Date Archives July 2006

Lady who Peed in the Pool

So M. Night Shamawhosawhatsit’s new movie is coming out soon. All these new horror movies seem to follow a formula, and this guy is no exception. Craptacular acting (Bruce Willis is an optional, but surefire, way to make me hate it right off the bat) + weak writing + OMG WHAT A TWIST, NO REALLY, I AM VERY SURPRISED, REALLY YOU GUYS = summer horror movie.

I can’t imagine that this movie will be anything but awful. In fact, I predict that the ‘twist’ will be that horrible churning your stomach does when you realize you just wasted 10 bucks and a few hours of your life. What I REALLY want to know is: Who decided that a child whispering nursery rhymes was the ultimate in scary? I can’t walk by the TV without hearing “Who’s afraid…of the big bad wolf?” “This little piggy went to market…” “The wheels on the bus go round and round, round and round…” “99 bottles of beer on the wall….99 bottles of beer….if one of those bottles should happen to fall….” Broken glass and wasted booze. Now that’s scary, people.

I am going to make a movie called “Senseless Violence” and the protagonist is going to go around committing random atrocities whilst a group of merry children follows behind, chanting nursery rhymes. Then you’re going to find out it was all a dream…that a murderous, insane PURPLE turtle was having on another planet, right before he got tossed in the cookpot by a 4 year old whispering ‘ring around the rosy’. Fade to black. Most awesome movie, ever.

Hollywood, fund me! For the right amount of money, I could be convinced to call it “Wolves on a Submarine”.