{"id":1205,"date":"2005-11-23T14:20:00","date_gmt":"2005-11-23T14:20:00","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/mellzah.com\/?p=1205"},"modified":"2014-01-29T11:40:01","modified_gmt":"2014-01-29T19:40:01","slug":"i-attract-the-mentally-disturbed-and-suburban-kids","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/mellzah.com\/index.php\/i-attract-the-mentally-disturbed-and-suburban-kids\/","title":{"rendered":"I attract the mentally disturbed and suburban kids."},"content":{"rendered":"

Last night I was at Pegasus, singing and having a good time. This guy in a wheelchair rolls up behind me and starts telling me about his idea for a nationwide karaoke competition, basically seeing which bar has the best singers. He wants to turn it into a reality<\/em> show. What a crock of shit.<\/p>\n

But I smile and nod, and smile and nod, and all of a sudden he starts saying all of these suggestive, horrifying things. (And realize, I was too horrified to say anything, I was trapped in my bar stool by his wheelchair, and he would NOT SHUT UP, so these are excerpts from a much longer, much more humiliating diatribe.) Stuff like:<\/p>\n

“You got a big ‘ol ass, and I like that shit, more cushion to push back what I’m packin’, and I’ve got a 9-incher, baby.” (Gee, thanks!)<\/p>\n

“I don’t even know you and I feel a connection with you. This could be the love of a lifetime, boo, a love connection like Chuck Woolery and shit.” (Like Chuck Woolery….and shit. Yeah, that’s about how I’d describe it.)<\/p>\n

“I just want to tie you up, squirt whipped cream in your pussy and lick it out.” (eww, I think I just threw up a little bit in my mouth while typing that.)<\/p>\n

“I’m 35, boo, I’m too old for games, I got three kids, one 15, one 16, and one 17, ain’t no man gonna treat you like I’d treat you, you ain’t gonna have a good time with no one else like you would with me.” (WTF? WTF? WTF?)<\/p>\n

He got pissed off when I wouldn’t give him my phone number, and demanded I write his down. Just then Scott showed up and saved me. Looks like I can’t go to the bar anymore without backup, ffs.<\/p>\n

Oh, and whoops, I accidentally lost his number on the way home. Darn!<\/p>\n

Seriously, though, WHAT THE FUCK? Where do these people COME FROM? And why do they ALWAYS FIND ME?<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Last night I was at Pegasus, singing and having a good time. This guy in a wheelchair rolls up behind me and starts telling me about his idea for a nationwide karaoke competition, basically seeing which bar has the best singers. He wants to turn it into a reality show. What a crock of shit…. Continue reading →<\/span><\/a><\/span><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[114],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-1205","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-everything-is-terrible"],"yoast_head":"\nI attract the mentally disturbed and suburban kids. • Mellzah<\/title>\n<meta name=\"robots\" content=\"index, follow, max-snippet:-1, max-image-preview:large, max-video-preview:-1\" \/>\n<link rel=\"canonical\" href=\"https:\/\/mellzah.com\/index.php\/i-attract-the-mentally-disturbed-and-suburban-kids\/\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:locale\" content=\"en_US\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:type\" content=\"article\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:title\" content=\"I attract the mentally disturbed and suburban kids. • Mellzah\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:description\" content=\"Last night I was at Pegasus, singing and having a good time. 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