How Not To Date Mellzah, Part II

July 2, 2008 95 Comments read Live Shows, Reviews

I have previously discussed how NOT to date me on this journal. However, I had an experience so…utterly special on Friday night that it requires an update. Friday was Pirate Vs Ninja night at Noc Noc, and since I have a ridiculous amount of pirate costume pieces, I would’ve been remiss not to attend.

The show was fantastic, with firedancers and burlesque and suspensions; there were far more pirates than ninjas in the audience (as far as I could tell, anyway. Sneaky bastards.) and EVERYONE loved my pirate hat. After a while, I was approached by a…gentleman who struck up a conversation with me. Shortly, he begain emphasizing how as he is MATURE, his tastes aren’t NORMAL in that he doesn’t appreciate stick-figure women and on and on…because, of course, one of the best ways to earn points is to let someone know that they wouldn’t be considered attractive by anyone BUT you and your MATURE tastes. Point the second: if I am happy with myself and secure in my attractive qualities, you telling me about them isn’t helping your case. I already know I’m going home with ME at the end of the night; I’ve known myself much longer than you’ve known me, so there’s no way that anything you’re telling ME about ME is going to convince me to do anything with YOU. If you don’t sell me on YOU, what reason would I have to want to even have another conversation?

And that’s the moment that he chose to tell me some things about him that caused my mind to reel. Verbatim:

“See, I love my wife, but that doesn’t mean that I don’t beat off to a picture of Scarlett Johansson in the bathroom at night. Excuse me for a minute, I need to go say goodbye to someone; I’ll be back to hit on you some more in a minute.”

WHAT.

NO.

Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo.

Go home to your WIFE, dude.

DO NOT HIT ON ME IF YOU HAVE A WIFE. DO NOT DESCRIBE HOW AND WHY YOU BEAT OFF WHEN YOU ARE TRYING TO HIT ON ME.

DO NOT HIT ON ME IF YOU HAVE A WIFE.

Dildarian the Conqueror

July 1, 2008 12 Comments read Uncategorized

This work of art by shadowstitch deserved its own post.

In Dildarian, a convoy of menacing rocket vagina alien enemies is attacking the Earth. Your mission, should you choose to accept it: destroy the aliens using Dildarian force. The player controls a defender Dildarian ship (with a special set of joysticks) that moves horizontally across the bottom of the screen, shooting its ‘laser fire’ up into the squadron of multi-colored aliens that hoever within a twinkling black starfield. The Dildarian ship fires at the phalanx up above, out-manuevering the enemy escort ships that break formation to fly down and attack.

Of all the game’s characters, the Dildarian flagship is without a doubt the most ubiquitous, universally beloved by hordes of giggling pre-teens everywhere, though they’d be loath to tell you exactly why.

Mellzah, the crotch-biting sloop

July 1, 2008 24 Comments read Uncategorized

I don’t know what it is, but every time I go to the U-district, I’m overwhelmed by the urge to run people over. The ‘slow down; think of the impact you could make’ signs everywhere don’t help matters; I feel as if I’m being dared.

Perhaps it’s the late-teens who are so in luuuuuurve, they can’t stop looking at one another long enough to get out of the road that drive me to thoughts of murder. Perhaps it’s the high concentration of the surliest hobos Seattle has to offer. Perhaps it’s the hipsters who stand on streetcorners smoking cigarettes who might cross the street while you’re trying to turn and might not, and will stand there while you wait for them to go, but dart across the second you try to turn. Perhaps it’s the legions of girls in legwarmers who look like reject backup dancers from the Love is a Battlefield video. It could be a combination of those factors. All I know is that I not-so-secretly desire to run into a cluster of them and have a few carrom off of my car and directly through the American Apparel showcase windows to see if anyone can tell the difference between the victims and the mannequins.

Last night, I fought off my urge to kill and went with daemonwolf, variax, and winik to see ‘The Animation Show 4’, which was pretty much 90 minutes of ‘Whoa awesome’, ‘hahaha’, and ‘what.the.FUCK’, respectively. One of the animator’s names? Dildarian. That is an EPIC last name. And as variax mentioned, it would’ve made a great arcade game title in the 80s. I’m thinking screw my proud german-italian-swedish-english-gypsy-mutt heritage. Melissa Dildarian has a hell of a nice ring to it, don’t you think?

You know what’s better than watching a movie with your friends on a Monday night? Having the whole theater to yourselves. It was like being a multi-millionaire with a private theater without all the taxes and parasites like Paris Hilton hanging around. If only they’d let me hook up my xbox; then I’d never want to leave.