Today, my number went up. What number, you ask? Well, generally speaking, women* keep a running tally in their heads of the people who have seen them naked after they hit sexual maturity. My list is kept so I know who I need to kill when I bump off Scarlett Johansson and steal her body so no one can give away my secret.
Before you start in with comments like, “Heeeeey, someone got laaaaaid!Woohoo! Congrats! Perhaps now you will not be so crabby, you grown-over-vagina-bitch!”, an important clarification must be made. This person, far from being a new lover, was the little old Korean lady at Aurora Tailors.
Because apparently, in her world, people are able to change completely out of a street outfit and into a big damn fancy gown in thirty seconds. Perhaps anime has misled us both, wherein all you have to do to perform a full costume change is utter a secret word and the transformation sequence is initiated, and from start to finish, takes about ten seconds.
I heard her approach. I quickly and loudly uttered “no no no no no no NOOOOO!” like Darth Vader with a stutter. She whipped the curtain open and gasped. I huddled in a ball of naked me and powder blue satin and wanted to die.
We both pretended that it did not happen, as I stood on a box in the dress and my new pinchy heels which ALSO show toe cleavage (on that note, I am fucking giving up. The shoe manufacturers have won. I hate you, shoe manufacturers!) and she determined where the dress should be hemmed.
She then determined that the cost of sewing two straight lines is fifty dollars. I have decided that either she has tacked on some sort of “noooooo, I has seen you naked, my eeeeeyessss, it BURNS US” surcharge, or tailoring is a racket I need to get into. Forget about being a mafia princess–who needs that kind of hassle when the tailoring going rate is approximately six hundred dollars an hour?
*If you are a woman and do not do this, I apologize for making you sound like some sort of crazy ‘naked tally lady’. Really.
My conscience would never allow me to charge such exhorbant rates. This is why I am poor. 🙁
I think I would try to charge even MORE to make up for your conscience.
that’s hot….
nothing get’s my raviolis boiling faster than a naked woman shrieking no over and over again. Throw in the old asian lady to stare you down and I’m ready to go….
ohh! solution to toe cleavage…. paint little toe nipples on your toes, and make them just barely peeking over the edge of the shoe. not only will it be sexy, but you can not only get the foot fetish crowd, but the gool ol’ ‘merican titty crowd as well. this can be considered a bon(e)us(you)!
And if you don’t buy that, I will blame the leprachauns….
give me a slot machine.
No can do! Not only would I get fired and probably imprisoned, but it wouldn’t even work as machines in this state are all hooked up to servers–anything else is illegal.
Tailoring is TOTALLY a racket you need to get into.
I think the expensive part is the determining WHERE to sew the straight lines, because when I got something hemmed it was the pinning that took up so much time.
Also whenever I try to do darts I get them crooked, but my brother, who actually went to school for sewing, never does.
I just need to get a sewing machine and I’ll be ready to start my own business. The tiny Korean woman took maybe 30 seconds to stick three safety pins in the dress and that was it–so I don’t know how long the determination process took otherwise, but my involvement in the matter was short indeed.
I’ve recently been thinking about going to school for fashion design, because I think I could make some KICK ASS clothes–but I don’t think there’s a whole lot going on there that I couldn’t teach myself. I want to make clothes because places like H&M and Forever21 drive me insane with their ‘we don’t want your fat money’ attitudes. *I* will take people’s fat money!