{"id":1025,"date":"2008-05-19T10:25:00","date_gmt":"2008-05-19T10:25:00","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/mellzah.com\/?p=1025"},"modified":"2011-07-02T19:43:12","modified_gmt":"2011-07-02T19:43:12","slug":"i-eat-babies","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/mellzah.com\/index.php\/i-eat-babies\/","title":{"rendered":"I EAT BABIES"},"content":{"rendered":"

I have now officially entered the point in my life where my friends are having babies, as evidenced by the not one, but TWO baby showers I attended on Saturday, and the several more over the last month that I was unable to attend and a couple MORE over the next month that I’m totally going to skip out on (SHHHHHHHHHHHHH). It’s not that I don’t love my friends. It’s not that I’m not happy for them. It’s just….how much time do you think YOU can devote to ‘ooohing’ and ‘aaaahing’ over tiny clothes? Take that number and divide it by five, and that’s about my level of baby tolerance.<\/p>\n

Plus, this is exactly the sort of idiocy I hate contending with:<\/p>\n

<\/p>\n

Really? Diapers for a baby<\/em> at Babies R Us? You’re shitting me<\/em>.<\/p>\n

And the HENS who attend those showers, all broody and clucking and bawking about all sorts of things no decent person cares to hear about, like their scrapbooking fetishes and intimate details about their sex lives, bearing in mind, of course, that you’ve never MET THEM BEFORE and, OH YEAH, NEVER ASKED THEM ABOUT THOSE THINGS.<\/p>\n

So, what I’m going to need from at least five friends is a sworn affadavit stating that they do not intend to have children, for, say, at least five more years. Notarization is appreciated but not required.<\/p>\n

I, _________, do hereby swear to remain baby-free for a period extending to at least five years hence, because my friend Melissa is totally a selfish you-know-what and doesn’t want to share me. I am aware of how babies are made and understand the necessary precautions. I further understand that if I HAVE a baby during this five year period, I am not to ask ‘auntie’ Melissa to baby-sit, for the safety of both her and the baby.<\/em><\/p>\n

Signed on the ______ day of _______, ______<\/p>\n

<\/em><\/p>\n

__________________<\/em><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

I have now officially entered the point in my life where my friends are having babies, as evidenced by the not one, but TWO baby showers I attended on Saturday, and the several more over the last month that I was unable to attend and a couple MORE over the next month that I’m totally… Continue reading →<\/span><\/a><\/span><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":5073,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[114],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-1025","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-everything-is-terrible"],"yoast_head":"\nI EAT BABIES • Mellzah<\/title>\n<meta name=\"robots\" content=\"index, follow, max-snippet:-1, max-image-preview:large, max-video-preview:-1\" \/>\n<link rel=\"canonical\" href=\"https:\/\/mellzah.com\/index.php\/i-eat-babies\/\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:locale\" content=\"en_US\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:type\" content=\"article\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:title\" content=\"I EAT BABIES • Mellzah\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:description\" content=\"I have now officially entered the point in my life where my friends are having babies, as evidenced by the not one, but TWO baby showers I attended on Saturday, and the several more over the last month that I was unable to attend and a couple MORE over the next month that I’m totally... 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