{"id":1006,"date":"2005-08-12T23:28:00","date_gmt":"2005-08-12T23:28:00","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/mellzah.com\/?p=1006"},"modified":"2015-03-10T15:15:28","modified_gmt":"2015-03-10T22:15:28","slug":"i-call-shenanigans","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/mellzah.com\/index.php\/i-call-shenanigans\/","title":{"rendered":"I call shenanigans!"},"content":{"rendered":"

For a while I’d been planning on using this resignation letter when I quit working at GC:<\/p>\n

Dear Guitar Center Coworkers,<\/p>\n

After an appropriate period of deliberation, I have come to the decision to tender my resignation from Guitar Center, effective August 10, 2005.<\/p>\n

Please know that I still maintain a high level of respect for Clive Ford as a manager and colleague, and I thank him sincerely for the support and assistance he has offered me in each of those roles. I have been proud to work for Guitar Center over the past 10 months; it has been a journey that has provided me an unparalleled foundation to move forward to new and exciting opportunities.<\/p>\n

As such, I have decided to become a professional pirate. It has always been a dream of mine to live the life of a swashbuckling corsair, beholden to none and master of all I survey. Once my crew of unabashed rogues is assembled, we shall take to the capacious expanse of the high seas to pursue fortune, fame, and hair-raising adventure.<\/p>\n

Our path may not be filled with the porcine comforts and technological marvels that Guitar Center provides, but we shall nonetheless move forward to carve a name for ourselves in the annals of bold insurgency and death-defying derring-do. Once I have a keen blade at my hip and the Jolly Roger is flapping high above me, I believe I will find my true calling.<\/p>\n

Please note that I am currently accepting applications for First Officer, if you are at all interested in applying. I will provide a full medical and dental plan, which will offer immediate coverage of all maladies other than scurvy and the occasional bout of rickets.<\/p>\n

Sincerely<\/p>\n

Melissa\n760.224.9611<\/p>\n

I didn’t have the giant brass balls it would take to just drop that on my boss’ desk with no further explanation, so I explained to him in person the truth about why I was leaving GC. However, I was determined to use this letter regardless. It’s fairly standard that every douchebag that quits GC sends an email to the district in addition to his\/her own store, filled with the same trite “I learned so much, GC is awesome, YOU’RE ALL AWESOME, Peace out T-Dawg (you the man!), stay cool Shelly B” crap, which means nothing to anyone except the people Douchebag happens to be mentioning. 99% of the time, no one on the receiving end even knows WHO the person is that’s leaving.<\/p>\n

I decided to take this a step further and send mine chainwide. To every person in 150+ stores across the nation. To every level of corporate management. To over some 6,000 people, all told. Not only is the letter clever in its own right, but it’s also a subtle dig at everyone who ever intended on sending out one of the aforementioned Douchebag emails.<\/p>\n

Corporate had, of course, placed safeguards to keep people like me from doing exactly this. A level 6, I could only approve sending email to my entire store and the accessories and book manager lists I belonged to–no further. The only people approved to send mail that all-encompassing are level 8s or above–in other words, our highest assistant manager or our store manager. I certainly wasn’t going to ask Clive, so I settled my sights on Ian. Ian, as my more attentive and long-time readers will recall, is the assistant manager who attempted to punish me for being late and had it thrown back in his face. <\/a>\nThis was my last opportunity to, ahem, repay him for trying to make an example of me. I knew he wouldn’t read past the first line or so because reading takes effort and brain cells. While it’s hard to be right ALL the time (no one likes a know-it-all), it worked out in my favor this time as he just glanced at the screen and sent it on its merry way. I started laughing maniacally as I am wont to do, and Ian sort of screwed up his face and said “I should have read that first, huh?” HAR HAR. The beauty of the approval system is that any negative flak is directed at the approver, not at the composer of the message.<\/p>\n

Within minutes I recieved my first phone message. Email started flooding in. The truth has been realized: Everyone loves pirates and wants to be one.<\/p>\n

Dear Melissa-\nWell it sounds like you’re on the right track. Good luck on the seas, and if you wanna swing by the desert here and take me along for the ride, I’ll be happy to help you plunder and pillage, and then we can sing songs about whisky and dead men’s chests. Fare thee well, Cpt.\nBrandor the Destroyer @154<\/p>\n

I wanna be a pirate!!!!!!!! What are the requirements?????\nPaul @447<\/p>\n

I’m in.\nJon @816<\/p>\n

Melissa,\nThat’s probably the most inspiring letter of resignation I’ve ever read. Quitting an all encompassing store such as any of the Guitar Centers, in hopes of replacing your surroundings with the exact opposite vibe, (peace and quiet, open air, higher ‘ceilings’) is probably whta I spend most of my time here wishing about. The piracy would probably be an added bonus, what with all the rum, and constant swordplay.<\/p>\n

Anyway, I hope you are totally serious, and I wish I wasn’t on the east coast, sucked into ‘6-days-mandatory-August’ nonsense.<\/p>\n

word!\nNikhil @832<\/p>\n

Genius…you should be a writer.\nTyler @810<\/p>\n

That’s the weirdest email ever.\nJason @446<\/p>\n

I can swab the decks…\nIsaac @446<\/p>\n

Definately interested, grandfather was a sailor I grew up on the ocean, would love nothing more, feel free to call with with details.\nxxx-438-2708 cell\nxxx-891-5777 store\nAdam\nD.M. @510 Audio<\/p>\n

**************************************\nApplication\n**************************************\nPosition applied for: First Officer<\/p>\n

Desired Salary: Several schillings a week plus yo ho ho and a bottle rum<\/p>\n

Experience: Absolutely none. In fact I tend to get a little sea sick.<\/p>\n

Special Qualifications: Well I have an eye patch and a parrot who sits on my shoulder asking for crackers.<\/p>\n

