{"id":46281,"date":"2016-02-15T09:00:00","date_gmt":"2016-02-15T17:00:00","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/mellzah.com\/?p=46281"},"modified":"2019-06-20T21:27:30","modified_gmt":"2019-06-21T04:27:30","slug":"new-orleans-home-of-pirates-drunks-and-whores-new-orleans-tacky-overpriced-souvenir-stores","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/mellzah.com\/index.php\/new-orleans-home-of-pirates-drunks-and-whores-new-orleans-tacky-overpriced-souvenir-stores\/","title":{"rendered":"New Orleans! Home of pirates, drunks, and whores! New Orleans! Tacky overpriced souvenir stores!"},"content":{"rendered":"<p><iframe loading=\"lazy\" title=\"&quot;Oh, Streetcar!&quot; from &quot;The Simpsons&quot;\" width=\"740\" height=\"555\" src=\"https:\/\/www.youtube.com\/embed\/fVmBtNaDXQg?feature=oembed\" frameborder=\"0\" allow=\"accelerometer; autoplay; encrypted-media; gyroscope; picture-in-picture\" allowfullscreen><\/iframe><\/p>\n<p>When I was in my early twenties, I would have loved Bourbon Street. I would have definitely reveled in the seediness with a Huge Ass Beer(tm) in each hand, a poboy strapped between my boobs, and I would have offered bites of the sandwich to anyone in exchange for strings of tacky plastic beads, plus I probably would have come home with at least six new t-shirts with slogans ranging from mildly suggestive to banned in three states. Now that I&#8217;m older, saggier, significantly less rock &#8216;n&#8217; roll, and way more possessive of my sandwiches, Bourbon Street doesn&#8217;t really do it for me. Every morning, the streets are literally hosed off from the previous night&#8217;s debauchery, and the smell that arises from said hosing can only be described as the scent of bad decision making.<\/p>\n<p>\u00a0 <a href=\"https:\/\/mellzah.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2016\/02\/horse-hitching-post.jpg\" rel=\"attachment wp-att-46871\"><img loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-46871\" src=\"https:\/\/mellzah.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2016\/02\/horse-hitching-post.jpg\" alt=\"horse hitching post\" width=\"650\" height=\"365\" srcset=\"https:\/\/mellzah.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2016\/02\/horse-hitching-post.jpg 650w, https:\/\/mellzah.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2016\/02\/horse-hitching-post-300x168.jpg 300w, https:\/\/mellzah.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2016\/02\/horse-hitching-post-500x281.jpg 500w\" sizes=\"auto, (max-width: 650px) 100vw, 650px\" \/><\/a><\/p>\n<p><a href=\"https:\/\/mellzah.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2016\/02\/napoleons-itch.jpg\" rel=\"attachment wp-att-46931\"><img loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-46931\" src=\"https:\/\/mellzah.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2016\/02\/napoleons-itch.jpg\" alt=\"napoleons itch\" width=\"650\" height=\"365\" srcset=\"https:\/\/mellzah.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2016\/02\/napoleons-itch.jpg 650w, https:\/\/mellzah.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2016\/02\/napoleons-itch-300x168.jpg 300w, https:\/\/mellzah.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2016\/02\/napoleons-itch-500x281.jpg 500w\" sizes=\"auto, (max-width: 650px) 100vw, 650px\" \/><\/a><\/p>\n<p><a href=\"https:\/\/mellzah.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2016\/02\/wrought-iron-veranda.jpg\" rel=\"attachment wp-att-46881\"><img loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-46881\" src=\"https:\/\/mellzah.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2016\/02\/wrought-iron-veranda.jpg\" alt=\"wrought iron veranda\" width=\"650\" height=\"365\" srcset=\"https:\/\/mellzah.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2016\/02\/wrought-iron-veranda.jpg 650w, https:\/\/mellzah.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2016\/02\/wrought-iron-veranda-300x168.jpg 300w, https:\/\/mellzah.