{"id":1622,"date":"2010-03-04T11:19:00","date_gmt":"2010-03-04T11:19:00","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/mellzah.com\/?p=1622"},"modified":"2011-07-03T00:56:43","modified_gmt":"2011-07-03T00:56:43","slug":"an-open-letter-to-bananas","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/mellzah.com\/index.php\/an-open-letter-to-bananas\/","title":{"rendered":"An Open Letter to Bananas"},"content":{"rendered":"

<\/p>\n

Dear Bananas,<\/p>\n

I’m breaking up with you. I just can’t take the abuse anymore. You remember our morning tryst a few weeks ago? All day I was miserable, focused on my pain, like someone with enormous hands was reaching inside my torso and forciby twisting my guts. But I didn’t blame you, Bananas. I blamed Pizza, with whom I’d had a short fling the evening prior. Everyone said you were so good for me, Bananas, that you made me a better person by enriching my life. How could I blame you?<\/p>\n

Well, this morning, I’m sure you remember that we did our thing again, and since we were exclusive, I have no one else to blame for the pain I currently feel. The pain that makes me clutch my stomach and pray for death. How could you do this to me? I loved you!<\/p>\n

Fuck you, Bananas. We are breaking up forever. Your yellow skin and rich potassium content hold no allure for me. I will also ignore your contributions to one of the finest sandwiches ever created. Don’t call me anymore. Especially not on the fucking Bananaphone.<\/p>\n

No love,<\/p>\n

Mellzah Dildarian<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Dear Bananas, I’m breaking up with you. I just can’t take the abuse anymore. You remember our morning tryst a few weeks ago? All day I was miserable, focused on my pain, like someone with enormous hands was reaching inside my torso and forciby twisting my guts. But I didn’t blame you, Bananas. I blamed… Continue reading →<\/span><\/a><\/span><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":5277,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[114],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-1622","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-everything-is-terrible"],"yoast_head":"\nAn Open Letter to Bananas • Mellzah<\/title>\n<meta name=\"robots\" content=\"index, follow, max-snippet:-1, max-image-preview:large, max-video-preview:-1\" \/>\n<link rel=\"canonical\" href=\"https:\/\/mellzah.com\/index.php\/an-open-letter-to-bananas\/\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:locale\" content=\"en_US\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:type\" content=\"article\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:title\" content=\"An Open Letter to Bananas • Mellzah\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:description\" content=\"Dear Bananas, I’m breaking up with you. I just can’t take the abuse anymore. You remember our morning tryst a few weeks ago? All day I was miserable, focused on my pain, like someone with enormous hands was reaching inside my torso and forciby twisting my guts. But I didn’t blame you, Bananas. I blamed... 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