An Open Letter to Funcom

24 Comments read Games, Reviews
An Open Letter to Funcom

Dear Funcom,

As the developer of the highly-anticipated Age of Conan, I feel that you should take a good look at the below screenshot:

In case you cannot read the text, it goes:

“I am Sancha, mistress of the Bearded Clam – the finest whorehouse in Tortage! Loveliest girls, strongest boys…Or have you come to ask me of the Hall of the Black Ones? I know where it lies on White Sands Isle. I was there once, with no less a personage than King Conan, and the memories still ravage my sleep.”

FIRE YOUR WRITERS NOW. Also, fire whomever had final dialogue approval. “I am Sancha”–oh cute, an Orgazmo reference. “The Bearded Clam”–oh tee hee, how subtle! “The memories still ravage my sleep”–THAT DOESN’T EVEN MAKE SENSE.

The only place you’ll read or hear asstacular dialogue like this is in a video game. Even PORN DIALOGUE is more realistic. No wonder people can’t take games seriously as art–when you write like horny, inexperienced fantasy dorks, it shows.

So please, get with the firing.

Love,

Mellzah

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24 Comments An Open Letter to Funcom

  1. pretzelcoatl May 23, 2008 at 5:54 pm

    My thoughts in bullets:

    • At least it isn’t The Furry Beaver or The Whorecake Factory.
    • AAAAAAAAGH!
    • They’re trying to convey lust and trauma in one paragraph? What?
    • No, seriously, what?
    • That is an uncomfortable-looking posture.
    1. admin May 23, 2008 at 5:57 pm

      I CAN HAS ADVIL FOR BACK PAINS?

      1. pretzelcoatl May 23, 2008 at 5:59 pm

        Okay, I hate most forms of lolspeak now, but that made me laugh. A+

        1. admin May 23, 2008 at 6:04 pm

          Shit, if she talked in lolspeak, it would be more realistic than the steaming crap pile of dialogue they’ve got in place now.

    2. aelius27 May 23, 2008 at 5:59 pm

      Actually, I like “The Whorecake Factory”, it makes me happy.

      1. admin May 23, 2008 at 6:06 pm

        Restaurant names as whorehouses. Total class.

        “Cock Bobbin'”
        “The Lube Garden”
        “Bones Jumper”

        1. pretzelcoatl May 23, 2008 at 6:18 pm

          Re: Restaurant names as whorehouses. Total class.

          One of those can even lift the Friendly’s restaurant idea of a free Happy Ending after a meal.

          1. admin May 23, 2008 at 6:20 pm

            Re: Restaurant names as whorehouses. Total class.

            TGI Fuckdays

          2. pretzelcoatl May 23, 2008 at 6:22 pm

            Re: Restaurant names as whorehouses. Total class.

            Funcom’s Rejected Whorehouse Ideas:
            – Crackwhore Barrel.
            – Clapplebee’s.

          3. admin May 23, 2008 at 6:32 pm

            Re: Restaurant names as whorehouses. Total class.

            Clapplebee’s, LOL.

            -Auntie’s Fannies
            -Long Dong Silver

  2. drspooky May 23, 2008 at 6:07 pm

    I apologize on behalf of all game industry writers.

    1. admin May 23, 2008 at 6:21 pm

      Horse armor was a better idea than this tripe. 😉

      Please don’t kill me

      1. drspooky May 23, 2008 at 6:24 pm

        Hey now. Be nice. I didn’t conceive it, I just implemented it.

        1. admin May 23, 2008 at 6:33 pm

          I know, babydoll, I was just teasing because I remember how worked up you got about it when people started riding the “OH MY GOD HORSE ARMOR SUCKS” train.

          1. drspooky May 23, 2008 at 6:34 pm

            Well, they WERE being stupid. The easiest way to communicate that something sucks is to not spend money on it.

          2. admin May 23, 2008 at 6:40 pm

            It might have been easier to communicate that I think Age of Conan’s writing sucks by not spending money on it, but then how would I have gotten in not only my daily (or more often) dose of complaining AND twisting perfectly innocent places into whorehouse names?

  3. apestyle May 23, 2008 at 7:16 pm

    I submit the venerable and time honored Pizza Slut.

    2. redrumpirate May 24, 2008 at 12:43 am

      always fun saying that.

      I also say Jack int he Crack but that’s not a porn name 🙁 I fail

      1. admin May 24, 2008 at 12:46 am

        But ‘Jack in MY Crack’ could be!

        1. redrumpirate May 24, 2008 at 12:50 am

          ftw!!eleventy1!! Also- could you be a dollface and come up with some bitchin icons for me perhaps maybe pretty please with whatever stuff you like on top?? I’m in dire need for some lolzcons. Also- Bender is great.

  4. dslartoo May 23, 2008 at 8:19 pm

    For chrissake. I can write dialogue that kicks that thing’s ASS, and yet Bioware hasn’t responded to my submission for their open writer slot?

    I hate the gaming industry.

    cheers,
    Phil

    1. admin May 23, 2008 at 8:27 pm

      To be fair to Bioware, they probably got SLAMMED with submissions because of Penny Arcade. Still, I remember your work-ups, and they WERE much better this snippet from AOC.

  5. shadowstitch May 24, 2008 at 2:22 am

    “write like horny, inexperienced fantasy dorks, it shows.”

    …this is a CONAN THE BARBARIAN MMORPG.

    I don’t know how much more horny fantasy it can get.

    Plus it has to compete with World of Warcraft, but on a more “mature” level, so that means lots of off-color pop culture references.

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