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2016\/02\/wrought-iron-veranda-500x281.jpg 500w\" sizes=\"auto, (max-width: 650px) 100vw, 650px\" \/><\/a><\/p>\n<p>&nbsp;<\/p>\n<p><a href=\"https:\/\/mellzah.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2016\/02\/buggy-outside-lafittes.jpg\" rel=\"attachment wp-att-46901\"><img loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-46901\" src=\"https:\/\/mellzah.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2016\/02\/buggy-outside-lafittes.jpg\" alt=\"buggy outside lafittes\" width=\"650\" height=\"365\" srcset=\"https:\/\/mellzah.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2016\/02\/buggy-outside-lafittes.jpg 650w, https:\/\/mellzah.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2016\/02\/buggy-outside-lafittes-300x168.jpg 300w, https:\/\/mellzah.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2016\/02\/buggy-outside-lafittes-500x281.jpg 500w\" sizes=\"auto, (max-width: 650px) 100vw, 650px\" \/><\/a><\/p>\n<p>It could be solely that <em>I<\/em> am older and more cynical, but especially during daylight hours, it feels like every tagline on Bourbon could be followed by &#8220;&#8230;you assholes!&#8221; &#8220;Pizza by the slice&#8230;you assholes!&#8221; &#8220;Huge Ass Beers&#8230;you assholes!&#8221; &#8220;Barely Legal Club&#8230;you assholes!&#8221; &#8220;Put some spice in your life&#8230;you assholes!&#8221;\u00a0 &#8220;Balcony upstairs party party party&#8230;you assholes!&#8221; &#8220;Home of the hand grenade&#8230;you assholes!&#8221; Even the stuff that&#8217;s sold as sincere is kind of bullshitty. Take Lafitte&#8217;s Blacksmith Shop, for one. It&#8217;s advertised as the oldest bar in the United States, a <em>pirate<\/em> bar, and it is a pretty old bar, but not the oldest&#8211;it wasn&#8217;t a bar at the same time it was an actual blacksmith shop. They also claim that the Lafitte brothers (the pirates in question) <a href=\"http:\/\/www.lafittesblacksmithshop.com\/AboutUs.html\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener noreferrer\">used the place as a base for their smuggling operations between 1772 and 1791<\/a>. However, the elder Lafitte didn&#8217;t even come to Louisiana until <a href=\"https:\/\/en.wikipedia.org\/wiki\/Pierre_Lafitte#cite_ref-davis7_8-0\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener noreferrer\">1803<\/a>. And then there&#8217;s the faux aging on the outside of the building, which makes it look less authentically old and more like a pirate bar as built by Disney. The only thing I would buy as being authentically old in the building is the bathroom, which will sincerely make you regret breaking the seal on your bladder with the aforementioned Huge Ass Beer&#8230;you asshole.<\/p>\n<p><a href=\"https:\/\/mellzah.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2016\/02\/lafittes-blacksmith-shop-exterior.jpg\" rel=\"attachment wp-att-46911\"><img loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-46911\" src=\"https:\/\/mellzah.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2016\/02\/lafittes-blacksmith-shop-exterior.jpg\" alt=\"lafittes blacksmith shop exterior\" width=\"650\" height=\"365\" srcset=\"https:\/\/mellzah.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2016\/02\/lafittes-blacksmith-shop-exterior.jpg 650w, https:\/\/mellzah.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2016\/02\/lafittes-blacksmith-shop-exterior-300x168.jpg 300w, https:\/\/mellzah.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2016\/02\/lafittes-blacksmith-shop-exterior-500x281.jpg 500w\" sizes=\"auto, (max-width: 650px) 100vw, 650px\" \/><\/a><\/p>\n<p><a href=\"https:\/\/mellzah.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2016\/02\/lafittes-blacksmith-shop.jpg\" rel=\"attachment wp-att-46921\"><img loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-46921\" src=\"https:\/\/mellzah.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2016\/02\/lafittes-blacksmith-shop.jpg\" alt=\"lafittes blacksmith shop\" width=\"650\" height=\"365\" srcset=\"https:\/\/mellzah.