{"id":1516,"date":"2009-11-16T15:06:00","date_gmt":"2009-11-16T15:06:00","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/mellzah.com\/?p=1516"},"modified":"2014-01-30T17:32:27","modified_gmt":"2014-01-31T01:32:27","slug":"i-know-you-have-a-fucked-up-idea-of-animal-husbandry","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/mellzah.com\/index.php\/i-know-you-have-a-fucked-up-idea-of-animal-husbandry\/","title":{"rendered":"“I know you have a fucked-up idea of animal husbandry!”"},"content":{"rendered":"

\"\"<\/p>\n

On Friday, I had some of my favorite people in the world over for Blood & Guts & Punch & Pie III: Victor Bloodenstein’s Revenge. For the third and final installment this year, I selected ‘Black Sheep’, which I’ve seen before<\/a> (the horror genre is overrun with so much garbage that it’s important to pick at least ONE thing you know is genuinely entertaining). Then I realized–I’ve thrown several (two this year and one the year before) Friday the 13th parties already and had not yet shown a Friday the 13th movie. Sure, we COULD go for the original, a horror classic, widely acclaimed…but it wouldn’t be a party if I couldn’t get the people I adore to watch the TRUE horror of JASON IN SPACE.<\/p>\n

So, no shit, the premise is that because Jason is an unstoppable killing machine, the only way to safely contain him was to put him in cryogenic stasis…in space. Then, 400 years from now, SOMETHING happens (I will admit to maybe being over-ginned at this point), and he gets picked up by a spaceship of the future staffed by young coeds in cutoffs and halter tops. I, for one, do not think that a self-respecting scientist would show that much skin when performing an autopsy, but what do I know?<\/p>\n

Anyway, Captain<\/span>Doctor Tube Top took Jason’s machete at some point, and then after he magically reanimated, he found a new, space machete. With speed holes. What purpose does a machete serve in space? Aside from fashioning yourself more cutoffs from boring space pants, of course.<\/p>\n

There was only one scene in this movie that made it worth watching, and it is one of the greatest movie killing sequences of all time. Seriously. Someone’s robot girlfriend (again, not paying all that much attention and also sort of boozed up) creates a hologram of Camp Crystal Lake, complete with two sexy hologram campers who take off their tops, profess to love premarital sex, and then climb into sleeping bags and giggle; when it cuts back to this scene, Jason is using one girl in a sleeping bag to beat the other girl in the sleeping bag to death, and then smacks the sleeping bag girl he’s using as a weapon against a tree for good measure.<\/p>\n

\"kill10b-1\"<\/a><\/p>\n

Kind of brings a tear to your eye, doesn’t it?<\/p>\n

Next Blood & Guts & Punch & Pie will be in August 2010!<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

On Friday, I had some of my favorite people in the world over for Blood & Guts & Punch & Pie III: Victor Bloodenstein’s Revenge. For the third and final installment this year, I selected ‘Black Sheep’, which I’ve seen before (the horror genre is overrun with so much garbage that it’s important to pick… Continue reading →<\/span><\/a><\/span><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":15931,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[105,103],"tags":[120],"class_list":["post-1516","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-movies","category-reviews","tag-monster-movie"],"yoast_head":"\n"I know you have a fucked-up idea of animal husbandry!" • Mellzah<\/title>\n<meta name=\"robots\" content=\"index, follow, max-snippet:-1, max-image-preview:large, max-video-preview:-1\" \/>\n<link rel=\"canonical\" href=\"https:\/\/mellzah.com\/index.php\/i-know-you-have-a-fucked-up-idea-of-animal-husbandry\/\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:locale\" content=\"en_US\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:type\" content=\"article\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:title\" content=\""I know you have a fucked-up idea of animal husbandry!" • Mellzah\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:description\" content=\"On Friday, I had some of my favorite people in the world over for Blood & Guts & Punch & Pie III: Victor Bloodenstein’s Revenge. For the third and final installment this year, I selected ‘Black Sheep’, which I’ve seen before (the horror genre is overrun with so much garbage that it’s important to pick... 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