{"id":819,"date":"2007-10-08T09:02:00","date_gmt":"2007-10-08T09:02:00","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/mellzah.com\/?p=819"},"modified":"2014-01-29T23:09:15","modified_gmt":"2014-01-30T07:09:15","slug":"hallo-weenie","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/mellzah.com\/index.php\/hallo-weenie\/","title":{"rendered":"Hallo-weenie."},"content":{"rendered":"

Yesterday, I went to Target to pick out some items for my coworker’s daughter’s baby shower. I made certain to maintain a scowl the entire time I was in and around the infant department, so that the scenario that occurred the LAST time I purchased baby items would not be repeated. What happened last time, you ask? A small child pointed at me and screamed ‘LOOK MOMMY, SHE’S HAVING A BABY!!!’ No. No, I am NOT having a baby.<\/p>\n

After grimacing my way through the infant section, I also went to great lengths to skirt around the maternity section, giving it a 1-department radius, so no women would give me a ‘knowing’ look. NOT PREGNANT, GODDAMNIT. My ‘glow’ is pure, shimmering hate.<\/p>\n

Since I was already out and about, I had to check out all of their Halloween wares–shaped cookie-cutters, tchotchkes, and most important of all–dog costumes<\/em>. The cuteness, I could hardly stand it. They had bee costumes, and dinosaur costumes, and little hoodies with a glow-in-dark skeleton print, and orange-and-black stripey sweaters…one of the best reasons to own a pet is being able to force it into humiliating holiday-themed costumes, which makes me about as fit a pet owner as Britney Spears was a mother; a government agent will be by my home shortly to take Napoleon away and give custody to one of my deadbeat ex-boyfriends. The only thing that kept me from purchasing a back-mounted dinosaur costume was the sure knowledge that my dog would maul me for my indiscretion.<\/p>\n

However, I just couldn’t say no to this one:<\/p>\n

\"frankie\"<\/a><\/p>\n

\"napodog\"<\/a>\n“Ooh, the embarrassment. SHE WILL PAY. Oh, how she will pay!”<\/p>\n

