On Sunday the 18th, I took a trip to Maris Farms with Amber and Mana to visit their Haunted Woods attraction. I’d wanted to get there early enough to take a monster truck ride and see the pumpkin trebuchet and all sorts of other things, but I became engrossed in something and didn’t end up getting there until 5:30, at which point, I got to wander around for half an hour until they closed, pet some teeny-tiny goats, squee over the teeny-tiny racing pigs, and then leave because my Haunted Woods ticket was good for 8pm and they don’t want people there more than fifteen minutes early.
So, I left to go buy dinner somewhere nearby to pass time, and ended up at a place called ‘Burgers International & Pizzeria’ which I FULLY intended to mock. Fully. Because what meal could possibly be less international than burgers?
Friends, I had to make room for my snotty words in addition to my meal when I saw the menu. It was organized by country/continent in terms of where the meat originated. Yakburgers from Nepal. Ostrich from Africa. Kangaroo from Australia. Llamas from…somewhere. Also, specialty ‘burgers from the sea’. Exotic meats AND mocking Jessica Simpson: This place has EVERYTHING.
But that wasn’t all. International burgers is owned by Austrian Baron Manfred and Baroness Ingeborg von Vierthaler. They handcraft their own schnitzel. And I am certain that if Baron Manfred had been around for me to pledge allegiance to him, he would surely sport a bitching mustache, an eyepatch, a dashing grin, and he’d tell me that he slays all of the animals his patrons gorge on with his bare hands.
Guess what I got, guys? Guess!
A BLACK BEAR BURGER. The waitress tried to talk me into something more similar to beef for reasons unbeknownst to me–perhaps Baron Manfred was tired and didn’t feel like wrestling yet another bear. Or perhaps she’s sick and tired of people complaining when the taste of the exotic meats isn’t exactly what they thought it would be. Either way, I would not be deterred. I ate half of Winnie The Pooh (who was delicious), and I saved the other half for Napoleon so he can brag to the other dogs when he goes to Dog Hell that not only has he eaten a bear, he got someone else to do all of the hard work of killing, cleaning, and cooking for him. Truly, he will be every dog’s hero.
I imagine I’ll find myself there more than is entirely healthy, considering they gave me a punch card–buy 12 burgers and the 13th is free–and they serve an awful lot of animals that I’ve never had the opportunity to consume before.
I met up with Amber and Mana back at the farm near 8, and ended up having a really good time despite the group in front of us that walked so slowly that we kept catching up to them and having scares ruined by the girl in that group that yipped like a chihuahua at every opportunity and then started messing with exhibits to, I don’t know, prove she wasn’t scared AND that she was a total fucking asshat. She became known to our group as Dog Girl and it was a total shame that we didn’t get it share that with her.
This time, Amber and Mana pushed me to the front of the group, and I must admit that they even got a few womanish screams out of me, and a vibrating plate in the ground nearly caused me to jump straight out of my stompy boots. The only gripe I’ve got about the haunted woods themselves is that one of the indoor portions was pitch black, which would be fine except I ended up feeling up some poor employee while fumbling about blindly in the wrong direction–if you’re going to send a group through somewhere COMPLETELY blind, there probably ought to be only one direction to travel in. Though that could have been the point–for a while, it seemed like there were two people attempting to separate the group and lead us in different directions. However, being total girls, we clung to one another and eventually blundered our way out after someone stuck a feather in my mouth (perhaps revenge for my totally unintentional knocker-grabbing).
All in all, it was a totally worthwhile trip, and next year, I will definitely be going back for monster truck rides in addition to the haunted woods.
I am so, so, so happy that you went to that burger place! I have mocked that establishment countless times but (obviously) never gone in. Now I must go! If I was the Queen of Spain I would award you a title for culinary adventure and discovery!
How was the bear?
His only crime was being delicious. I’m bad at describing sensory experiences, the best I can do is say that the flavor is darker and gamier than beef.
Yeah, bear’s like that. I haven’t eaten it in umpteen years, though, so maybe I need to refresh my memory.
Dude, they should have a sampler platter, like one of those beer sampler placemats at brewpubs!
But if they did that, how could they entice me to keep coming back?
Good point! And, re: bear meat, I suspect the difference in flavor has to do with bears being omnivorous.
Also, I have a housewarming gift for you, so we should hook up at some point for dinner and shoot the shit.
Yeah, I feel like I haven’t seen you in foreeever. This whole week is bad for me, next week I should be free most evenings, otherwise you’re coming over for chicken & porn night, right? 🙂
Next week is cool for me; not much happening past the end of market season. And yeah, I was figurin’ on coming over for some yardbird and dilders.
Next week is cool for me; not much happening past the end of market season. And yeah, I was figurin’ on coming over for some yardbird and dilders.
Yeah, I feel like I haven’t seen you in foreeever. This whole week is bad for me, next week I should be free most evenings, otherwise you’re coming over for chicken & porn night, right? 🙂
Good point! And, re: bear meat, I suspect the difference in flavor has to do with bears being omnivorous.
Also, I have a housewarming gift for you, so we should hook up at some point for dinner and shoot the shit.
But if they did that, how could they entice me to keep coming back?
Yeah, bear’s like that. I haven’t eaten it in umpteen years, though, so maybe I need to refresh my memory.
Dude, they should have a sampler platter, like one of those beer sampler placemats at brewpubs!
His only crime was being delicious. I’m bad at describing sensory experiences, the best I can do is say that the flavor is darker and gamier than beef.
I am so, so, so happy that you went to that burger place! I have mocked that establishment countless times but (obviously) never gone in. Now I must go! If I was the Queen of Spain I would award you a title for culinary adventure and discovery!
How was the bear?
WANT.
Hey, when you find your way out here, I’ll take you. 🙂
Hey, when you find your way out here, I’ll take you. 🙂
WANT.
..Where is this place?
I must go!
Group outing: Yes!
It’s in Bonney Lake off hwy 410E. I am totally down with a group outing upon your return!
Hi sorry, was just peeking over from a few of our mutual friend’s journals….
Ive never been there, but I grew up between there and Maris Farms…. It used to be a “winery” place that always got horrible reviews, but now I must go there and try it… 🙂
No need for sorrys, I wouldn’t put all this stuff out in public if I was going to be offended when someone had something to contribute. 🙂
No need for sorrys, I wouldn’t put all this stuff out in public if I was going to be offended when someone had something to contribute. 🙂
Hi sorry, was just peeking over from a few of our mutual friend’s journals….
Ive never been there, but I grew up between there and Maris Farms…. It used to be a “winery” place that always got horrible reviews, but now I must go there and try it… 🙂
It’s in Bonney Lake off hwy 410E. I am totally down with a group outing upon your return!
..Where is this place?
I must go!
Group outing: Yes!
this is my kind of place.
this is my kind of place.
I want to go to there!
I want to go to there!
AWESOME. I’ve never gotten more exotic than buffalo, as far as land-faring animals go. I must find some bear meat..
I’m pretty sure they serve ostrich at the charcoal grill!
I’m pretty sure they serve ostrich at the charcoal grill!
AWESOME. I’ve never gotten more exotic than buffalo, as far as land-faring animals go. I must find some bear meat..