Ahoy me foine buckos! In honor o’ this glorious day, that is, International Talk LIke a Pirate Day, I’m presentin to ye me new and updated Poop Deck…er, piratin’ bathroom. This room has a bit more count-arrrr space than me last apartment, so ye can see that I’ve made a few changes to make ‘er the most glorious Poop De–Piratin’ Bathroom tha thar evarrr was. T’only thing missin from this room ’twas in t’ otharrr room b t’ showarrr curtain as this one be havin’ doors. I be thinkin’ about cutting some window stickarrrs to t’ shape o’ t’ Jolly Rogarr and sticking them on t’ doors, but I needs to be making sure they’ll come off, lest t’ apartment managarrr make poor Cap’n Mellzah Rackham walk t’plank. Still in t’room but not appearin in these pictures be t’ matchin’ pirate garbage can and bath mat, along wi t’ mandatory Jack Sparrow Teen Girl Squad droolworthy poster.

New to t’room on t’port side be a treasure chest, complete wi’ a Lush Black Pearl and a Sex Bomb, sent to me by me matey Beth, t’ pirate mardi gras beads I plundered in Las Vegas, and a night light purchased from Ikea for the sum of one dollarrrr that didn’t start out as a skull, but ended up as one with some creative razorblading and paint application. Look how it lights t’room red like Blackbeard’s dynamite at night!

Also makin’ its first appearance be t ‘Here thar be robots’ treasure map and a magic picture that be changing dependin on which way ye look at it, yet ye can see both its faces when ye look in t’ mirror.

On t’ doorknob hangs a unique piratin’ artifact tive t’ me by Harrrrrgrove t’ Art Parrot o’ Tangrala, and as well as bein mighty attractive, it gives fair warnin to those who might be inclined to leave t’ seat up that they’ll be losin a hand in t’ bargain.

On the starrrboard side o t’ sink, makin its debut be t’ piratin rubber duck that Savage Scotty Seadog plundered from the depths of some retail environment and me new matey, Jaws t’fish. Don’t be fooled by his size, for truly fearsome he be. He bit a man in two fer lookin’ at him funny. That ship, lyin at t’ bottom of his bowl? He sunk it, so he did. T’ crew nevar knew what hit em, and evar since I made it me goal to capture him and forcibly make him part of me crew. T’battle raged for weeks, through waters fair and foul, but eventually he submitted to me might. Now me ship can sail unchallenged as her legend spreads far and wide–none dare to ride on the same tides as one under t’ protection of Jaws.

Tonight me piratin’ crew meets at t’ Jolly Roger in Ballarrrrd. Be there, or ye be a filthy stinkin bilge ninja whose mother I plundered last week.

Note t’ Johnny Depp: This be the third talk like a pirate day that I’ve asked ye o come shiver me timbers, lad. What’s holding ye back? Is it t’ robot costume? For I assure ye, it can be taken off. When yer movie came out this summer and all me mates were spouting horrible things about t’ quality of t’ movie AND yer actin abilities in one fell swoop, Mellzah defended ye. No one loves ye like Mellzah does! Come drink grog w’ Mellzah this piratin’ day and she’ll be making ye feel better.

And then Mellzah’ll ball ye until yer liver explodes.