{"id":6766,"date":"2013-12-16T10:30:55","date_gmt":"2013-12-16T18:30:55","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/mellzah.com\/?p=6766"},"modified":"2019-06-25T16:10:29","modified_gmt":"2019-06-25T23:10:29","slug":"he-can-crawl-up-through-my-toilet-any-day","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/mellzah.com\/index.php\/he-can-crawl-up-through-my-toilet-any-day\/","title":{"rendered":"Aw, he can crawl up through my toilet any day."},"content":{"rendered":"

\"gatorland\"<\/a><\/p>\n

\u00a0 After all of the stress of planning a wedding and dealing with all of the bullshit that goes along with actually HAVING a wedding (expecting someone to check the goddamned schedule we painstakingly made with addresses and directions or even to have a little common sense is like expecting someone to lick used gum: unfathomable.) the last thing we wanted was to deal with international travel, even though there are so many things we want to see and do out in the great wide world. Instead, we decided to pick the most foreign of locations possible within the United States. Someplace where the absurd seems utterly normal. Someplace with a reputation for bizarre behavior. America’s weirdest state.<\/p>\n

I’m talking, of course, about Orlando, Florida. Home to both high and low-quality theme parks, the choice seemed obvious. On our first day, we went to Gatorland. Gatorland bills itself not only as the alligator capitol of the world, but also as Orlando’s best half day attraction: not ready to compete with the big guys who offer an ENTIRE day’s worth of entertainment, Gatorland will sell you four hours of entertainment and the ability to zipline over hungry alligators like so much delicious bait. I had hoped that the operators would equip you with a blowdart to shoot at the most delicious-looking gator, which you could then have cooked to your specifications at the restaurant at the end of the series of ziplines, but apparently they don’t have anyone working there with my idea power.<\/p>\n

\"IMG_0021\"<\/a><\/p>\n

\u00a0 Ultimately, we decided to omit ziplining and make the most of the time we had available.\u00a0 Upon entering the park, there are several pits filled with young alligators, the obligatory pressed penny machine, and a number of snack bars, one of which serves fried gator nuggets. They say they don’t use their own gators, but I’m not entirely certain I believe that. Why go to the store to buy milk when you have entire pits of it at home? Since we arrived midday, we didn’t have much time to spend looking around if we wanted to make the last gator wrestling show of the day, so we headed there first. The gator wrestling show was billed as being done in “Florida cracker style” and to this day, I cannot tell you what exactly that might be. An internet search tells me that it might have something to do with turn of the century homes. You tell me! \u00a0<\/p>\n