Let’s start with the things I’m thankful for today:
Today, I am thankful for industrial-strength garbage bags.
Today, I am thankful for rubber gloves.
Today, I am thankful for the cast-iron stomach bestowed upon me by my father.
Because today when I got home, I saw that the dog had a shitsplosion in his cage. I didn’t actually know that it was possible for one dog to shit that much. Not only was his bedding completely and utterly destroyed, but he himself was entirely encrusted with shit. Hindquarters, belly, face, all caked with shit. You might be thinking “Poor Napoleon” at this moment, which would make you a better person than me, as I continue to think “Poor ME”. So, I had to dispose of his bed and scrub out his cage, and give him a bath, and the whole time he’s having a bath, he’s trying to lick me and wagging his tail like “Oh wow, isn’t this fun? I mean, it started out bad, but it’s cool, right? Because this is totally my favorite thing. Why aren’t you smiling?”
If this whole escapade has taught him that all he needs to do to get a bath is to shit all over the place and roll in it, I will continue to be thankful for industrial-strength garbage bags for when I dump his corpse into the green river.
O.M.G. I immediately thought “poor Melissa” not “poor Napoleon” UGH GROSS!
and the last paragraph made my lol, I really needed that too, thanks.
When people talk about the joys of pet ownership, somehow they neglect to mention these moments.
People also tend to neglect mentioning these sorts of things when talking about having kids.
That is a good point!
nods
Oh, no, EVERY pet owner I know has stories like that, and I gag and retch at every one, solidifying my resolve never to joint their ranks just that much more. *shudder*
You poor, poor thing. Guh.
No pet owners told me these stories before I bought one. Jerkasses.
I’m totally rethinking this whole getting a puppy idea of Josh’s.
You can
borrowhave mine!I confess I do feel bad for Napoleon – no one likes to shit where they sleep, especially if they can’t help it.
Yeah, he would have probably preferred to shit where *I* sleep.
I’ve done that.
Stop pooping on my clean sheets!
Mozeltov! Today, you are officially prepared to bear children!
Oh that is NOT happening. Any scenario that starts with me + child is going to end with me + prison.
I am happy I only have to scrub vomit out of the carpet once a week.
Yeah, I could have happily gone the rest of my life without the cleanup from this particular excretion.
He poops because he loves you.
He’s giving me a gift he made himself! Hurrah!
Oh, god. I feel you. We just went through one of these a couple months ago, but it lasted A WHOLE WEEKEND and ended up with IV fluids Monday morning in the vet’s office. Verdict? Special snowflake can’t handle anything but her own dog food, ever. UGGGGHHHHH.
It got named “poopsplosion” in our house, though. Not sure why we didn’t just go straight to “shitsplosion.”
Oh god, a whole weekend? That would be enough to make me contemplate setting him free into the wilderness to fend for himself.
There would be no poop issues if my dog would just stay out of the fucking garbage. What on earth made him think that a disposable fask mask was FOOD?
Oh lord. We call it a “poop tornado.”
Why are these terms for something SO AWFUL so utterly hilarious?
Oh my goodness. You are so brave!
It was either clean it up or abandon my apartment and I’m a little partial to having a home. 🙁
Have you any idea what caused it all?
Yup. He tried to eat my disposable face mask–I caught him with it after he’d picked it out of the trash.
My sister recently flew with her cat from Baltimore to San Diego. First thing the cat does once they’re through security is piss all over the carrier, which then leaks all over my sister. I mostly feel bad for the suckers she was sitting next to on the plane.
I don’t even want to imagine a six hour flight sitting next to someone who reeks of cat pee. 🙁
My cat, Taxi, pissed on me during a move. In August. In a car with no air conditioning. Windows rolled up to prevent cat from escaping. (Mom is going to hell for accidentally locking the neighbor’s house without first borrowing the cat carrier, just saying.)
I disapprove of your plan. The Green River appears to be quite pleasant, and I think an influx of feces-encrusted dogs, living or dead, would severely detract from that.