\"arm\"<\/a><\/p>\n

“WHO IS LAUGHING NOW?”<\/p>\n

The costume was cute and all, but I’m not really certain it was worth the loss of my left arm. Why, oh why did I tempt the fates?<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Yesterday, I went to Target to pick out some items for my coworker’s daughter’s baby shower. I made certain to maintain a scowl the entire time I was in and around the infant department, so that the scenario that occurred the LAST time I purchased baby items would not be repeated. What happened last time,… Continue reading →<\/span><\/a><\/span><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":15301,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[114],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-819","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-everything-is-terrible"],"yoast_head":"\nHallo-weenie. • Mellzah<\/title>\n<meta name=\"robots\" content=\"index, follow, max-snippet:-1, max-image-preview:large, max-video-preview:-1\" \/>\n<link rel=\"canonical\" href=\"https:\/\/mellzah.com\/index.php\/hallo-weenie\/\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:locale\" content=\"en_US\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:type\" content=\"article\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:title\" content=\"Hallo-weenie. • Mellzah\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:description\" content=\"Yesterday, I went to Target to pick out some items for my coworker’s daughter’s baby shower. I made certain to maintain a scowl the entire time I was in and around the infant department, so that the scenario that occurred the LAST time I purchased baby items would not be repeated. What happened last time,... Continue reading →\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:url\" content=\"https:\/\/mellzah.com\/index.php\/hallo-weenie\/\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:site_name\" content=\"Mellzah\" \/>\n<meta property=\"article:published_time\" content=\"2007-10-08T09:02:00+00:00\" \/>\n<meta property=\"article:modified_time\" content=\"2014-01-30T07:09:15+00:00\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:image\" content=\"https:\/\/mellzah.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2014\/06\/frankie.jpg\" \/>\n\t<meta property=\"og:image:width\" content=\"355\" \/>\n\t<meta property=\"og:image:height\" content=\"501\" \/>\n\t<meta property=\"og:image:type\" content=\"image\/jpeg\" \/>\n<meta name=\"author\" content=\"Mellzah\" \/>\n<meta name=\"twitter:card\" content=\"summary_large_image\" \/>\n<meta name=\"twitter:label1\" content=\"Written by\" \/>\n\t<meta name=\"twitter:data1\" content=\"Mellzah\" \/>\n\t<meta name=\"twitter:label2\" content=\"Est. reading time\" \/>\n\t<meta name=\"twitter:data2\" content=\"2 minutes\" \/>\n<script type=\"application\/ld+json\" class=\"yoast-schema-graph\">{\"@context\":\"https:\/\/schema.org\",\"@graph\":[{\"@type\":\"Article\",\"@id\":\"https:\/\/mellzah.com\/index.php\/hallo-weenie\/#article\",\"isPartOf\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/mellzah.com\/index.php\/hallo-weenie\/\"},\"author\":{\"name\":\"Mellzah\",\"@id\":\"https:\/\/mellzah.com\/#\/schema\/person\/258c4539d7cbedab130a65a66e1cd143\"},\"headline\":\"Hallo-weenie.\",\"datePublished\":\"2007-10-08T09:02:00+00:00\",\"dateModified\":\"2014-01-30T07:09:15+00:00\",\"mainEntityOfPage\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/mellzah.com\/index.php\/hallo-weenie\/\"},\"wordCount\":308,\"commentCount\":26,\"publisher\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/mellzah.com\/#\/schema\/person\/258c4539d7cbedab130a65a66e1cd143\"},\"image\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/mellzah.com\/index.php\/hallo-weenie\/#primaryimage\"},\"thumbnailUrl\":\"https:\/\/mellzah.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2014\/06\/frankie.jpg\",\"articleSection\":[\"Everything is Terrible\"],\"inLanguage\":\"en-US\",\"potentialAction\":[{\"@type\":\"CommentAction\",\"name\":\"Comment\",\"target\":[\"https:\/\/mellzah.com\/index.php\/hallo-weenie\/#respond\"]}]},{\"@type\":\"WebPage\",\"@id\":\"https:\/\/mellzah.com\/index.php\/hallo-weenie\/\",\"url\":\"https:\/\/mellzah.com\/index.php\/hallo-weenie\/\",\"name\":\"Hallo-weenie. • Mellzah\",\"isPartOf\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/mellzah.com\/#website\"},\"primaryImageOfPage\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/mellzah.com\/index.php\/hallo-weenie\/#primaryimage\"},\"image\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/mellzah.com\/index.php\/hallo-weenie\/#primaryimage\"},\"thumbnailUrl\":\"https:\/\/mellzah.