The other day, my dad called and said that my grandma was mailing me something for Christmas that I *had* to be there to sign for, so he wanted my work address. This set my head spinning a bit–there are not many things I can think of that *require* a signature; guns, booze, and pornography. While my grandpa is a gun owner, that doesn’t strike me as something they’d get for me. Booze? Grandma already thinks I might be an alcoholic. Pornography? HAR HAR!
The box showed up today, and it is ENORMOUS. And heavy. And from Wal-Mart.com apparently. (Grandma is on the internet now?!? Oh god, Google is going to betray me again!) I suppose since it’s from Wal-mart, it could theoretically still be guns, though booze is unlikely (Does the Evil Empire sell alcohol??), and porn is right out.
What do you kids think it is?
I went for booze, but for all I know, it could be a pony mounted with guns.
Best. Gift. Ever.
My wife keeps asking for a rocket-powered pony.
She can borrow mine.
That is awesome and disturbing.
You can rule out guns; they can’t legally be shipped in that fashion.
Well, ok, I suppose what I’m saying here is that you can rule out legal guns.
I thought they could be shipped so long as the person signing for it was over 18? :shrug: I know next to nothing about guns, or really, shipping laws.
If I presume for the moment that your grandparents are out of state, the legal process looks something like this:
Your grandparents find a federally licensed firearms dealer in their state, pay the dealer a fee to do a transfer, then remit the firearm to the dealer.
You find a federally licensed firearm dealer in your state, and pay them a fee to do a transfer.
Your FFL mails a colored ink-signed copy of their federal firearms license to their FFL, to establish to the sending FFL that they are a valid address for the delivery of firearms.
Their FFL, upon receipt of this paper, mails the firearm to your FFL; when it arrives, your FFL notifies you. You show up in person there, fill out an ATF form #4472. Your FFL then telephones the NICS National Instant Check database and reads the information off the form to find out if you can legally receive the firearm. This may come back, “Accepted”, “Rejected”, or “Delayed”. If it’s “rejected”, you may further be guilty of a felony for attempting to receive a firearm while ineligable to do so. Presuming it’s “Accepted”, you may then take possession IF it’s a long gun – but if it’s a pistol, you then begin your waiting period.
Impressive dance, eh?
WOW. I never realized that the process was so involved!
…Illegal firearms it is.
all i know is to always lie to the post office about what is in the box.
I could have fragile stickers all over a package I’m mailing, but when the postal worker asks if it’s fragile, the answer is always ‘no’. The truth seems like more hassle than it’s worth.
I think it’s an Albino Thread Snake, shipped along side a flash-frozen feeding animal (probably a sheep). Wake your snake up slowly, they tend to be a bit cranky at first. If you have some beer handy, warm it up and put it down in front of the Snake’s housing canister… it’ll take the edge off. Play a little Beethoven, they usually dig that when they’re groggy.
Remember to start thawing the sheep a little ahead of time or, if you want to save it, invite the most annoying child you know over to “see your new pet”.
Do I need to be concerned about it devouring my dog?
Dear Abby thinks it’s a bad idea to give a pet at Christmas, and if it eats my dog, I’m pretty inclined to agree.
What does Dear Abby have to say about slaves as Christmas gifts?
She’s cool with it. Especially if it’s child labor.
Good news, then. I don’t think that store does returns and I’ve lost the receipt anyhow.
I believe I specifically asked you for hired goons to beat on Walt Disney’s frozen corpse for a while.
Good grief, you think I was getting you slaves AND goons? The slaves are for someone else, you greedy robot!
Um, are you suggesting that the universe doesn’t revolve around me? Because the penalty for that crime is death.
“the penalty for that crime is death.”
Death or slavery, maybe?
I don’t want any smart-talkin’ slaves–I want people’s wills to be quickly crushed by my robotic, despotic fist. Is that so much to ask?
It totally won’t eat your dog if you follow the directions!
I am fond of it for the child-B-gone mode. One way or another, things just sort themselves out.
I honestly think the A.T.S. doesn’t like dogs anyway. Too stringy and hairy.
Can it effectively pull off looking like it’s trained to assist the blind? I’d love to take it on shopping expeditions to, say, Toys R Us.
gun totin’ boozy pony porn for sure.
It was all good until you tacked ‘porn’ on the end. Because that’s totally creepy and illegal.
i aim to please.
sorry, but i bet it’s pots and pans.
unless you really want pots and pans, and then i bet it’s something less exciting.
whatever it is, it will be disappointingly not-sign-in-person-worthy.
why would she need to sign for pots and pans?
i had to sign for pots and pans just last week. i seem to have to sign for everything these days. (the notes they leave have the “signature required, in person” box checked regularly)
my deeply cynical (in relation to courier services) self suspects that one way or another it has to do with corner-cutting or other negligence on their part. because they are always always trying to screw me. honest!
see my rant here:
http://ravenmimura.livejournal.com/915.html
(it’s from 4 years ago, but i trot it out with some regularity…)
heh.
I sincerely hope that it is something more exciting than pots and pans, even if it isn’t sign-in-person-exciting.
..though that miniature pony thing would be sweet, so I’m hoping for that. And right now, it’s in some sort of cryogenic stasis. I just need to remember not to have it chariot me anywhere until it’s fully thawed.
it’s an indoor zen fountain. with guns.
Do the guns spit water, or is it more like cannons mounted to the sides?
well, duh!
cannons mounted on the side!
Re: well, duh!
I can’t wait to start shooting cannonballs at people. It will probably be the best day of my life!
Re: well, duh!
and all from the zen comfort of your gurggeling fountain!
Re: well, duh!
Time to declare war on my goddamned neighbors!
Re: well, duh!
but, srsly. how the hell do you spell “gurggle”???
Re: well, duh!
Gurgle. Gurgled. Gurgling.
You’d never know that I was booted out of the 4th grade spelling bee right quick for misspelling ‘reindeer’ as ‘raindeer’. S-M-R-T.
im leaning towards a robotic monkey that is programmed to roll joints and sing “in your eyes” by Peter Gabriel.
In fact, I can almost guarantee it…
Can it sing other things or just ‘in your eyes’?
How was your show last week?
Do you really want to hurt me? Do you really want to MAKE ME CRY?