Michael @845<\/p>\n

Do you have stairs in your house?\nBenjamin @762\n Yes, I don’t get that one, either. <\/em><\/p>\n

Your great.\nJbell @333<\/p>\n

Arrrrgh!\nMatthew @443<\/p>\n

Argh matey! Godspeed and fair thee well\nJacob @616<\/p>\n

That sucks. We have a home for pirates here at the oaks.<\/p>\n

Good luck, you will be missed.<\/p>\n

The midget groper @116, DJ Needles<\/p>\n

Great mail. Seriously. Really funny. Why wait to the 10th??\nJames @112<\/p>\n

Best. Goodbye email. Ever.\nKevin @226<\/p>\n

I’ll miss you!\nPs, here’s my app.\nExperience: None\nYou take care,\nMike @110<\/p>\n

Easily the best email I have ever received during my time at GC.<\/p>\n

Arrrrggg! Good luck to ya, miss!\nRalph @825<\/p>\n

Though I doubt we’ve had any dealings together, I need to thank you for your farewell email. How refreshing to see one with some wit and intelligence as opposed to the usual pablum filled with references and nicknames that mean nothing to anyone not mentioned.\nBest of luck to you in your future endeavors.\nGeoffrey @392<\/p>\n

Melissa, that is the coolest e-mail I have ever read in 2 years with GC.<\/p>\n

Best of luck,\nPaul in 816\/Rochester<\/p>\n

AAAAAAAAARRRRRRRe you going to sail the seas ’round the great northwest? Or AAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRe you going to sail anywhere the currents take you? Please send more info on the First Officer’s post. Thanks for your time. Good luck with everything.<\/p>\n

Todd @152<\/p>\n

I sent Todd a message asking him his qualifications for the post. This is the message I got in return: <\/em><\/p>\n

I have my sea legs. I have sailed a bit under the Jolly Roger and others. Presently, I am a landlubber in Phoenix.<\/p>\n

Todd @152<\/p>\n

Very funny! Are you going for the eye patch, parrot, and peg leg as well?\nBest wishes-\nKG\nGM @763 A store manager!<\/em><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

I sent Karman this message in return: Thank ye! I won’t be doing ALL of those things at once, but I believe I’ll start with a parrot named Chumley. Have you any interest in sporting a peg leg?\nHe responded in kind:<\/em><\/p>\n

I don’t think a peg leg would be good for my drumming career.\nKarman @763<\/p>\n

Does that dental plan cover braces?\nAmanda @780<\/p>\n

I sent Amanda a message saying that the dental plan covered braces AND tooth-whitening, as pirates must have fearsome bright smiles, like sharks. This is the message I got in return: <\/em><\/p>\n

Perfect. If you’re still looking for a first mate, I’m all about it. I must confess, I have little knowledge of sailing, but I think I understand the basics of cannon firing.\nYour friendly, destructive hoodlum,\nAmanada @780<\/p>\n

O man sign me up, hold on wait for it….wait for it…..<\/p>\n

GYARRRRRR!!!!!!\nOrion @242<\/p>\n

yo ho ho. sign me up. great email.\nM Rock @811<\/p>\n

Aye! I be wantin’ ta sign in blood on tha dotted line! High seas adventure is my speci-ality!\nWait…\nAre you serious?\nFreak.\nBrett @843\nBy the way…How do you have an “026…” number and you’ve only been at GC for 10 months?!?<\/p>\n

Answer: This is my second go-round at GC, the first one being 3 years ago. I apparently didn’t learn my lesson the first time. <\/em><\/p>\n

Melissa…<\/p>\n

That was the BEST mail I’ve read in the nearly 3 years at this job!!! Easily some of the best writing too, which is odd, given that grammar isn’t held in such high esteem in these parts! A most wonderful mail. Sure wish I was going on that ship with you!<\/p>\n

Peace,\nJim @531<\/p>\n

Melissa, what an incredible writer you are!! I’m amazed at the caliber of intelligent beings we have here working at “the center”! Let me know how your recruiting goes. I think disneyland might be hiring!!\nXO Enda@thedoor721<\/p>\n

Actually, Enda, the smart ones LEAVE. <\/em><\/p>\n

Ay matie…What have I got to lose? An eyepatch and some saltie air could sure do this barefoot deckmate some good! If the spot is still vacant, I hope you welcome me aboard.\nDL @360<\/p>\n

Ok, I know we aren’t supposed to respond to emails like this, but I’m sorry. This one was too funny to pass up! That was hilarious, thanks it made my day (although I know it was directed at me and stuff…)\nI hope you enjoyed your stay at GC!\nCody @617\nP.S. If you’re ever in the Ohio area looking for that first mate, look me up!<\/p>\n

Yar matey… A good day to thee. We land lubbers will carry on thee fine tradition of the five principles and insure our core values will stay true to the sea lovers code. May your sails always be filled with the sweet scent of an island breeze.\nGood luck to thee…\nDJ Greybeard, Keys DM @242<\/p>\n

None of those responses are from people in my store, nor are any of them from people I know. I will be missed by complete strangers!<\/p>\n

I’ve got a total of 5 voicemails on my phone from people applying to be my First Officer. If there’s any interest in those, I’ll upload them.\nI also got a phone call from the Winter Park store employees, telling me I was their hero, and they reforwarded the email to everyone in the store so that no one missed it.<\/p>\n

There was only one complaint email sent, and that one went directly to Clive. He told me (and you must imagine this in a heavy Scottish accent, it’s much funnier and more authentic that way) “I opened it up and read the first sentence…blah blah blah, unprofessional, and then I deleted it. What a whiny cunt.”<\/p>\n

Yes. I will miss my store manager, if only for his filthy, filthy mouth.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

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