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2016\/02\/lafittes-blacksmith-shop.jpg 650w, https:\/\/mellzah.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2016\/02\/lafittes-blacksmith-shop-300x168.jpg 300w, https:\/\/mellzah.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2016\/02\/lafittes-blacksmith-shop-500x281.jpg 500w\" sizes=\"auto, (max-width: 650px) 100vw, 650px\" \/><\/a><\/p>\n<p><a href=\"https:\/\/mellzah.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2016\/02\/beer-at-lafittes.jpg\" rel=\"attachment wp-att-46891\"><img loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-46891\" src=\"https:\/\/mellzah.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2016\/02\/beer-at-lafittes.jpg\" alt=\"beer at lafittes\" width=\"650\" height=\"867\" srcset=\"https:\/\/mellzah.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2016\/02\/beer-at-lafittes.jpg 650w, https:\/\/mellzah.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2016\/02\/beer-at-lafittes-225x300.jpg 225w, https:\/\/mellzah.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2016\/02\/beer-at-lafittes-500x667.jpg 500w\" sizes=\"auto, (max-width: 650px) 100vw, 650px\" \/><\/a><\/p>\n<p><a href=\"https:\/\/mellzah.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2016\/02\/nola-poboys.jpg\" rel=\"attachment wp-att-46851\"><img loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-46851\" src=\"https:\/\/mellzah.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2016\/02\/nola-poboys.jpg\" alt=\"nola poboys\" width=\"650\" height=\"867\" srcset=\"https:\/\/mellzah.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2016\/02\/nola-poboys.jpg 650w, https:\/\/mellzah.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2016\/02\/nola-poboys-225x300.jpg 225w, https:\/\/mellzah.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2016\/02\/nola-poboys-500x667.jpg 500w\" sizes=\"auto, (max-width: 650px) 100vw, 650px\" \/><\/a><\/p>\n<p>Which isn&#8217;t to say that dreams don&#8217;t come true on Bourbon Street or that nothing good happens there. I was meeting up with friends to take a tour nearby, so we decided to grab lunch at NOLA Poboys on Bourbon beforehand. They actually didn&#8217;t have a permit for their deep fryer at the time (waiting on a visit from the fire department) so anything that would normally be fried on their menu was unavailable&#8211;which I was totally fine with because I do occasionally eat things that <em>haven&#8217;t<\/em> been deep fried.<\/p>\n<p>I ordered a hot ham and beef sandwich, and while the sandwich itself was delicious, the truly wonderful thing happened in the wake of the sandwich, when I went to wash off the gravy that had dripped down to my elbows. You see, ever since I <a href=\"https:\/\/mellzah.com\/index.php\/and-to-drink-meatballs\/\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener noreferrer\">first encountered one of those super powerful hand dryers<\/a> that flap the skin on the backs of your hands around like it&#8217;s trying to push it aside and dry you at the mitochondrial level, I have wanted to stick my stomach under one and see what happens. The problem is, these dryers are always right out in the open, so you never really get a level of privacy that&#8217;s particularly conducive to this type of scientific experiment. However, the bathroom at NOLA Poboys was an all-in-one unit, complete with super hand dryer, and thus, science could happen.<\/p>\n<p><a href=\"https:\/\/mellzah.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2016\/02\/blubber.gif\" rel=\"attachment wp-att-46961\"><img loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-46961\" src=\"https:\/\/mellzah.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2016\/02\/blubber.gif\" alt=\"blubber\" width=\"500\" height=\"375\" \/><\/a><\/p>\n<p>&#8230;As my gut whipped around like the Blob caught in a freak tornado, I may have shed a tear composed of 90% joy, 10% shame. Bourbon Street is truly a magical place.