Yesterday was Arts & Crafts day at poetrix618’s place and the craft of the day was collage coasters.
As we flipped through magazines and tossed out more and more twisted and ridiculous ideas, Anne told us she’d had a dream recently where she saw jimhark playing (strip?) poker with a mutual female acquaintance, and that, overcome by rage in the dream, she started beating on this girl, punching her, pulling her hair, and twisting her nipples. When she later told Jim about the dream, his only question was, “What were her nipples like?” I piped in and told Anne she should have said this girl had nipples the size of dinner plates, bologna nipples, nipples larger than the actual boob, just to make Jim sorry he’d asked. We cackled about it for a while like the hens we are and got down to business, by which I mean we made coasters that will make our guests uncomfortable.
amazoni made this one. In case the photo is too blurry, it reads “Snap! Oh no she didn’t”.
After this, she did a statement piece on love among zombies.
As usual, I did something weird and creepy, and then made something even weirder and creepier and inspired by Hitchcock.
Anne continued to flip through magazines and found a series of pictures of a snake swallowing a mouse. We pondered a few different things–putting a hat on the snake, having it swallow a double-decker bus…these things seemed funny but not quite right. I believe I was the first to suggest that this snake ought to be swallowing a cock, but we were all in immediate agreement.
I give you: Snake Swallowing Cock Topped With Dancing Girls. It is truly difficult to capture its majesty with The World’s Oldest Cell Phone, and for this I apologize. It will be on display in my apartment as part of my permanent collection for those who wish to inspect it more closely.
So this was the sort of silly, giddy mood we shared. All of a sudden, I was struck with inspiration. When I completed my half-marathon, this memorable comment exchange happened:
Shadowstitch: Good lord, I would have died. Flopped over the side of the bridge around the second mile, and been eaten by sharks. poetrix618: Lake Washington sharks?… would love to see that. You’d prolly just be diddled by some pale, overweight dude in a rubber shark mask, tho. teh_dirty_robot: What is Jim doing in the lake?
Anne and I have laughed about that ever since. We’ve asked Jim to wear a shark mask for Halloween with some scuba gear and we’ve been merciless in our teasing. All of this culminated in one masterful piece of collage:
It will add to the experience if you whisper in a wounded little girl voice “Three fingers are TOO MANY.”
Also, yes, the manatee and the fat girl are battling over the pizza and the ice cream.
Almost the moment I finished this collage masterpiece, Jimhark showed up. He was…less than impressed with all of our afternoon’s toils. We then told him about bologna nipples, and we all started joking in earnest.
After a while, we decided to go to Laughs to catch a show, and for Christ’s sake, who do we see in the parking lot but the girl whose nipples we had been unfairly maligning all day? I was already cracking up as I approached the group, and Jim tossed out a remark about ‘bologna sandwiches’ which screams “HI WE HAVE AN INSIDE JOKE”. Comedian Jesse Case picked up on this immediately and wanted to know what we were talking about, insisting that it wasn’t fair or nice to swap inside jokes in front of people. I tried to explain it was a joke that we had about someone’s nipples and he got mock-offended, stated that he had normal-size areola and stalked inside.
We didn’t give it much more thought until Jesse went onstage and opened with a rant about our bologna joke, going on and on about how clearly it was an inside joke because no one eats bologna in Kirkland, it’s a food-stamp meat, we couldn’t even pick a quality meat and then we tossed off some bullshit response about how it was about nipples and that he doesn’t buy it, and on and on and on. WE. WERE. DYING. I laughed so hard I couldn’t breathe. Tears were running down my face. I imagine I changed colors. I can’t even begin to convey how funny and ridiculous the whole thing was. And of course, the rest of the audience is turned around looking at us just DYING in the back, because THEY weren’t the bologna sandwich nipple bastards.
Man, we used to make some awesome, insane, surreal collages from TV Guides when I was younger. I totally understand the whole “It’s so stupid it’s hilarious” infectious giddiness that accompanies such endeavors…
Perhaps I will scan some if I can dig them out next time I’m visiting my parents.
PLEASE DO!
… and why not make some today? It’s cheap entertainment and totally fun.
Well, I can’t do so today because the only periodical I receive is a Rolling Stone subscription that appeared out of nowhere, and frankly the contents of that rag are goofy-looking enough without my skissors and mucilage… 😉
I want to see them, too. 😀
This was more art therapy than crafts day. I think we’ve made some real progress. We have established a baseline of moral depravity from which we can judge future progress.
Where do we even GO from here?
Not sure where we go from here, but I’m gonna be bringing some Playgirl mags for the next collage party, at the very least! Wouldn’t want poetrix618 to have to go upstairs for an inordinately long period of time, leaving her guests to ponder on the cause of her overheard giggles, just to surf the net for penis photos. *ahem*
P.S.
My zombie lovers shoulda had cocks a swingin’… Dammit, why do the best ideas always happen too late?
I have a feeling Beach Week(end) is going to be filthy.
Ladies, bring your art supplies to the beach house! We shall have a filthy-good time and the masterpieces to prove it.
Speaking of
BitchBeach Weekend, that Friday is not one of my days off, so we could leave either Friday afternoon or on Saturday, your call. 🙂Oh, *I* can take you all sorts of wrong places … if I’m invited next time! 😉
Next time, we’re doing collage paper dolls. I’ll put you on the list, if you’re game.
Oh, hurray!
Collage paper dolls. Of Jim. Wearing pretty, pretty dresses.
… thanks for the visual. Now I won’t sleep tonight. O.o
“Where do we even GO from here?”
Um… I was originally thinking up, but up’s probably overrated. We COULD try for down… as long as the revelry doesn’t spill into the streets and involve burning cars or rodgering neighborhood pets.
I’m all right with the moral limbo ‘how low can you go’ game.
YOU NEVER LET US HAVE ANY FUN!
And remember, as Cinderella sings:
“A dream is a wish your heart makes
When you’re fast asleep
In dreams you lose your heartaches
Whatever you wish for, you keep
Have faith in your dreams and someday
Your rainbow will come smiling thru
No matter how your heart is grieving
If you keep on believing
the dream that you wish will come true”
…but if it doesn’t, at least it will come back to haunt you in a devestating comedy routine that will make you laugh until you lose all muscle control.
(um, devastating… apparently the comedy affected my spelling skills)