damn scary”. What was equally scary was when he was leaving and dropped his phone between the slats of the stairs by the pool, which has been deadbolted and padlocked for the season, with no one to contact to open it up so he could retrieve it. He ended up snagging the pool skimmer and fishing for it between the steps, to the great amusement of everyone who DIDN’T have a phone trapped underneath a bbq grill.

All in all it was a fab addition to my pumpkin carving party tradition and I’m thrilled that everyone got along and had a good time!

Concession? NEVER.

WHAT? I demand a recount! Somehow this ‘Obama’ character was elected instead of a swanky new Dildarian regime, which both shocks and appalls me. Clearly there was some voter fraud going on, because there wasn’t a single royal purple state on the map. WHO IS DISENFRANCHISING MY VOTERS? Your liberal media is sweeping my regime under the rug. You make me sick. SICK.

Now, instead of voting in the glory that is my mustache, you will have it thrust upon you at an unspecified time in a very unsexy manner, despite my usage of the word ‘thrust’.

You may want to take a moment to contemplate your fate, and learn the words to my totally inspirational theme song (which may eventually replace the national anthem, and as a bonus, is way easier to sing).

It goes a little something like this:

Bow before the might of Mellzah, meatbags Kneel before the new lord and master of the world She can shoot fire out of her grill (the front one) And she’s powered by booze and WD-40 She is a mystery in a riddle wrapped in a cardboard bo-ox

She is just a girl with massive delusions But if she’d just use her steely claws and steal old people’s medicine She might never have to turn back into a puny human…whooo

BOWS before the might of Mellzah, meatbags kneels before the new lord and master of the world She likes to sing karaoke (in bars) And she dances on the corpses of her enemies

She is a mystery in a riddle wrapped in a cardboard box:

MELLZAH.

A Vote for Mellzah is a Vote for Awesome

We’re getting down to the wire, and the time has come for me to reiterate what an awesome benevolent dictator I’d be, and renumerate why you should mark your ballots for me tomorrow, instead of forcing me to seize power, which mayn’t make me feel so benevolent at first. Vote for me, and I will rule you gently with my iron fist!

Life will be sweet under a Mellzah Dildarian dictatorship, no doubt.

First and foremost, I’ve got the chutzpah, gumption, and hard-hitting awesomeness it takes to lead. I don’t kill wolves with guns from helicopters–I kill simply with a hard stare. Eventually, I will be able to kill with a glance. Who can keep the country safe better than me, armed with a pair of binoculars or perhaps a telescope?

Second, I understand how important it is for a leader to take a strong stance on facial hair. My voting record clearly indicates that I have been a long-time supporter of the mustache. I cut an impressive figure. If you were to compare me to a type of tree, I would undoubtedly be an oak, or maybe a horse chestnut. I am all teeth and curls with wild, untamed hair, but with a pleasant, open face, and my mustache is fantastic and glossy, and the ends of it are twisted with expensive-looking ribbons. Living at sea tends to leave one with ratty, matted hair, but I keep mine silky and in good condition, and though nobody knows my secret, they all respect me for it. They also respect me because it’s said I’m wedded to the sea. A lot of pirates claim they are wedded to the sea, but usually this is an excuse because they couldn’t get a girlfriend or they were gay pirates, but in my case, no one doubts that I’m wedded to the sea for a minute. My great luxuriant mustache has inspired at least one book of epic poetry, and I know this because I dictated it one night whilst on an adventure when it was raining too hard to really do much else. (a)

But what sort of policies will I dictate, you ask? Why, seeing as I am ever so benevolent, I shall tell you.

As benevolent dictator, I fully intend to:

*Reinstate naptime. After a good-sized lunch, you’re not feeling at all productive and, in fact, may be feeling quite snoozy. Under a Dildarian regime, you would be free to take a nap if needed, thus actually boosting your afternoon productivity.

