{"id":756,"date":"2007-07-11T08:36:00","date_gmt":"2007-07-11T08:36:00","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/mellzah.com\/?p=756"},"modified":"2015-05-16T19:47:09","modified_gmt":"2015-05-17T02:47:09","slug":"i-love-you-like-a-rocket-in-the-middle-of-the-night","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/mellzah.com\/index.php\/i-love-you-like-a-rocket-in-the-middle-of-the-night\/","title":{"rendered":"I love you like a rocket in the middle of the night"},"content":{"rendered":"

July 4th isn’t so much a celebration of our shared history as it is an excuse to recreate the Battle of Iowa Jima in 1\/4th scale using gigatons of high-powered fireworks quasi-legally purchased at shady roadside stands along I-94.<\/p>\n

Furthermore, you shouldn’t DARE leave the safety of the nearest fallout shelter once the sun has left the sky on the 4th, since that’s when beer and latent pyromania come together in spectacular fashion on every single block in Brew City and WOE be unto anyone in a vehicle or on foot once the festivities get underway.<\/p>\n

hotshotrobot<\/a> was kind enough to extend me an invitation to the celebration he was attending, and I, in turn, felt that I would be remiss as a guest to show up without a case of beer and the aforementioned fireworks.<\/p>\n

Although my body trembled with desire upon spotting a firework for sale that was so large, I could have easily built a comfortable nest in its spent carcass, my pyrotechnics fund was on a tight budget this year, and I couldn’t quite justify spending $179 on sixty seconds of joy. starladear13<\/a> and I instead shopped around, picking up roman candles, shooting fountains, and evil little divebombing planes, wisely avoiding anything that made too much noise, as while the 4th is all about red, white, and blue, we didn’t want to draw any additional blue and red flashing lights to our location, as I’m fairly certain that cops don’t take checks as a form of bribery. Especially when the word ‘bribe’ is written in the memo field. ESPECIALLY when that check is going to bounce higher than a gymnast on speed hitting a trampoline at thirty miles per hour.<\/p>\n

I’m used to buying my fireworks at the reservations now, where so long as you explode everything on property, there are no issues with Johnny Law, so when the woman at the register asked me if I had a permit, I didn’t know what to say or do.\n“N–” (nudge from Lesley) “Yes. Yes I do.”\n“Can I see it?”\n“….Noooooo. No. No, you can’t. It’s mine.”<\/p>\n

The cashier gave me a look which clearly indicated, “You are an idiot and I hate you,” and made me purchase a fireworks permit, which is a total joke as it just gives permission to carry them, but not to light them.<\/p>\n

\"agreement\"<\/a><\/p>\n

Everyone at the party was very friendly and welcoming, and we drank, chatted, and laughed until dusk, when the real festivities began. In a strange sort of ‘steps from Kevin Bacon’ interconnectedness, my friend Nicki (bellachiara6) used to work with Josh, who is in a band with hotshotrobot<\/a>, who danced a cha-cha with Tricia Helfer, who has a caricature of Kevin Bacon framed on her wall. Spooky.<\/p>\n

\"000rp203\"<\/a><\/p>\n

America, FUCK YEAH.<\/p>\n

We ended up lighting many a firework off of the porch, only venturing down to street level when it was absolutely necessary. Many bottle rocket fuses were twisted together in a spectacle that would have made Whitesnake proud.<\/p>\n

Roman candles intitally proved problematic as the ground was too hard for them to be partially buried, and they clearly could not be laid flat. Eventually, we decided to risk the loss of appendages and held them while firing, chanting ‘USA! USA! USA!’ after each particularly awesome explosion. Someone (not me) suggested that we really ought to be shouting ‘China! China! China!’, which, while more accurate, is probably asking to be pelted with PBR cans.<\/p>\n

\"s640x480\"<\/a><\/p>\n

Of course, things eventually got out of hand when someone (also not me) aimed a roman candle directly at two sorority girls walking by. Now, I’m as much for shooting explosives at that sort of girl as anyone, but if you’re going to do it, you really need to make sure that they (a)can’t identify you and (b)don’t come up, asking to light explosives of their own afterwards. Someone (again, not me) screamed to stop shooting things at the ‘sweet honeys’, and this devolved into nearly everyone on the porch chanting ‘sweet honeys, sweet honeys’ in a pure moment of mob mentality.<\/p>\n

These ‘sweet honeys’ came up onto the porch and asked to light off some fireworks. One of the lightings went off without incident. The other? Well…she was handed a beer cup with two bottle rockets inside, with their fuses twisted together. Someone lit it for her, and one of the rockets shot off into the night. In ecstatic glee, she pulled the cup back towards her body…with a bottle rocket fuse still burning inside the cup. This action caused her to light her hair on fire. She screamed and started waving the cup around, pointing the still-burning-bottle at several people. There was panic on the porch as everyone scattered like cockroaches when a light is flipped on. The rocket shot off into a nearby bush, the hair was extinguished, and the sweet honeys left for safer pastures.<\/p>\n

We saved the best for last. Something called the ‘Saturn Mega Ninja Orgasm Battery Rocketface MOTHERFUCKER 2000’…something like that. And it was, as promised, pretty damn awesome.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\"fireworks\"<\/a>\nAfter the fireworks spectacles, cheeserock showed up, who was an absolute DELIGHT and I wish I could have spent more time with her. As it was, Lesley and I were in no position to drive anywhere, so I decided to go for gold and teach my liver who is the boss around these parts.<\/p>\n

The problem, for me, with getting drunk is that no matter how much I drink, I NEVER FORGET the stupid things I say or do afterwards. So, the next morning, when I woke up in the fetal position on my beanbag chair bed, I all-too-clearly recalled slurring at hotshotrobot<\/a> with a squinty eye like a surly, insane Clint Eastwood, that I thought he was very<\/em> cute, and the ‘terrified animal caught in a trap’ face he made. These are the days of our lives!<\/p>\n

It’s not that I don’t stand by my statement: He IS cute. It’s just…given the option of SAYING it and not saying it, why do I never, ever, err on the side of not saying it? Also, how is it that I can remember everything I said or did, but couldn’t remember to bring both my cell phone and my jacket back to Bristol with me? That mystery might be greater than that of the Sphinx or even the Face on Mars.<\/p>\n

Still, the party was awesome sauce. If I had known Wisconsin could be fun a few years ago, I might have stayed.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

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Furthermore, you shouldn’t DARE leave the safety of the nearest fallout shelter once the sun has… Continue reading →<\/span><\/a><\/span><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":15241,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[102],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-756","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-travel"],"yoast_head":"\nI love you like a rocket in the middle of the night • Mellzah<\/title>\n<meta name=\"robots\" content=\"index, follow, max-snippet:-1, max-image-preview:large, max-video-preview:-1\" \/>\n<link rel=\"canonical\" href=\"https:\/\/mellzah.com\/index.php\/i-love-you-like-a-rocket-in-the-middle-of-the-night\/\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:locale\" content=\"en_US\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:type\" content=\"article\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:title\" content=\"I love you like a rocket in the middle of the night • Mellzah\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:description\" content=\"July 4th isn’t so much a celebration of our shared history as it is an excuse to recreate the Battle of Iowa Jima in 1\/4th scale using gigatons of high-powered fireworks quasi-legally purchased at shady roadside stands along I-94. 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