{"id":1030,"date":"2008-05-23T10:47:00","date_gmt":"2008-05-23T10:47:00","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/mellzah.com\/?p=1030"},"modified":"2011-07-01T21:44:52","modified_gmt":"2011-07-01T21:44:52","slug":"an-open-letter-to-funcom","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/mellzah.com\/index.php\/an-open-letter-to-funcom\/","title":{"rendered":"An Open Letter to Funcom"},"content":{"rendered":"

Dear Funcom,<\/p>\n

As the developer of the highly-anticipated Age of Conan, I feel that you should take a good look at the below screenshot:<\/p>\n

\"\"<\/p>\n

In case you cannot read the text, it goes:<\/p>\n

“I am Sancha, mistress of the Bearded Clam – the finest whorehouse in Tortage! Loveliest girls, strongest boys…Or have you come to ask me of the Hall of the Black Ones? I know where it lies on White Sands Isle. I was there once, with no less a personage than King Conan, and the memories still ravage my sleep.”<\/p>\n

FIRE YOUR WRITERS NOW. Also, fire whomever had final dialogue approval. “I am Sancha”–oh cute, an Orgazmo reference. “The Bearded Clam”–oh tee hee, how subtle! “The memories still ravage my sleep”–THAT DOESN’T EVEN MAKE SENSE.<\/p>\n

The only place you’ll read or hear asstacular dialogue like this is in a video game. Even PORN DIALOGUE is more realistic. No wonder people can’t take games seriously as art–when you write like horny, inexperienced fantasy dorks, it shows<\/em>.<\/p>\n

So please, get with the firing.<\/p>\n

Love,<\/p>\n

Mellzah<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Dear Funcom, As the developer of the highly-anticipated Age of Conan, I feel that you should take a good look at the below screenshot: In case you cannot read the text, it goes: “I am Sancha, mistress of the Bearded Clam – the finest whorehouse in Tortage! Loveliest girls, strongest boys…Or have you come to… Continue reading →<\/span><\/a><\/span><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":4596,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[106,103],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-1030","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-games","category-reviews"],"yoast_head":"\nAn Open Letter to Funcom • Mellzah<\/title>\n<meta name=\"robots\" content=\"index, follow, max-snippet:-1, max-image-preview:large, max-video-preview:-1\" \/>\n<link rel=\"canonical\" href=\"https:\/\/mellzah.com\/index.php\/an-open-letter-to-funcom\/\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:locale\" content=\"en_US\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:type\" content=\"article\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:title\" content=\"An Open Letter to Funcom • Mellzah\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:description\" content=\"Dear Funcom, As the developer of the highly-anticipated Age of Conan, I feel that you should take a good look at the below screenshot: In case you cannot read the text, it goes: “I am Sancha, mistress of the Bearded Clam – the finest whorehouse in Tortage! 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