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2014\/06\/frankie.jpg\",\"datePublished\":\"2007-10-08T09:02:00+00:00\",\"dateModified\":\"2014-01-30T07:09:15+00:00\",\"breadcrumb\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/mellzah.com\/index.php\/hallo-weenie\/#breadcrumb\"},\"inLanguage\":\"en-US\",\"potentialAction\":[{\"@type\":\"ReadAction\",\"target\":[\"https:\/\/mellzah.com\/index.php\/hallo-weenie\/\"]}]},{\"@type\":\"ImageObject\",\"inLanguage\":\"en-US\",\"@id\":\"https:\/\/mellzah.com\/index.php\/hallo-weenie\/#primaryimage\",\"url\":\"https:\/\/mellzah.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2014\/06\/frankie.jpg\",\"contentUrl\":\"https:\/\/mellzah.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2014\/06\/frankie.jpg\",\"width\":355,\"height\":501},{\"@type\":\"BreadcrumbList\",\"@id\":\"https:\/\/mellzah.com\/index.php\/hallo-weenie\/#breadcrumb\",\"itemListElement\":[{\"@type\":\"ListItem\",\"position\":1,\"name\":\"Home\",\"item\":\"https:\/\/mellzah.com\/\"},{\"@type\":\"ListItem\",\"position\":2,\"name\":\"Hallo-weenie.\"}]},{\"@type\":\"WebSite\",\"@id\":\"https:\/\/mellzah.com\/#website\",\"url\":\"https:\/\/mellzah.com\/\",\"name\":\"Mellzah\",\"description\":\"\",\"publisher\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/mellzah.com\/#\/schema\/person\/258c4539d7cbedab130a65a66e1cd143\"},\"potentialAction\":[{\"@type\":\"SearchAction\",\"target\":{\"@type\":\"EntryPoint\",\"urlTemplate\":\"https:\/\/mellzah.com\/?s={search_term_string}\"},\"query-input\":{\"@type\":\"PropertyValueSpecification\",\"valueRequired\":true,\"valueName\":\"search_term_string\"}}],\"inLanguage\":\"en-US\"},{\"@type\":[\"Person\",\"Organization\"],\"@id\":\"https:\/\/mellzah.com\/#\/schema\/person\/258c4539d7cbedab130a65a66e1cd143\",\"name\":\"Mellzah\",\"image\":{\"@type\":\"ImageObject\",\"inLanguage\":\"en-US\",\"@id\":\"https:\/\/mellzah.com\/#\/schema\/person\/image\/\",\"url\":\"https:\/\/secure.gravatar.com\/avatar\/8bc52d68a982a0654b9052e9adc2698e982c1f851e2c0bb7de553ebba11a7c60?s=96&d=identicon&r=pg\",\"contentUrl\":\"https:\/\/secure.gravatar.com\/avatar\/8bc52d68a982a0654b9052e9adc2698e982c1f851e2c0bb7de553ebba11a7c60?s=96&d=identicon&r=pg\",\"caption\":\"Mellzah\"},\"logo\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/mellzah.com\/#\/schema\/person\/image\/\"},\"sameAs\":[\"https:\/\/mellzah.com\"]}]}<\/script>\n<!-- \/ Yoast SEO plugin. -->","yoast_head_json":{"title":"Hallo-weenie. • Mellzah","robots":{"index":"index","follow":"follow","max-snippet":"max-snippet:-1","max-image-preview":"max-image-preview:large","max-video-preview":"max-video-preview:-1"},"canonical":"https:\/\/mellzah.com\/index.php\/hallo-weenie\/","og_locale":"en_US","og_type":"article","og_title":"Hallo-weenie. • Mellzah","og_description":"Yesterday, I went to Target to pick out some items for my coworker’s daughter’s baby shower. I made certain to maintain a scowl the entire time I was in and around the infant department, so that the scenario that occurred the LAST time I purchased baby items would not be repeated. What happened last time,... Continue reading →","og_url":"https:\/\/mellzah.com\/index.php\/hallo-weenie\/","og_site_name":"Mellzah","article_published_time":"2007-10-08T09:02:00+00:00","article_modified_time":"2014-01-30T07:09:15+00:00","og_image":[{"width":355,"height":501,"url":"https:\/\/mellzah.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2014\/06\/frankie.jpg","type":"image\/jpeg"}],"author":"Mellzah","twitter_card":"summary_large_image","twitter_misc":{"Written by":"Mellzah","Est. reading time":"2 minutes"},"schema":{"@context":"https:\/\/schema.org","@graph":[{"@type":"Article","@id":"https:\/\/mellzah.com\/index.php\/hallo-weenie\/#article","isPartOf":{"@id":"https:\/\/mellzah.com\/index.php\/hallo-weenie\/"},"author":{"name":"Mellzah","@id":"https:\/\/mellzah.com\/#\/schema\/person\/258c4539d7cbedab130a65a66e1cd143"},"headline":"Hallo-weenie.","datePublished":"2007-10-08T09:02:00+00:00","dateModified":"2014-01-30T07:09:15+00:00","mainEntityOfPage":{"@id":"https:\/\/mellzah.com\/index.php\/hallo-weenie\/"},"wordCount":308,"commentCount":26,"publisher":{"@id":"https:\/\/mellzah.com\/#\/schema\/person\/258c4539d7cbedab130a65a66e1cd143"},"image":{"@id":"https:\/\/mellzah.com\/index.php\/hallo-weenie\/#primaryimage"},"thumbnailUrl":"https:\/\/mellzah.