{"id":1599,"date":"2010-02-11T11:18:00","date_gmt":"2010-02-11T11:18:00","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/mellzah.com\/?p=1599"},"modified":"2011-07-02T22:16:16","modified_gmt":"2011-07-02T22:16:16","slug":"can-we-look-in-our-little-red-boxes-ladies-get-out-your-mirrors","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/mellzah.com\/index.php\/can-we-look-in-our-little-red-boxes-ladies-get-out-your-mirrors\/","title":{"rendered":"“Can we look in our little red boxes?” “Ladies, get out your mirrors!”"},"content":{"rendered":"

Two days until Valentine’s Day and the majority of the straight male population is thinking about vagina: Will they get some? How over-the-top-ridiculous do they have to behave to not be banished to the couch? Will she notice if I wrap up some Halloween candy in newspaper? No seriously, will they get some?<\/p>\n

Ladies: I propose that you give vagina some thought, too, particularly<\/i> if you don’t have enough other flaws to obsess over. <\/p>\n

<\/p>\n

Is it pink enough<\/a>? A dye job might be in order if you want to have the appeal of pre-necrotic Marilyn!<\/p>\n

Are you neat and trimmed<\/a>? Have you considered a design? Perhaps a sweet little heart or for the more swaggery among you, a bitchin’ set of mutton chops?<\/p>\n

Is it as fresh and youthful feeling as your face? Is it time to schedule a Vajacial<\/a>? This anti-aging treatment will keep your business from looking like Dumbo’s trunk.<\/p>\n

While you’re in the area, anal bleaching is all the rage and will really demonstrate to your man (and the press and your peers if you are Britney Spears) that you’re willing to go the extra mile<\/strike>inch to be aesthetically pleasing.<\/p>\n

Last but not least, it’s too late to surprise your man with a designer vagina or a restitched hymen this year<\/i> (during the healing process, it’s apt to look like your cooter went six rounds with Tyson) but it’s never too early to book for next year! Hopefully by this time next year, I can get speakers installed so that when I whip off my panties, the low rumbling tones of Barry White will emanate pleasingly from my ladybusiness. I will call it my vajayPod. <\/p>\n

With it all tricked out like an amusement park, an admittance price of flowers doesn’t seem particularly high, does it?<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Two days until Valentine’s Day and the majority of the straight male population is thinking about vagina: Will they get some? How over-the-top-ridiculous do they have to behave to not be banished to the couch? Will she notice if I wrap up some Halloween candy in newspaper? No seriously, will they get some? Ladies: I… Continue reading →<\/span><\/a><\/span><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":5138,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[114],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-1599","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-everything-is-terrible"],"yoast_head":"\n"Can we look in our little red boxes?" 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