*Abortions for some! No abortions for others! Miniature American flags for all, with my face pasted right in the middle as a daily reminder to ‘Be Awesome to one another’!

*Reinstate corporal punishment in schools. If bullies got the shit kicked out of them regularly, and knew their teachers were packing stun guns, they’d think twice about driving angry loner children to the point of hit lists.

*Minor drug offenders will be set free. Violent offenders, however, will all be shipped to Utah for a ‘last man standing’ gladiatorial match. Weapons will be dropped inside at random–a sock full of pennies, a sharpened broom handle, and giant sporks. This will be televised on pay-per-view, and proceeds will go back to funding your Mellzah-led utopia.

*Opposing politicians? Sorry guys. You’re all going to be shot. Goes for the House and the Senate, too. You’re useless, and the money we were paying you is better spent elsewhere. Except Russ Feingold. You’re cool, you can stay. Sort of comes in the package with the whole ‘dictator’ thing. There is only ONE dick allowed in the mashed potatoes and that dick is mine.

*The war? Done. Fuck that shizz in the EYE. The Sunnis and the Shiites want to blow each other to kingdom come? Have a blast, guys. Here, have a giant spork.

*Paris Ho-lton, Lindsay Ho-han, and Slutney Spears (and potentially more) will be shot on a rocket to Mars. For science. Riiiight.

*True freedom of religion (and non-religion!) and absolute separation of church and state. You can worship any invisible man/blue man/ blue man group you want, but don’t you dare tell anyone else what they should and should not be doing or prepare to be slapped on the next rocket to Mars. Or to battle Xenu. Whatever. Anyone who knocks on my door offering to ‘help’ me while I’m dressed in the dictatorial bathrobe can expect to be shot immediately.

*Gay marriage will immediately be legalized nationwide. Marriage is two people who have made a commitment to one another, conferring all rights and privileges on their union. Anything less is discriminatory. Religious types who are offended or threatened by gay marriage may choose to have a different, religious-based ceremony, but this religious ceremony will not be recognized by the Dildarian state, nor will it confer any special rights or privileges under the law.

*Illegal immigrants will be granted amnesty. Have YOU ever picked blueberries? Awful, awful work. But I’d still like blueberries on my cereal, so, y’know, amnesty.

*Cuba? Sanctions lifted, y’all. Quality cigars should be plentiful and cheap.

*Drunk drivers will have to walk home naked from the point where they are pulled over. Second time, with a matchstick squeezed in between their butt cheeks. Third time? You’re GOIN’ TO UTAH, BABY!

*My face will grace your money, making it much more attractive and further demonstrating my strong commitment to facial hair.

But how will a Mellzah dictatorship work, you ask? I understand; you’re confused. You’re used to living under a democracy with three branches of government, with a lot of levels and bloat and useless people mucking up the works like Tim Eyman. Under my benevolent dictatorship, the whole process will be more streamlined. Unfortunately, though I may seem god-like in stature to some, I cannot be everywhere, so I have a number of second-in-commands, each with a specific area of expertise, all assigned to a particular region. While you may not be able to interface with me directly, my number twos will be like unto the voice of god when they are in the field as my representative. Though it may seem backwards to have several number twos, this system is designed to protect not only me, but you, from the confusion and terror that inevitably follows the usurping of an awesomeness such as mine by a lesser-known person. In the event of my untimely passing while reigning as benevolent dictator, my second-in-commands will have to battle one another to the death, insuring that only the strongest one reigns, and secondly, that they cannot be in collusion with one another against me without forfeiting their lives.

Those who have complaints may bring it up with their regional dictator, who will in turn bring it up with me, and I promise to give the issue my fair and balanced consideration, which is more than you get now unless you happen to have a boatload of money.

I thank you for your time and consideration. Regime change begins at home: VOTE MELLZAH DILDARIAN FOR BENEVOLENT DICTATOR.

(a)Apologies to Gideon Defoe.