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2014\/06\/frankie.jpg","articleSection":["Everything is Terrible"],"inLanguage":"en-US","potentialAction":[{"@type":"CommentAction","name":"Comment","target":["https:\/\/mellzah.com\/index.php\/hallo-weenie\/#respond"]}]},{"@type":"WebPage","@id":"https:\/\/mellzah.com\/index.php\/hallo-weenie\/","url":"https:\/\/mellzah.com\/index.php\/hallo-weenie\/","name":"Hallo-weenie. • Mellzah","isPartOf":{"@id":"https:\/\/mellzah.com\/#website"},"primaryImageOfPage":{"@id":"https:\/\/mellzah.com\/index.php\/hallo-weenie\/#primaryimage"},"image":{"@id":"https:\/\/mellzah.com\/index.php\/hallo-weenie\/#primaryimage"},"thumbnailUrl":"https:\/\/mellzah.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2014\/06\/frankie.jpg","datePublished":"2007-10-08T09:02:00+00:00","dateModified":"2014-01-30T07:09:15+00:00","breadcrumb":{"@id":"https:\/\/mellzah.com\/index.php\/hallo-weenie\/#breadcrumb"},"inLanguage":"en-US","potentialAction":[{"@type":"ReadAction","target":["https:\/\/mellzah.com\/index.php\/hallo-weenie\/"]}]},{"@type":"ImageObject","inLanguage":"en-US","@id":"https:\/\/mellzah.com\/index.php\/hallo-weenie\/#primaryimage","url":"https:\/\/mellzah.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2014\/06\/frankie.jpg","contentUrl":"https:\/\/mellzah.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2014\/06\/frankie.jpg","width":355,"height":501},{"@type":"BreadcrumbList","@id":"https:\/\/mellzah.com\/index.php\/hallo-weenie\/#breadcrumb","itemListElement":[{"@type":"ListItem","position":1,"name":"Home","item":"https:\/\/mellzah.com\/"},{"@type":"ListItem","position":2,"name":"Hallo-weenie."}]},{"@type":"WebSite","@id":"https:\/\/mellzah.com\/#website","url":"https:\/\/mellzah.com\/","name":"Mellzah","description":"","publisher":{"@id":"https:\/\/mellzah.com\/#\/schema\/person\/258c4539d7cbedab130a65a66e1cd143"},"potentialAction":[{"@type":"SearchAction","target":{"@type":"EntryPoint","urlTemplate":"https:\/\/mellzah.com\/?s={search_term_string}"},"query-input":{"@type":"PropertyValueSpecification","valueRequired":true,"valueName":"search_term_string"}}],"inLanguage":"en-US"},{"@type":["Person","Organization"],"@id":"https:\/\/mellzah.com\/#\/schema\/person\/258c4539d7cbedab130a65a66e1cd143","name":"Mellzah","image":{"@type":"ImageObject","inLanguage":"en-US","@id":"https:\/\/mellzah.com\/#\/schema\/person\/image\/","url":"https:\/\/secure.gravatar.com\/avatar\/8bc52d68a982a0654b9052e9adc2698e982c1f851e2c0bb7de553ebba11a7c60?s=96&d=identicon&r=pg","contentUrl":"https:\/\/secure.gravatar.com\/avatar\/8bc52d68a982a0654b9052e9adc2698e982c1f851e2c0bb7de553ebba11a7c60?s=96&d=identicon&r=pg","caption":"Mellzah"},"logo":{"@id":"https:\/\/mellzah.com\/#\/schema\/person\/image\/"},"sameAs":["https:\/\/mellzah.com"]}]}},"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/mellzah.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/819","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/mellzah.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/mellzah.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/mellzah.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/mellzah.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=819"}],"version-history":[{"count":3,"href":"https:\/\/mellzah.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/819\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":7755,"href":"https:\/\/mellzah.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/819\/revisions\/7755"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/mellzah.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/15301"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/mellzah.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=819"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/mellzah.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=819"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/mellzah.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=819"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}