We got another weirdo truck driver in today. Not scary-violent like the last one*, but a guy who was clearly suffering the ill effects of not being around people very often. He had a potent musk, eau d’whiskey sweat that has been scraped off the skin with its natural b.o., muddled in a dirty ashtray with just a hint of urine.
He picked up every single one of the admin’s desk decorations to inspect them and perhaps mark his territory, and exclaimed with each one “hee! Well don’t that just beat all!”
All of a sudden, he stopped. He was captivated, held in thrall by something. Just as quickly, his trance was broken as he shouted “Lookit, those pictures remind me o’ them Twilight books. You read those? She uses flowers on the cover…none of you have read ’em? It’s romance books. They’re about vampires, not like, rip your guts out vampires, but it’s a teenage love story. Ha, there was a 17 year old vampire what’d been 17 for 400 years, ’cause once you get bit, you stay bit.”
I WAS DYING, YOU GUYS. It’s not safe for me to hold in laughter like that, I could pop a kidney!
*I don’t think I ever posted about this– after scaring the living Jesus out of everyone talking about how anyone who talked shit about the Hell’s Angels deserved to die, he came back the next day, told the admin his life story, started talking about how he had hurt himself the day before (how, I don’t know, because he didn’t do any of the lifting) and then asked where the nearest hospital was. He left…and never came back. Two months later, the trucking company called to ask if perhaps we had one of their rigs. Yes. Yes, we did. Mr. Hell’s Angels? Disappeared.
Once you get bit, you stay bit.
I’m using that phrase for everything now. Everything.
hahahaha it might replace ‘daddy like’ as my favorite phrase.
hahahaha it might replace ‘daddy like’ as my favorite phrase.
Once you get bit, you stay bit.
I’m using that phrase for everything now. Everything.
It’s not safe for me to hold in laughter that, I could pop a kidney!
The mental image of you shooting a kidney out of your back like some sort of organ toaster will provide enough amusement to get me through today’s parade of mundanity.
I mostly spend my time as an Organ Rotisserie.
I am saving that image to get me through tomorrow.
I am saving that image to get me through tomorrow.
I mostly spend my time as an Organ Rotisserie.
It’s not safe for me to hold in laughter that, I could pop a kidney!
The mental image of you shooting a kidney out of your back like some sort of organ toaster will provide enough amusement to get me through today’s parade of mundanity.
Oh Hell’s Angels. Around where I am it’s nothing but THE WARRIORS.
aaaaaaaand I will have that song in my head all day long now.
aaaaaaaand I will have that song in my head all day long now.
Oh Hell’s Angels. Around where I am it’s nothing but THE WARRIORS.
I don’t even know what to say to this.
I don’t even know what to say to this.
ever since my friend Randy pointed out that vampirism somehow blocks out the disgusting reality of pedophilia in all of those books, I can’t even look at them without cringing.
I wondered about that, too! I mean, so the kid looks 17, but is actually 417…and he’s banging an actual teenage? Ewww. Shouldn’t he really be looking at girls at least old enough to consent?
Also, is he really getting anything out of high school at this point? If he’s been pounding away at the eleventh grade for 400 years and he still doesn’t get calculus, he might just have to give up at this point.
Haven’t read the books, but from what you say, it’s not *calculus* that he’s been “POUNDING AWAY AT.”
I hoped that my easy set-up wouldn’t just be frittered away. Thank you for coming through for me!
Happy to oblige. The only way to fish is to put the scaly little beggars in a barrel and break out the twelve-gauge.
Well, twelve-gauge only if missiles are unavailable.
Well, twelve-gauge only if missiles are unavailable.
Happy to oblige. The only way to fish is to put the scaly little beggars in a barrel and break out the twelve-gauge.
I hoped that my easy set-up wouldn’t just be frittered away. Thank you for coming through for me!
Haven’t read the books, but from what you say, it’s not *calculus* that he’s been “POUNDING AWAY AT.”
lol
lol
I wondered about that, too! I mean, so the kid looks 17, but is actually 417…and he’s banging an actual teenage? Ewww. Shouldn’t he really be looking at girls at least old enough to consent?
Also, is he really getting anything out of high school at this point? If he’s been pounding away at the eleventh grade for 400 years and he still doesn’t get calculus, he might just have to give up at this point.
ever since my friend Randy pointed out that vampirism somehow blocks out the disgusting reality of pedophilia in all of those books, I can’t even look at them without cringing.
Do you think he spends his time driving reading books?
I don’t know. From the smell of him, I think he spent last night drinking.
I don’t know. From the smell of him, I think he spent last night drinking.
Do you think he spends his time driving reading books?
you know where he went disappearing to?
to Forkes. totally.
HAHAHAHAHA “Gonna fight me a vampire, yessir!”
HAHAHAHAHA “Gonna fight me a vampire, yessir!”
you know where he went disappearing to?
to Forkes. totally.
Oh, and if it hasn’t been suggested to you, you need to WATCH THE MOVIE. It really puts this guy reading these books into perspective.
If you need further convincing, here are two words: VAMPIRE BASEBALL.
I couldn’t even get through two minutes of that clip! WHAT THE SHIT IS THIS?
THIS IS THE SHIT THAT IS AMAZING TO WATCH WHEN YOU ARE HALF-TOASTED AND EVERYTHING IS HILARIOUS.
This is a movie to make a night out of. GATHER FRIENDS. MAKE CAKE. DRINK BOOZE. WATCH TWILIGHT. LAUGH UNTIL YOU PUKE. REPEAT.
I am so dearly fond of this movie, in the same way I am dearly fond of the Mortal Kombat movie or old school early 90s Buffy the Vampire Slayer.
I actually genuinely like the first Mortal Kombat movie. There might be something wrong with my brain.
I actually genuinely like the first Mortal Kombat movie. There might be something wrong with my brain.
THIS IS THE SHIT THAT IS AMAZING TO WATCH WHEN YOU ARE HALF-TOASTED AND EVERYTHING IS HILARIOUS.
This is a movie to make a night out of. GATHER FRIENDS. MAKE CAKE. DRINK BOOZE. WATCH TWILIGHT. LAUGH UNTIL YOU PUKE. REPEAT.
I am so dearly fond of this movie, in the same way I am dearly fond of the Mortal Kombat movie or old school early 90s Buffy the Vampire Slayer.
I couldn’t even get through two minutes of that clip! WHAT THE SHIT IS THIS?
Oh, and if it hasn’t been suggested to you, you need to WATCH THE MOVIE. It really puts this guy reading these books into perspective.
If you need further convincing, here are two words: VAMPIRE BASEBALL.
Oh my god, that is the best thing EVER. I am so going to be sharing this story with my co-workers.
Just remember: Once ya get bit, ya stay bit!
Just remember: Once ya get bit, ya stay bit!
Oh my god, that is the best thing EVER. I am so going to be sharing this story with my co-workers.