<\/p>\n<p>&nbsp;<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>When I was in my early twenties, I would have loved Bourbon Street. I would have definitely reveled in the seediness with a Huge Ass Beer(tm) in each hand, a poboy strapped between my boobs, and I would have offered bites of the sandwich to anyone in exchange for strings of tacky plastic beads, plus&#8230; <span class=\"more\"><a class=\"more-link\" href=\"https:\/\/mellzah.com\/index.php\/new-orleans-home-of-pirates-drunks-and-whores-new-orleans-tacky-overpriced-souvenir-stores\/\">Continue reading <span class=\"meta-nav\">&#8594;<\/span><\/a><\/span><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":46871,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[413,513,102,223],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-46281","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-louisiana","category-south","category-travel","category-usa"],"yoast_head":"<!-- This site is optimized with the Yoast SEO plugin v26.0 - https:\/\/yoast.com\/wordpress\/plugins\/seo\/ -->\n<title>New Orleans! Home of pirates, drunks, and whores! New Orleans! Tacky overpriced souvenir stores! &#8226; Mellzah<\/title>\n<meta name=\"robots\" content=\"index, follow, max-snippet:-1, max-image-preview:large, max-video-preview:-1\" \/>\n<link rel=\"canonical\" href=\"https:\/\/mellzah.com\/index.php\/new-orleans-home-of-pirates-drunks-and-whores-new-orleans-tacky-overpriced-souvenir-stores\/\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:locale\" content=\"en_US\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:type\" content=\"article\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:title\" content=\"New Orleans! Home of pirates, drunks, and whores! New Orleans! Tacky overpriced souvenir stores! &#8226; Mellzah\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:description\" content=\"When I was in my early twenties, I would have loved Bourbon Street. I would have definitely reveled in the seediness with a Huge Ass Beer(tm) in each hand, a poboy strapped between my boobs, and I would have offered bites of the sandwich to anyone in exchange for strings of tacky plastic beads, plus... Continue reading &#8594;\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:url\" content=\"https:\/\/mellzah.com\/index.php\/new-orleans-home-of-pirates-drunks-and-whores-new-orleans-tacky-overpriced-souvenir-stores\/\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:site_name\" content=\"Mellzah\" \/>\n<meta property=\"article:published_time\" content=\"2016-02-15T17:00:00+00:00\" \/>\n<meta property=\"article:modified_time\" content=\"2019-06-21T04:27:30+00:00\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:image\" content=\"https:\/\/mellzah.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2016\/02\/horse-hitching-post.jpg\" \/>\n\t<meta property=\"og:image:width\" content=\"650\" \/>\n\t<meta property=\"og:image:height\" content=\"365\" \/>\n\t<meta property=\"og:image:type\" content=\"image\/jpeg\" \/>\n<meta name=\"author\" content=\"Mellzah\" \/>\n<meta name=\"twitter:card\" content=\"summary_large_image\" \/>\n<meta name=\"twitter:label1\" content=\"Written by\" \/>\n\t<meta name=\"twitter:data1\" content=\"Mellzah\" \/>\n\t<meta name=\"twitter:label2\" content=\"Est. reading time\" \/>\n\t<meta name=\"twitter:data2\" content=\"3 minutes\" \/>\n<script type=\"application\/ld+json\" class=\"yoast-schema-graph\">{\"@context\":\"https:\/\/schema.org\",\"@graph\":[{\"@type\":\"Article\",\"@id\":\"https:\/\/mellzah.com\/index.php\/new-orleans-home-of-pirates-drunks-and-whores-new-orleans-tacky-overpriced-souvenir-stores\/#article\",\"isPartOf\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/mellzah.com\/index.php\/new-orleans-home-of-pirates-drunks-and-whores-new-orleans-tacky-overpriced-souvenir-stores\/\"},\"author\":{\"name\":\"Mellzah\",\"@id\":\"https:\/\/mellzah.com\/#\/schema\/person\/258c4539d7cbedab130a65a66e1cd143\"},\"headline\":\"New Orleans! 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